Torn in between the two

I’m most likely going to have to move back to my home state. I have a 6 month old and I really need more support right now. The problem is, the support I have back home can be toxic. My older two kids were exposed to that environment when they were younger, and one of the reasons I moved away was because I didn’t want that same environment for my kids and wanted to give them a better chance of opportunity in life.

I moved to Texas and basically started over, but unfortunately I got in a relationship 3 years later had a baby then my relationship didn’t work out. The support I have here is very limited it’s one person with a choice of children but I refuse with her being so young. Her dad has said he wants to focus on himself and his goals right now, and he thinks it would be best for us to go back to my home state where I have family. He gets upset and overwhelmed when he sees he is going to have to step up. I think it’s unfair I have to go home so I would like to stay an he will just have to suck it up

So now I feel stuck between two hard choices. Staying in Texas would mean keeping my independence and keeping my kids away from some of the family dysfunction, but I would be raising a baby with very little support. Going home would mean having more hands on help and people around us, but I worry about putting my kids back around an environment I worked hard to get away from.

I’m not expecting family to raise my children for me. I just feel like I need a village right now while I get myself back on my feet, go to school/work, and rebuild after the relationship ending.

If you were in my position, would you stay and try to make it work with limited support, or move back home temporarily and set very strong boundaries with family? Either one don’t feel to healthy for me both feel toxic I could just choose daycare but I have really bad fear and anxiety and feel she’s safer with her dad or my mom

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Define toxic? Based off more information and your own desire i think id stay and try to get up in texas. He doesnt just “get to focus on hiself” apart from family with no plan. I do think yall should go to counceliing because a councelor can add perspective and solutions. Yall can work on yourselves and take care of yalls children.
Also i recommend trying to go to a non denominational christian church. There will be community and resources and support there. U potentially could meet other mothers and get spiritual and emotional and mental support through the messages on sunday and Wednesday’s. They often have nursery and children church during services so u can have a little break.
I think based off all you posted… i probably would stay unless dad becomes toxic or unable to deal with.

https://loveline.com

So I live a state away from my family and have had to think about this several times when parts of our relationship got rocky. Granted when I say a state, we’re more of an hour away from my family. They aren’t toxic, but I’ve really liked the independence I’ve gained out here. I like my life here. I too don’t have a large support though here. If worse came to worse I planned to stay and try and make it work for me and the kids. But I was going to reach out to some local mom groups and explain my situation and say I was looking to build my own village. You’d be surprised how many other moms would step up in a heartbeat. It’s important to remember you’re never truly alone. Plenty of moms are out there looking for a village or support too! It sounds like you want to stay. I would try!

It’s very sad when dealing with a dysfunctional family, it’s a different type of grief and it can be so hard to keep pulling up your boots and keep going on your own, but seems like it was be a step backwards for you and the kids emotionally and you could find yourself drained and wrapped up in exactly the same cycles you successfully left. I don’t think it’s worth it. You may look back at this difficult time and feel so proud you did it without them dragging you down. Obviously do what’s best and safest for you all though. Good luck xxx

in our community

Advice

I just had a break up and I can’t make up my mind for the life of me on what’s going to happen from here and I keep going back and forth on my decisions upsetting friends and family… which one would you decide

GO BACK HOME — NORTH CAROLINA

Pros

* More family/friend support.
* More help with the baby.
* You wouldn’t have to depend as heavily on your ex for help.
* You could have family support while going to LPN school.
* You wouldn’t be navigating everything alone while newly separated.
* Lower chance of staying somewhere mainly because you’re hoping the relationship comes back together.
* Could give you emotional and physical distance from the breakup.
* You already have connections/a life there.
* You’ve been looking into LPN programs there, so you could still move forward with school.
* Your mom/family could potentially help with the kids while you get yourself established.

Cons

* It’s about 1,000 miles away.
* You don’t really want to feel like you’re starting over.
* You may feel like moving home means the relationship officially ended.
* You may wonder, “What if I stayed and we worked things out?”
* You’re worried Tennessee could feel lonely romantically.
* Moving all of your belongings that far is expensive and difficult.
* Your baby would be farther away from her dad.
* Co-parenting could become more complicated.
* You have custody/legal considerations involving your other child that need to be factored in separately.
* You may feel embarrassed or disappointed about returning home after building a life in Texas.

STAY IN TEXAS

Pros

* You don’t have to make a 1,000-mile move immediately.
* You keep the life you’ve already started building here.
* Baby stays close to her dad.
* Easier for him to actually help with the baby if he follows through.
* You can pursue LVN school here.
* You don’t have to uproot the kids again.
* You get a chance to see what life in Texas looks like without making your relationship the center of it.
* If reconciliation ever happened, distance wouldn’t be an obstacle.

Cons

* Much less family support.
* You could end up handling the baby and school largely by yourself.
* His promises to help have been inconsistent.
* You could unintentionally stay because you’re waiting to see whether he changes his mind.
* Seeing/hearing about his single life may make healing harder.
* Childcare is a major issue if you start nursing school.
* Financially, establishing yourself alone could be harder.
* If you eventually decide to move anyway, you may spend money getting established here only to move later.
* Being physically close to him could keep you emotionally stuck in the back-and-forth.

Lonely 🫠

I guess this is just my way of venting but maternity leave is the loneliness thing in the world.. don’t get me wrong I’m so grateful and happy to be with my baby and I love seeing them change daily and having the privilege to be their mum.

It’s just having a baby has really highlighted the fact I have absolutely no friends to do stuff with? I just want to have a girls day out, go to a book shop have a cheeky couple of drinks some nice food! Get dressed up feel good again but it’s literally just me and the baby.

Starting to think I don’t have people

I’ve been looking for my people since I was very young. Like 5. I’ve never had a friend. I’ve also lived all over the country. Yet still can’t find anyone I click with. It’s really frustrating. I’m a stay at home mom that can’t drive so my life is just a prison in a nutshell

Friends

Hi mamas🦋
So I plan on moving to Texas next year! I currently live in Las Vegas(absolutely don’t like it) but I’m originally from California. I want to start making Texas friends!! I am 27 years old with two boys, ages 4 months & 1 years old. I want to go on trail ride & explore Texas when i touch down! Let’s be friends!!

travel insurance

Best one / cheapest to use in london/uk? i can’t find any that cover pregnancy related things…

Finding your people second time round?

We moved to the area 6 years ago and I’ve always struggled to find genuine friendships that go beyond a hello. We have one amazing couple we’re really close to, but they’ve moved further away and now have a couple of children themselves, so seeing each other is harder.

I’m due my second baby in a few weeks and I’m feeling quite anxious about maternity leave this time. With my first, I had so much optimism about making mum friends. I met two amazing mums through antenatal classes and we became incredibly close, spending 3 to 5 days a week together, often with our husbands too. I genuinely thought they’d be lifelong friends, but things turned horrible after maternity leave ended and we’re no longer friends.

I met lots of other lovely mums through baby groups, but never really clicked with anyone, and because I was so wrapped up in those two antenatal friendships, I didn’t develop any of the other friendships further. So now I feel like I’m back at square one.

I’ll do baby groups again, but I found 95% of mums were first time mums last time. Do second time mums just not go to groups as much because they already have their people? Where do you actually find other mums with a toddler and a newborn?

I’d love to find a little group of mums in the same boat, to do maternity leave with and also stay friends beyond it. My husband is amazing, but he’s really the only regular, dependable person I have nearby, and I’m genuinely worried about feeling isolated after this birth. I already feel it now.

I’ve tried other toddler/baby groups recently with no luck. I even left one before because I could feel myself about to burst into tears when all the first time mums with babies naturally sat together, one even took my seat when I got up to attend to my toddler.

I find myself scanning cafes and baby groups for mums who look like they might be in the same situation, thinking, I wish I could just go and talk to them!

I don’t want to constantly be looking for my people. I just want to have them and enjoy the friendships.

So if you’ve successfully found your friendship group after having baby number two, where did you meet them and what actually worked?