HELP. How to validate but still explain yourself.
Okay so step kids think that their dad yells at them all the time and goes off and tells their mom and now even social workers this.
But, he doesn't.
We want to validate the kids emotions and make sure they know that we understand that they feel that way, but we don't want them to continue thinking that how they are interpreting things is the intention or what is even actually happening.
Example: kids are wrestling and screaming very loudly while doing so, we've asked them politely 2 times to stop already, they keep doing it. Dad says "GUYS (loudly because they are screaming loudly), (and then with normal voice says) I have told you twice already to stop, if you aren't going to listen then I am shutting the Xbox off and that's done for the rest of the day"
So now they are sulking, fear in their eyes, one may even go run to their room and cry. Then they go back to their moms and go off about how daddy always yells and swears at them and in result, makes BM accuse us of terrible parenting.
I want the kids to know that we can see that they are hurting and feeling this way, but without making them feel wrong for feeling the way that they do. Even though it kind of is though sorta???? He only ever yells because they are so loud that without doing do, he simply wouldn't be heard, so how to we explain whats actually happening without coming off at dismissive and then feeling like we are saying " nope your wrong, I didn't yell the way you think I yelled " I'm so confused lol
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Is it possible to subtly video some of the situations so that you can prove to bm and social that the situation isn't as the kids are describing?
We actually have cameras in all common areas already that hold recording for 3 months, since we have a 10 month old, and my husband has told BM that he will show her that isn't the case, but she says it isnt necessary and that she validates what the kids are saying and feeling. But I feel like while doing so, she is giving off the vibe to them that she also agrees with the reason behind their feelings which is now showing to result in a strained relationship between DH and the kids - his daughter hasn't come over the last 2 weekends because of this. So continuing to validate kids is now being interpreted as agreeing with them and we don't know how to correct it without still coming across as the bad guys
This exact situation is what we go through in our house. According to Childs mum it's our fault and our parenting is wrong and we need to do what she does which is nothing, my partner put his foot down and said it my house my rules, your house your rules. He even got the school involved with it to explain to child semi helped. But carry on doing what yous are doing. There is nothing wrong with your parenting. If his ex does get SS involved you have the evidences that's it's not happening. His ex should be encouraging kids to come not discourage. Next time he speaks to kids talk about the plans you have for the next time they come over, that may get them to visit again
I'd still show the footage to the social so the situation is more fair
We've had this. Their dad shouts at them, we don't play with them, they're bored, they've had a horrible time. All rubbish. They say it to their mum cause she coaxes it out of them and they think it's what she wants to hear. Other than explaining to them the difference between shouting at somebody and raising your voice to get somebodies attention, I'm not sure what you can do. You could try the camera, but we did this once and got loads of stick for filming them without their permission and she refused to believe what she saw even though it was right in front of her
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