Codependent Sleep

So, it’s taken me a long time to come here with this and open up, the short of it is my 20 month old daughter has refused to fall asleep anywhere but in my arms for almost two years and it’s starting to cause issues.
She’s been like this since she was born, I’ve always felt like it’s my job to make her comfortable and we’ve tried to sleep train her multiple times but nothing else seems to work.
Every night we do bath, cuddle, read together, singing songs followed by sitting with the lights off with pink noise or white noise on, sometimes nothing on at all.
In the last few months, it’s gotten to the point where she’ll fall asleep on me and I’m able to put her down in her crib but that’s a more recent feat, where as before if we attempted to move her she would immediately wake and be hysterical until she was given back to me.
Personally, I always slept with my grandmother as a kid because I would have horrible nightmares since I was very small, I was sexually abused all through my childhood. I want to be there for my daughter but it’s taking a toll on my body physically as she gets bigger, along with the mental toll it’s taking on my relationship with sleep and my husband in general.
My husband is over it, he says I can’t sleep sitting up with her in my lap forever and that it’s not good for either of us. I’ve tried doing the routine and putting her in her crib awake but she stays hysterical even with me checking in on her every 10 minutes.
Please help 💔

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I had a similar issue. My son was still nursing to sleep every single night and waking up to nurse at least once or twice through the night. About a month ago, we switched and my husband started sleeping with him and putting him to bed. The first few nights were hard, but he finally sleeps through the night AND by himself. It takes longer to get him to sleep, but it’s getting quicker every night.

Sorry you’re going through this! Have you tried sitting right next to the crib until she settles? That’s how I got my son to sleep in his room. I have a rocking chair in his room and I dragged it right next to the crib so I can still put my hand on his chest and rock him a bit. Sometimes he stands and I have to get him back down. Patience is key. I put on a nursery song. (Careful with white noise, there’s new research that shows it can actually make babies more fussy/restless at night). He’s usually asleep within 5-10 minutes.

It also helps to get them extra tired before bed. We have nightly dance parties or tickle wars before bed. He runs around the whole house and by the time he’s in his crib his eyes are shutting on their own.

Hope this helps!

I can understand why this is a hard and emotional process. Considering your history, maybe you want to get a sleep training professional involved and talk to a therapist to make sure you're going to be ok with it, if you have the means to do so. I'm sorry you went through that and I hope you find a solution that works for your family

No advice my son is very similar for my mental health I caved in and he sleeps with us every night. It is better for him as he is sleeping all night and before in his crib he would wake up constantly and be so tired. He only gets to see me a few hours a day so I understand he just wants to be close to me. I use to stress about it and that made it worse. So I decided this won't last forever they are only little for so long so I just need to wait it out and it will get better with time.

We went through the same thing!

We rocked her to sleep every night from the time she came home until about 14/15 months when my back just couldn’t do it anymore. On top of contact naps with me bc she just couldn’t sleep very well alone.

We just upgraded her to a full mattress on the floor and we just started laying with her to sleep and gradually just lessened the amount of time we are in there.

Now, we do the whole bed/nap time routine, lay with her for a few minutes, I give her a kiss on the head and leave. She’s normally asleep now within like 10 minutes-20 max on a restless day.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way! It gets easier, consistency is the biggest-yet hardest-thing to keep on when transitioning from the usual norm to a new norm.

The only thing that has worked for us is bedsharing. She won’t sleep otherwise, so I honor her need and my husband is totally on board. It’s very developmentally normal for them to want to be with you during sleep. Not all babies need that level of connection but from one Velcro baby mama to another, I feel you and it’s not forever 🩷

Sleeping sitting up sounds really hard! Can you lay down together?

I still nurse to sleep and we bedshare on a floor bed. My husband sleeps in a different room. This is how we all sleep best. It won’t be forever.

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