Intimacy after kids

1x a week is more than enough!

I’m a couples therapist and I specialize in pre and post natal women. Something I educate all men about is the changing landscape of sexuality postpartum, chiefly that this is biology, it’s not personal. You literally don’t have the estrogen or testosterone available to you to feel innate sexual desire for your partner right now, making you what is called sexually reactive not active. This means that your participation in sex is based on if you feel like it would be beneficial to you to have sex with your partner because it would relieve stress, create connection, or it’s just been awhile. Not because you genuinely feel libidinal attraction to him. Once he can accept that fact, that this biology and not personal, he can reframe his role as the pursuer and not be bothered that he has to initiate.

I’ve not even had baby yet and we’re down to 1 time a week 😅
There are other forms of intimacy that are far less taxing/tiring than sex, I know it isn’t the same but could he compromise in that way? I mean things like snuggling on the sofa, a really passionate kiss that doesn’t have to lead to anything, a proper catch up at the end of the day once kiddies are asleep and you’ve got 15 mins with no distractions, 5 minutes worth of a foot or shoulder rub? 😌 x

The fact that your talking is a goos sign but things changes even if you were consistently "ready to jump his bones" the reality of your home life just doesn't allow it. You have to plan and work together. You also have to both remember this is a full time job you are doing. Stop and think for a moment if you hire someone to be home with the kids what would you expect them to being and what are you doing on top of that work everyday to take care of your home. Also you need to both consider what would he being doing everyday when he gets home from work if he didnt have a wife doing everything at home. Understanding his hard days work is good and kind but doeant mean you need to carry the full burden of the family. Continue talking and talking deeper and more honest with each other. If you feel protected from the burden of carrying it all, given time and consideration as a women you might find if not a desire in yourself a desire to provide for him grow.

Asking every 2-3 days drives me insane. I'm asexual and we do once every month or less, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I really don't like it when men are like "but my weewee" when you've been doing manual labor 24/7 and he gets off days. Maybe if he did more to help you'd have the energy to start feeling more receptive. The problem is the need to ask. We're already so exhausted that creating a task list pushes us over the brink so we just swallow it and do it.

Ask him to give you a massage. No pressure, no promise of sex after. You need to be relaxed and he needs to put some effort into making you feel good. It’s not your job to pleasure him once a week or every couple days. It’s mutual and when you’re feeling pressured it just becomes a job and of course you’re not going to enjoy it. Dim the lights, lay down, get some lotion or oil for him to rub on you. You deserve a massage and you deserve to feel good. If he does it right he probably will get laid lol

Picture it as another job 😂 he loves you and is attracted to you and wants to connect with you so it’s natural and when he ask it feels like like is not wanted he works hard all day and is looking forward to so relax time. I would try to save some energy for him and ask him to do a few things so that you can be ready