How to get dad more involved.

The first week, he was great. Not working and changed every nappy I asked him to, was scared to hold her as she was so tiny but understandable. Got me everything I asked for without delay. Took baby out for a few hours so I could rest. Couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

Baby girl will be 4 weeks on Friday. She’s EBF but I have started introducing bottles of expressed to give myself that break and she is one HUNGRY girl so I know she’s getting a good 2-3oz here and there. I have been up with here every night since she was born and never woke him up for help.

He went back to work after a week and that’s it. Minimal help, just wants to sit in-front of the telly watching sport. He’s clearly struggled to bond with her as much as he tells everyone “she’s so easy, everything is so amazing she’s just a dream, we are so lucky” the reason she’s so bloody easy is because you only hold her when she’s asleep! The minute she cry’s he becomes very overstimulated and just puts her down if he can’t calm her within a minute.

I just feel like everything I ask him to do is so half arsed. I’m getting fed up of asking him as it’s just easier to do it myself. How can I get him more involved and actually interested in his daughters routine or just basic care!? I’ve let him go back to rugby which takes up 2 evenings a week and every Saturday so not only am I on my own during the day but also evenings and weekends.

He tells me “If you want to go out then I will have her” but how am I meant to want to leave her with him if every time she cries he just puts her down in her cot or gets frustrated.

Do I write a list and lay out some clear directions of what his roles and responsibilities are? How can I incorporate him into a routine so it gives me a break?

Sorry for the long post. I think I needed to vent x

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I’m having this exact same situation literally word for word🤣 feel free to give me a message if you want a chat, it’s so hard but we’ve got this!♥️

I really don't think your alone here! My little girl is 6 weeks and is smiling and being more alert and now he's really helpful and I think its cause he can interact with her more. The first 6 weeks she cried as she only wanted me, he couldn't settle her or get her comfy and I think it made him really frustrated and like she didn't like him. But now it's changed massively! Hold on in there xxx

The turning point for us was I had an appointment so he had her for a couple of hours and I was in tears thinking he wasn't capable or I couldn't trust he would settle her etc but I went and he just learnt to do it and get on with it! Xx

Unfortunately men don't bond as quick as we do. And as men they have a natural instinct to fix things. When a baby cries, they feel totally useless because they don't know what to do. This won't change unless he actually soothes your baby successfully. Men!!!

From your post it sounds like you're in charge of the baby's care and he's a helper. Perhaps trying to involve him more in decision making and understanding the routine or deciding what role he wants to have will help with him feeling more like an equal to you and not just doing things you say, which I assume also means if you don't ask he doesn't do anything. It's tricky because our partners who work never get as much time with their babies as we do so it's always going to be somewhat tilted towards the mum doing more.
Just as an example of how we split things. My partner works 9-5 M-F. While he's at work I'm solely in charge of the baby, like it's my 9-5 too. Around that time, we share responsibilities in the evening, like literally taking it in turns with nappies and feeds and one of us will do the dinner. I do the bedtime routine which starts around 10:30/11 and last feed. He will do a feed at 3/4am and I do the early morning 6/7am one and look after her while he sleeps and gets ready for work.

So my partner text me this morning as he obviously knew I was upset. It was really lovely actually. I wrote everything down I wanted to say.

He’s taken everything I said onboard and came in from work, cooked tea without me asking and is currently giving her a bottle whilst I run myself a bath.

I spoke about night feeds and he said he’s more than happy to take on a night feed. We’re just going to work out if the first or second feed is better. We’re going to do the bedtime routine together tonight too so he knows what I do and be included.

We’re normally both so good at communicating with each other. I’m just a very independent person and hate asking for help. Wish I spoke sooner!

I know when she’s that little bit older he will be all over her as all he keeps talking about is bike rides and park trips ect. I had to explain they need to be able to sit up before they can go in a seat on a bike 😂

So pleased you've managed to talk it through. Its so hard for both of you at this stage but just think if you can get through the stress, tiredness and worry together you can get through anything ❤️

I’m still in the bath and haven’t heard baby cry once…not sure if I am relieved or worried 😂

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Partner works incredibly long hours, how much do they help out?

I'm struggling. Have been for a while. I've had one break from parenting my daughter, that was for 3 hours in December when I left her with her dad.

She's 14 months old and I'm just tired. I've done every night by myself. He's out of bed at 4am and doesn't get home until 7-9pm. He drives for work, very physically tiring.
On the weekends he was doing 6 days, one weekend day off, but now has both off.

He doesn't sit on the floor and play with her, he doesn't read to her because he says she doesn't have the patience.
He will pick her up and hold her whilst he's cooking.

Recently I've been "snappy" with him.
He got back from the mechanic last weekend, she was getting onto the sofa and he put his headphones on and started to watch Netflix on his phone.
The same day I told him I was going to run her bath and to watch her whilst she was still eating, he fell asleep on the sofa.

Today he went to football after going shopping, so was out 1-3 and then from 4-8.
He got back and I was snappy.

"I don't get why you're so snappy with me"

I said - Probably because I haven't had a break since December.

"Do you think I don't know you haven't had a break. I haven't had a break", "I just won't go to work, I'll sit at home all day".

Then "do you think I like not having a connection to my child"... But that's on him? He never sits to play with her. He "doesn't see the point". He's stated that this age is boring to him.

Since she's been born, he has been to a friend's once a month. Football - He stopped going for 7months, but has been the last two weekends.

Are these not breaks?

He does do the washing/washing up/cooking/vacuuming when I haven't had a chance to; but I'm the one in charge of feeding her, naps/bedtime, teeth brushing, hair brushing, baths, dressing her, making sure she has the right shoes, appointments etc. Everything falls on me.

If your partner works ridiculously long hours, how much do they look after your child? Do you ever get a break?

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