Should I get a divorce ?
Im not 100% taking any advice from here but I guess I wanted some perspective. I’ve always had the idea that you’re not supposed to talk of you marriage problems with family or friends but with your spouse. The big problem is that everytime I bring up the fact that I don’t feel loved my husband says that is obvious he loves me.. even tho he nevers says it or does anything to show it (nothing that I can notice) He once said well if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be washing the dishes or getting food ready for our son. We come to agreements where he is supposed to tell me more often he loves me or at least something positive but it happens maybe one or 2 times after and is back to the same in a week. Is very hard to discuss anything with him cause he doesn’t even look at me when I talk, he will usually be in his phone and say he is listening. I don’t consider myself an angry person but I noticed I’ve been getting very frustrated and having a rage feeling in my chest because I can’t have a normal conversation with him about how I’m feeling. I now feel very guilty because I’ve come to the conclusion that he will never change, he is this way and he just wil continue to be so forever. I’ve tried asking him to go to therapy but he said he would prefer to divorce instead of going to a psychologist… no I feel very guilty like I’ve been trying to change him. I still love him but feel very empty and lonely in our relationship. I have been to therapy for a couple of years and I’m aware I have my own issues at this point I just wish I didn’t had a need for love the way I need or maybe don’t care for reassurance
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You have the right to be loved in a way that makes you feel cared for! You're not trying to change who he is, you're trying to communicate your needs. Couples counselling doesn't need to be with a psychologist, it can be with a social worker or counselor who specializes in marital issues. If he'd rather get divorced than go to couples counselling with you, that's a red flag. Maybe try explaining to him that you love him and want your relationship to be healthy and successful, but for that to happen, you need some support from a couples counsellor. If he's truly not willing to work on your relationship, ask him why and then make your decisions from there.
There are many things to consider with your post.
1) the way you and him show love isn't the same so it can be misinterpreted as no love
2) he isn't willing to show you love the way you want to or at least he can't do it permanently
3) the phone thing is just disrespectful
4) he'd rather divorce you than going to therapy, this to me is a red flag.
So now you have to consider either give in and continue like this or move on.
Relationships take compromise, if he’s not willing to meet you half way he doesn’t want to put in the work and doesn’t value the relationship. Doing basic housework is part of any communal living arrangement. Roommates wash dishes and prepare food. All that to say if you aren’t happy in your relationship resentment will build and things will spiral out of control. Respect yourself and your child enough to leave before anything crazy happens.
I’m happily divorced and also subsequently happily married. The advice that I would give you, though, has nothing to do with divorce. Love isn’t obedience or even getting validation in the way you ask for it- I’m more concerned about you and the absence or need for validation that you’re feeling, because that feeling doesn’t exist only within the bounds of a relationship, and you’re always going to be in a relationship with yourself. Whether you decide to divorce almost sounds immaterial- I think you should figure out what you’re feeling the need to meet within yourself.
It looks like or you accept to feel unloved in your relationship OR you get a divorce. He was clear enough that he doesn't plan to do better.
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