Boyfriend caught masturbating

He clearly doesn’t see masturbating as unhealthy.
Masturbating is normal.
I would talk to him about how him watching porn without you makes you feel but I think it’s controlling to say they can’t do something to their own body.

Can I just make clear that’s HE’S the one who set the boundaries not me? So everyone calling me controlling , it’s not me LOL. He found a dildo and got mad and told me to throw it out and I did. He’s the one who said doing that was disrespectful so that’s just the boundaries he set and I listened.🙄

Sounds like you need to revisit that conversation about setting boundaries.
It very much sounds like his views have changed

These girls saying it’s controlling… it’s not at all if you have both agreed these boundaries previously! I would just say ok that’s fine we will both agree that masturbating is ok and order another dildo. It’s the fact that he’s gone against what he said he would do, it’s like he doesn’t want you to do it but he is still allowed to which isn’t really fair

1. There’s nothing wrong with you
2. He might just watch porn in order to help him masturbate it’s not so much about the women
3. To never masturbate is unrealistic

You’re going to have to have a conversation with him. Try to not be confronting as this will only result him being on Defense mode. Try to come up with other solutions. Such as send nudes to each other. Send a flirty text once in a while. Maybe he feels like he’s constantly coming on to you but you don’t actually want to have sex.

Do you guys always tend to do the same thing sexually? Maybe try new things. Sex should be fun but also think of yourself. What DO YOU want?

Okay just read your comment. I think that’s extremely disrespectful from him. And you definitely need to communicate this with him. Out of curiosity are you guys religious?

yes thank you, I am going to say that. I personally don’t think I even need one anymore but if he thinks it’s ok on his side then I will see what he says I was to get one. I just don’t want him to think I’m trying to be petty or offensive. But I think that’s what I’m going to do. That’s why I was offended because it wouldn’t bother me but the fact we set those boundaries and he got upset with ne for doing it, and I stopped! I’ve caught him so many times now I just don’t feel like I can trust him. I feel like the masturbation will affect our relationship cus it will be a constant thing.

tbh, he is very vanilla. Like he likes to do the same things all the time, I like to try new things and I do send nudes but I feel like he doesn’t really appreciate it. Like I do really think he does love me and I do think our sex is good and I think he does aswell but it’s just ALWAYS the same. And tbh, he does always come onto me and that’s me being honest sometimes I find it hard to come onto him cus if he doesn’t want to do it I find it quite offensive like not in the way omg why don’t you want to do it but he always gets horny at night time which is fine but I get horny in the day! So it’s like it’s always on his timing

Hmm.. I feel like it’s not very fair on you to be on his timeline. And the fact he got upset about your dildo and yet watches porn despite putting these boundaries is just not right. Definitely speak to him and ask him why he watches porn. I just wonder if there’s a deeper reason. Such as is he using it as a coping mechanism? Is he just bored? Or is there a specific fantasy? Again it might not mean anything and in order to get hard he therefor watches porn. Also ask if him he would prefer to not always being the only one initiating sex. But if I were you I would get my dildo back.

I think you’re expecting too much of each other. Masturbation is a perfectly healthy, normal thing to do and you should both be allowed to do it. You should also be allowed to own sex toys.

Masturbation is just an itch you need to scratch sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re not getting enough sex or that you don’t love your partner.

I think you both need to sit down and talk about relaxing some of these unrealistic expectations you’ve set for each other.

It sounds like he is insecure. Controlling your sexuality is not fair whatsoever.

In my marriage we are totally okay with masturbation but we don't use porn because as you said, we also think it's unhealthy and takes away the erotic energy between us by directing it elsewhere. I prefer to let the erotic energy build then to just waste it looking at a screen and my husband is in the same boat. In saying that, he violated my trust a few years ago before we set these boundaries clearly. Might be worth revisiting and discussing. The thing is, this is cheating. It's different for every relationship and you clearly communicated your fidelity boundaries and he violated them = cheating. To be honest I wouldn't tell my husband not to masturbate because it's his body, and I wouldn't be okay with him telling me the same thing. But the fact your partner has been watching porn makes him seem really entitled and completely disrespectful of you as his partner.

Me n my husband also have those boundaries set so I can completely understand why ur upset. In the 4yrs we have been together he did it once bc he had to spend a few nights away. I would tell him u forgave him 3 times now and if it happens again the two of you are done. And hun DO NOT let other people tell you anything against boundaries that the two of you have set. It’s not an unrealistic boundary. It’s called self control. And since me n my husband haven’t masturbated our sex life is SOOO good

I think masterbating is healthy and often quicker and easier then having sex. Maybe me and my husband just arn’t good at quickies lol So i wouldn’t be upset about the action but more that you set a boundary and he broke it. I think you need to have a discussion with him and revisit the topic.

What everyone else said. Masturbating is normal and healthy. You might need to revisit your perception/understanding of it and most importantly- the reasons why you feel that way (you mentioned insecurity- maybe work on that with a therapist and communicate openly with your husband about what makes you feel insecure in the first place)

oh shut the hell up, just because YOU do something doesn’t mean others HAVE to do as you do. Just get off the post if you don’t have anything helpful to say, if you actually read the comments I was NOT the one who put those boundaries in place, he is. So why is doing what he was getting upset with ME about? As I said, he told me to throw my dildo away which I did so he was the one who imposed those boundaries not me so just shut the fuck up and get off my page you old bag

so my fiancé and i have been together for a little over 3 years and i was strict against porn. i never had an interest in it cause i found it disgusting i even considered it cheating to watch it. flash forward to right after my son was born i caught him as well. i was heart broken and felt betrayed. him and i talked it out and figured out the best way that if he wants to do that how it can make me more comfortable. so we agreed to anything animated (cause they aren’t real people) and we filmed ourselves doing the tango and he can use that too. it took time to realize i didn’t have a problem with him masturbating i had a problem with him watching real people. maybe instead of saying no altogether maybe make boundaries within it! he also has to give u the same respect tho

I don’t think watching porn and masturbating is bad . I masturbate and I tell my boyfriend when I do and he’s okay with it . I will never cheat tho

The fact that you think is unhealthy I’m sure he will continue to do it and just lie about it out of fear . I say let the men masturbate other wise he will end up lying or cheating instead

I mean it's probably just quicker for him to taken care of himself.
Maybe make your own porn videos so he watches those instead?
And to never do it yourselves deems very odd, sex therapists even in this app have said how beneficial it is to explore yourselves.
Maybe start small by not banning it and allowing him to when you are in same room so it's not hiding it.
Also I'd make sure to say you plan to start doing it also. Since he started.

The fact you have a baby and have sex every day is really impressive btw! I totally get your point, he’s betrayed your trust by breaking a boundary you both agreed to and more importantly that he suggested in the first place! Can you suggest perhaps sexy pics of each other rather than porn? He does owe an apology for braking your trust and hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise that suits you both

Time to buy another dildo...
I'd let it be and buy another "friend" The boundaries have clearly changed and what is good for one is good for another...

yes yes yes. Masturbating is super healthy for singles and explorative teens but we as adult have the sexual discipline to wait for our partner. I hate that people act like men will explode and die if they can’t watch porn and touch themselves 🤦🏻‍♀️

yes exactly! When I bought it up to him he said he was horny and frustrated and he said I deserve to be able to do that and I was like wtf? I do it with you nearly everyday??? How is that not enough? Like when I don’t do it I don’t act like that it’s just not fair, but we have decided to not do it unless we are together so I guess that is a start and if I don’t feel like having sexy I’ll give him a hand job or something so at least he gets something

Everyone saying “make your own porn” that isn’t a solution. That just drives men to watch online porn instead because of the bigger selection. Don’t try to keep up with the millions of videos out there. The issue is broken trust not what she’s doing or not doing to please her man. Porn is cheating in many relationships and the last thing anyone who’s trying to remove porn from a relationship should be doing is making their own private videos and photos. And seriously, a little sexual discipline goes a long way girls, your man isn’t gonna turn into Satan because he can’t rub one out to Riley Reid, cmon let’s grow up a bit here I thought we all knew blue balls was a myth 😂. Y’all are still acting like men will throw themselves off buildings if they have to be monogamous

Op, i'm sad that you feel like you need to justify your feelings this much. I think it is so clear that your trust has been broken and it doesn't matter if you were having sex daily or having sex once a month, it is not fair what has been happening AT ALL. You will never keep up with porn unfortunately, there's so much out there. I would definitely find a really good couples counsellor, one that specialises in sex and infidelity. The other thing is... what kind of example does he want to set for his kids? If you've caught him 3 times, imagine how horrible it would be if his kids walked in on him. How would he explain that? That can he extremely traumatising for a kid. I don't think this is something you should let go without a proper resolution, one where he actually takes accountability for his actions and realises the impact it has had on you. You're the mother of his children and deserve his love, attention & respect! Whenever he turns to those porn girls, he is turning away from you and that sucks.

Maybe he's addicted

I’ll be completely honest here I don’t really understand that kind of boundary to put in place I find it a little strange! But it’s not me in that position so I’m not really going to be a dick towards you like you’ve had..

However, it’s your relationship and both or your choices to put that into place and if that’s what you did he should respect it or at least discuss how he is wanting to do that maybe talk about why and see what can be done going forward, you have every right to be upset so you definitely should hash this out with him and try come to an agreement because it’s not fair to you for feeling so upset about the situation x

I think there is a toxic misunderstanding of masturbation going on here. Masturbation is an individual attention. It’s essentially self care. It has no reflection on your partner unless it’s replacing sex and intimacy as a whole. Masturbation is perfectly healthy and normal. It sounds like he doesn’t fully agree that it’s unhealthy, or else he wouldn’t do it in secret. I think you guys set an unrealistic expectation and it needs to be revisited. Having issues with porn, I can see, though I personally don’t feel that’s a problem unless addiction is involved - but creating rules surrounding touching yourself seems controlling and it’s now creating problems that don’t exist because it’s not affecting your sex life in any way. This will end up causing more problems because if friends or family find that out in any conversation when venting, they’ll definitely be calling you crazy behind your back and start poisoning the well and vice versa. If anyone told me that I’d think 🚩.

Some of these replies have gone so far off course, other’s opinions on your boundaries are irrelevant because they are your boundaries in your relationship and I think some have missed that point.
He has overstepped your boundary and now he will need to face the consequences of your trust being broken. This is definitely something you both need to discuss in depth and come up with a way to move forward where you feel secure and he can build up on trust again.

You are valid for feeling this way, your post states it’s a boundary for both of you and he’s broken it but expects you to keep to it! ❤️

girl shut the hell up😭can you not read, HES the one who set the boundaries not me u freak. So how am I the one who’s controlling when he’s getting mad at me for doing the things he’s told me NOT TO DO?

thank you so much, I’ve had some horrible comments. I feel like no one understands where I’m coming from so I’m really appreciative of your comment

i mean i can understand porn could be an issue if it’s constant bc that can be very addicting but masturbating? hmm idk cuz i do that as well. but everyone’s different. i knew someone who’s bf threw all of her vibrators away and left her which i thought was OD. so like i said whatever y’all both agreed to should be set in place bc thats yalls relationship and yalls rules. we may not agree but at the end of the day speak with him and try to come to a conclusion.

it may be controlling in other peoples eyes but don’t let that get to you. some ladies on here can be over the top. it’s yalls issue so you guys need to figure out what’s best.

He sounds like a hypocrite who only set up the boundary in the first place because he didn't want you using a dildo. If his mind had just changed over time, there'd be no reason for Jim not to bring it up. No porn is also a rule in my relationship. Don't let women with low standards for men tell you what to expect from him. At the very least he should stick to the boundaries that HE set

Get yourself a huge dildo that suckions to the wall and leave it in the shower so he finds it

But yeah he sounds like a huge peice of shit dude. There are men out there that will treat you better. They are hard to find though

Is this for real? It's super unhealthy to determine that you both cant masturbate. That's one of the stupidiest things I've heard a couple deciding honestly.

Personally I find these “boundaries” ridiculous and a waste time and energy just the cause of an argument. everyone masturbates and most people watch porn including women it’s totally normal to touch your own body

Wow it's so wild how many people are defending porn use... I get "to each their own", and I get that a lot of this generation has grown up with it and has normalised it but I always like to ask... is it healthy? Rather than is it normal, because a lot of what we normalise in society isn't necessarily healthy. The types of food we eat, the amount we work, the way we resolve conflict. if there was literally one scholarly article that shows any legitimate study that determined that porn was an overall healthy thing to consume regularly, people who think having porn boundaries are ridiculous might have a point. But there's overwhelming evidence that it really doesn't do much that is positive for relationships and for people in general, and particularly men - in fact it's actually quite bad for their mental health in general and there's more and more evidence showing the correlation between porn use and poor mental health. I think before people just blindly accept things like online porn, do some research 1st!

You both shouldn’t have started telling each other what to do with your own bodies. Those are not boundaries, those are just toxic rules. It’s one thing to not approve of porn, but to completely cut off masterbation, that never ends well. Just tell him to be better about hiding it because he’s not going to stop. You might as well buy your toy again because he shouldn’t be telling you what you can’t do with your own body, in private, when he’s not around.

THIS!^ this is exactly what the issue is. I would never even think to tell my husband, “hey, you’re not allowed to masturbate.” There are doctors that have done literal studies about the benefits of orgasms. My husbands sex drive is much higher than mine, why would I deny him orgasms if he needs to take care of himself? It’s healthy. You can masturbate without the assistance of porn, before anyone continues the argument about toxicity with porn.