Should I be angrier at the husband or the MIL?
So MIL and FIL came for a visit today. They live an hour and 10 away so can’t come to see baby that often. Always had a fantastic relationship and MIL has even said she sees me as a daughter. The problem is, I can’t be honest about my feelings with her the way I can with my own family, so I need my husband to express these for me (I have always suffered from anxiety). Pre baby, he was great at reading my face and always checking I was ok before acting.
Now a month or so before baby was born I asked my husband to sit down and discuss our boundaries when it came to visitors etc. I was always adamant that I was chill as long as no one came with illness and no one kissed baby and that people did not visit after 7 for baby’s bath time. I also said that husband needed to keep his mum from overstepping as she is a child minder /nursery nurse and obsessed with babies. I’ve overheard her badmouthing friends and family mothers so I know that she can be judgy. It doesn’t help that when I took care of my nephew a few years ago for the weekend, she came around and snatched him out of my hands, despite the fact she is no relation. She then told my mum they ‘needed to watch’ when I had kids, to which my mum told her I was a teacher and born to be a mother, which is what everyone else in my life has always said. Husband said he was going to tell her that was out of order and i’m still waiting for that to happen to this day.
Anyway, during this convo he got very agitated and said that I was suggesting his family were dirty for asking him to tell them that when baby comes, no kissing, no heavy perfume and to use hand sanitizer. I then sent him around 5 medical articles about these things and he accepted they were the right boundaries to make. I had already told my family all of these things and he agreed to tell them.
Fast forward to baby here and his mum kissed him at 3 days old. Luckily, my SIL, who works in labs and is very clever, saw and told her the dangers so I didn’t have to. His mum was devastated as she ‘didn’t know’. Of course I had an argument with husband about this as it put his mum in a difficult situation. A few days later, they came back and his nanna was wearing heavy perfume, so it was clear he hadn’t expressed our boundaries.
Fast forward again to today. All was going well with the visit until we went to walk to a local cafe. As husband put up the pram, she blocked me from going near to it. I thought whatever, let her walk her grandson, but it would have been nice to have been asked. Then, at the meal, husband took baby so I could eat. Baby was getting warm at the end of the meal as husband was by the radiator so he said the words ‘mummy do you want him?’ I then said yes and reached out my arms to him. As he was in the air being passed, MIL put her arms out and took him. She was also BY THE RADIATOR. I of course shot the husband a look but he just half smiled at me as if to say ‘I know’ and said nothing. Then, when it was time to leave, she held the pram handle while I got him sorted in the pram but this time I was stubborn and pushed the pram away.
The last straw was when we got home and it was past 7, but they still didn’t leave. I mentioned bath time about 5 times but no hint taken. Husband then held baby towards his parents for them to KISS HIM ON THE HEAD!! They could see my face and my eyes were widening as if to say ‘NO’ but they did it anyway. Now they can not say they didn’t know as they’d been told! His mum even came back to me again to kiss him as they left and I held him away.
Husband has accepted what he did was wrong but keeps saying ‘I thought it was ok on the head’. If he had read any of the many articles I had sent about potential death, he’d know that the rule is no kisses ever! Imagine kissing your grandchild being more important than their life. My parents have managed it!
She’s still annoyed because I said I didn’t want her to look after him for my sisters wedding. She said she keeps crying as though her feelings are more important than the child. Again when I told her a few weeks ago she shouted at me and husband did nothing.
Just starting to feel very overwhelmed, bulldozed and angry. Not sure who I am more upset with!
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Husband he needs to set the boundaries and be more assertive with his parents
Everybody in this situation sucks. MIL for not respecting your boundaries around your own child, and your husband for not enforcing them, even going so far as to seemingly encourage the boundary stomping. Personally, if it were me in this situation, I would have chewed them both out and not cared how it made them feel. MY baby, MY rules. Get with the program or get lost.
Setting boundaries are very important and must be respected
in his defence, he was talking to me, she just intercepted
When it comes to wearing perfume… maybe he said it and the Nana was still stubborn.
My MIL. would wear strong perfume all the time and I wouldn’t let her carry my baby, until she learned not to wear strong when visiting the baby.
She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing! She’s knows her son won’t stand up to her. If I may ask, does she quilt trip him? That’s the vibe I’m getting like “I did everything/provided for you your whole life you owe me the world”
it’s more of an if he says something she doesn’t like she will cry so still guilt tripping but in a different way
You might just have to bite the bullet and tell her in front of everyone. Do not kiss the baby until I am comfortable with anyone besides me and the dad kissing them. You already talked to your husband about it multiple times. Hopefully he backs you up. It’s annoying how some moms behave when they have a son. Her grabbing the baby away from you without even asking would have made me cuss her out. Now everyone uncomfortable 😂🙃
She’s giving no one can be good enough for my son besides me. I can tell you hate confrontation but she’s only going to continue what you allow! If she continues tell her she can’t come around for a bit till she respects you as the mother of her grandchild. I’m sorry you have to go through this. If you need to vent you can Dm me.
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So ridiculous
Had a big chat yesterday with my husband about how she seems to struggle to understand her new role and how the mum and grandma roles are different. Ie. Pram, holding when out, feeding etc are all my job and unless I ask otherwise, shouldn’t be taken away. Husband agreed and is going to talk to her this weekend when he goes up and i’m not there.
We also discussed how she keeps saying things like ‘I want to take him to see santa’ and ‘when I get him his christmas pyjamas’ and ‘I can’t wait to see him react to sand for the first time’ because these are all things a parent experiences not a grandparent. He said himself these should just be me and him things and special moments for us as parents. I told him if he didn’t tell her she wouldn’t be there for things such as this then she’d get upset when we did things as a family and she would ruin it for us. Setting her up to know that she won’t be there and that some things are mum jobs will stop the crying
Not to mention the UK mothers day is coming up and she got emotional when my husband said it would be just him coming up to see her not the little one. As if my mum’s mothers day is not important or you know, my FIRST mothers day I should be without my child??. She’s just struggling to understand that her mummy days are over and that the relationship is different.
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