Help! I’m need of some advice…
So my husband has two children (12&7) from a previous relationship. After 5 years of me helping him raise them, we both decided to have a baby together. However, now we’ve had her I’m on mat leave and he’s back at work. He works from home but has a very easy going job, his work meetings are at the pub and he doesn’t have to work 9-5 it’s very relaxed. However I respect he’s working and bringing in the money so I don’t ask for help in the day from him I only ask he takes our LG from 5:30/6pm until she goes to bed.
I pump twice a day so he can feed her a bottle at night (he asked to be able to feed her so I do this for him). He finishes his day and spends 10 minutes with her and starts calls her names because he doesn’t have patience. He keeps saying babies are boring. Tonight he came home from a meeting which was followed by a 3 hour stint in the pub and she cried because she had wind and he said “oh aren’t you a delight to come home to”… like wtf! She’s a baby.
He then says I’m annoying him because I asked what time he would be home from the pub. He’d been there for three hours and it was 10 past 5 (our LG goes to bed at 7) When he’s home I use my hour or so to wash my breast pump sort the nappy caddy, sterilise and make her bedtime bottle and feed her etc so I’m not exactly stopping. I use my pump time to clean too so it gets done. He then says he works and brings in the money so he has it hard too. He said he had a hard day today and didn’t need me asking what time he’d be home.
Our LO is going through a growth spurt and I’m bf so she’s also up every hour in the night at the minute which I never wake him (he gets 8-9 hours a night). Plus she takes a good few attempts to go down at night and he gives up after 3 attempts and leaves it to me so I’m not getting to sleep until past 9pm. At the weekend he doesn’t do 50/50 with her as he’s cooking etc for the older kids and trying to spend time with them as he doesn’t see them everyday which is fine, but he is doing a ‘wow is me’ and I literally never get a break but he says I need to understand how hard it all is for him. To be fair he does wash the clothes and he cooks because he enjoys it (when I offer to trade he says no, even if I need a break from LG) Sorry it’s a bit of a rant but am I unreasonable for being pissed at him? I’m sick of his attitude. I don’t get a break and all I ask is for an hour in the evening to do some things that NEED doing for our LO’s bedtime. It’s like he’s depressed or something he’s not the guy he was before we had her. WHAT DO I DO I just need him to stop feeling sorry for himself and work as a team.😞
(I’m not leaving him so please no responses like that I love him dearly, he’s my best friend we are just going through a tough time)
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When baby was first born I got him to do wash and story time in the evening so that I could have a break. He often would ask not to do it if it was after work and I realised that that plan just wasn't working for us. It might be worth talking to him and finding out what would work for both of you. Now he does her morning and evening nappy change and takes her in the morning so I can enjoy my coffee. I can also ask for "baby free time" and he has to take her and I can go off and do whatever. I rarely ask for it but it's great when I do it!
Could I also recommend the share the load quiz on starling Bank website. It divides all the unpaid chores and you see how much each of you does. I felt like I was doing almost 100% of the workload and it actually showed me I wasn't. I think it's very common to feel like you are doing the majority of the work and this let me appreciate what he does that I don't necessarily notice!
I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think you need to talk to him about it though!
this is great advice thank you!
I’ve just put our stuff into that quiz and it came up exactly 50/50 so maybe we both just need to be a bit more understanding that it’s equally hard for one another. That was quite eye opening though as I felt like I was doing way more than him but clearly not! I do more with our LG but he’s doing more with cooking etc.
I’ll sit down with him tomorrow and see if we can find a routine that works for both of us as he clearly needs time to decompress after work and I need time to get stuff done round the house and for bedtime.
My partner is in the army so only comes home at weekends and on the odd Wednesdays when he can. So he barely sees ours little girl. So when he’s home at weekends I ask him to take main care of her so I can have a break shower etc. when he refuses we always argue coz he says I’ve been working all week. And me saying I’ve been looking after our baby our animals and the house all week. He makes out like I don’t do anything at all. It’s hard but serious talks and understanding eventually works it just takes time for some people xx
You said its like he's depressed...
Could that be it?
Men don't tend to ask for help if they get post partum depression. The behaviour you describe could be him burying his head in the sand. A pretty common response to depression especially when it's unfamiliar.
The other conversation of course is to ask him at what point his older children stopped being 'boring"
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