Vent about MIL’s reaction
I kneeeeww it. I KNEW this would happen!
I made the decision to have no visitors at the hospital while/after giving birth to our little girl. For multiple reasons. Also, this is our very first. My husband fully supported this decision, and even went to his friends who are momma’s and kind of discussed it. They all told him “I wish I had done that with our baby” so he was like, okay cool, this is gonna be okay!
I said, we HAVE to tell your mom ASAP! But the baby shower she had her friends throw for us (or they asked her if they could, I’m not really sure) was two days ago. He said we needed to wait till after that. So, I said, we better do it Monday to give everyone ample amount of time to feel all their feels, etc.
He called her. He gave her the news, why, and misspoke by saying they could see her right after we get home. Thaaat is not what I said 😂 but he’s like, eh oh well, we can let them know later when we will have visitors. I think he just got flustered.
His mom was quiet. All she said in response was “Okay.” Very flatly. Very obvi not happy, which my therapist prepared me for. But she ended the phone call by saying in response to my husband— “love you too.” He said if she’s really upset, she rushes to get off the phone. So we thought, could’ve been better, but def could’ve been worse.
We went about our day.
My sister, who is hosting our second (and last) baby shower in a few weeks asked about RSVPS and how a lot of people haven’t responded— MIL and her husband being two of them. So my husband texted her saying something like, hey she didn’t receive your RSVP yet, are you able to make it? And she just went radio silent until 9:30, right before I was about to go to bed.
My husband walked in and said, “WELL— I was wrong! She said— Jeff will not be there, and I haven’t decided yet.” Keep in mind…. SHE asked to be invited. We didn’t want to overwhelm them by participating in two different showers.
My jaw dropped. He said “yeah… she’s acting like an adult child who isn’t getting their way.” Apparently it’s a common thing. Granted, she doesn’t do this to me.
So I was up till midnight, overthinking. My husband reassured me that this will be just like last Thanksgiving, when we announced we were doing a solo Thanksgiving for once in our marriage (of six years) before we start a family. She was very mad. But! She got over it.
My family? Didn’t miss a beat— they were very supportive, understood, my sis said her own two cents about how I’m gonna be so glad I made the decision, etc. My husband is gonna go over to his dad’s and step mom’s to tell them in person very soon. I just texted mine because I was like “I promise they will not be dramatic about this.” And thaaaaaaank goodness they weren’t. Phew.
His dad is probably gonna be fine with it. His step mom? Who knows, but she’s honestly the least of my worries. Not to sound like a horrible person, but my husband does *not* like her all that much. That’s a whole other story.
So, we *still* went a half hour away to pick up a bracelet for his mom for Mother’s Day. He called Jeff to see if she asked for a certain style. He sounded not mad at all, so at least I know he doesn’t hate me. …hopefully. I probably won’t be there for his mom on Mother’s Day because I don’t want to get involved in any drama. He doesn’t even know what they’ll be doing, if anything.
It’s just SO disappointing, hurtful, you name it. I’m a big people pleaser and I have BPD, so I’m always wanting to make sure everyone is happy, not mad at me, don’t hate me, or it really messes with me. But now that I’ll be a mom soon, I’ve got to stand my ground!
Ugh. Hopefully she’ll recover from the news soon.
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I literally do not understand the need or want to be at the hospital for a new mothers birth or right after. Same with wanting to hold and take a newborn baby from mom. I’ve never ever had this urge and it is honestly so weird to me. You carry this baby for 9 months, just give birth and are getting to know each other on the outside and everyone expects you to put baby down or hand them over. It’s so unnatural and weird.
I’m due any day now and I’m not letting anyone visit at the hospital. There’s literally no need. I didn’t have these boundaries with my first and I had 9 people visit (pre covid) just hours after birth. I’m bleeding and leaking and in pain and everyone is passing around my newborn. No fucking thanks lol. Stick to your boundaries, she’ll get over it. The people trying to push your boundaries are usually the ones who need it the most. Congrats on baby and wishing you a good experience !!!
Right!?! That’s exactly where I am coming from, and when I put it that way, my husband was like— ohhh okay, yeah, got it. But some people are being selfish! I get the love and excitement, but those feelings aren’t gonna go away if we want to take time to bond as a new little family and allow me to start to recuperate. Like, damn! And thank you so much. Best of luck to you!! I hope everything goes smoothly for you and your new little one. Enjoy this precious time!!
I don’t understand how parents (grandparents) act as if they don’t know what it’s like to give birth or have a little one. That is my biggest frustration with being a mom. I hear you on the people pleasing and wanting everyone to be happy. At the end of the day if it’s what keeps your peace and makes you happy that’s all that matters. Plus they tell you to limit people around your newborn esp sick people. I lucked out when I gave birth the first time around it was after Covid but close enough where you could only have one visitor (my husband). Just remember this is your baby and you have the right to have boundaries. They don’t like them or respect your decision that’s on them I wouldn’t feel bad. Stand your ground mama you got this!
We opted to not let anyone know we were in labor and to tell our family the next day after baby was born. Well, my husband got super excited and FaceTimed his mom a couple hours after I delivered and his mom was upset that she wasn’t invited to the labor and refused to visit her grandchild the next day. Our whole family except her was on board with our wishes. We asked everyone to visit our home once we left the hospital and we decided to allow visitors for 2 days and let everyone know ahead of time that after the 2 days we would not accept visitors for the next 2 weeks to bond with our child. It was a beautiful experience. Stand your ground girl. You deserve to have your wishes respected
I will NEVER understand fully grown adults acting like children. It’s always that same generation… Makes fun of the younger generation for being soft and saying we can’t deal with things, but they act like a toddler throwing a tantrum every time they don’t get their way 🙄 We have to cater to their every emotion to avoid meltdowns. Once I have my baby I think I’ll only be able to handle 1 human being having meltdowns, and it’s not going to be my 58 year old MIL.
Oof, touché my girl! I love that. But you’re totally right about the hypocrisy.
See, I’ve also read this is one way of avoiding being smothered by questions, comments and trying to visit. But Eesh, I can’t believe his mom acted that way. Holding it against your baby!? That’s just too much. But that’s a really good plan. I think we’re gonna wait up to a week after the hospital, unless OB suggests even longer, and then it’ll be “you can visit on this day and this time for this amount of time” and that’s that. And we will not allow surprise drop bys. We have never been big into people just stopping by unannounced! Thank you so much! It means a lot
That’s what i Don’t get either. Like, I understand it’s been a couple decades+ for her since having her last child, but just because you did something a certain way does not by any means mean I have to follow her footsteps, you know? Times are a changing! Girl I’m gonna have to change the way I think and communicate for sure. It’s gonna be a wild ride for sure. And it’s gonna be a big lesson to learn, but at least I’ll become a bad ass. 😂
The people that are mad they're not invited to the labour, are they even JOKING!? Labour is such an intense, intimate experience and you need to feel so safe and relaxed for things to go smoothly.
You don't need any extra people hanging around like a bad smell! They're so selfish, just thinking of themselves. This is YOUR moment, not theirs.
And as for after, we put a firm 2 week visitor ban in place and I didn't care what they thought of it. We wanted our time to get to know OUR baby, and let him adjust to being earthside and understand who his parents are before we started introducing him to other people.
Aside from the infection risk and the fact I was tired from birth and bleeding and needed to have my boobs out all the time to learn to breastfeed, I just felt like actually it would be NICE to have some time with just my partner and new baby.
Our only priority was baby, me and my partner, and it wouldnt benefit any of us having visitors...so we didn't!
The times have changed tremendously. For the elder generations see it as support I can only assume
wow she refused to visit!! But the main person who misses out is her. Baby won't remember. Such a shame
Baby, you spending way too much time and attention to your mil.
She’s got the message. She’s mad. I’d leave it at that. You enjoy your pregnancy now. If sh3 doesn’t show up at the baby shower, fine. This situation also means that she won’t visit as soon as you get home🙃 this is a win win situation.
This happened to me and my partner we wanted to be by ourselves for the first 2 weeks granted we lived with my mam but my sister was not happy, she didn’t understand it as she had everyone visit her in the hospital as she was in for a few days. She didn’t speak to me for a few weeks but came round eventually when I said she could visit
It’s very distracting to have people at the hospital. It’s a very selfish thing to expect that you can do that. It’s silly if she’s upset by that so I think this is just a boundary you’ll need to stick by and not worry about her feelings, this is your baby, your delivery should be as much like you want it to be.
I wanted to respond to you last night when I read this, but I was way too tired and had to go back to sleep. Your comment definitely helped me shake this whole situation off! I was like, damn. Nancy is right. I need all my energy to focus on myself, my baby, and my husband as we get as prepared! Becoming a mom means I’m becoming a brand new person, and lord, things are gonna change. Thanks girl 🖤
I want to thank EVERYONE for their supportive, understanding, and lovely comments. Reading everything makes me feel less lonely and targeted, which is a relief. Although some momma’s can relate to my situation all too well, which is a damn shame really, at least I know we got each other and can come here to release all of our pent up anger and hurt and be heard. Much love to you, ladies.
And here’s an update: although I haven’t spoken to my MIL personally, she broke the silence and is coming around. She must have just been thrown off and hurt, but… hopefully with the more “no’s” she’ll get from us, she’ll grow thicker skin. If she doesn’t, I can’t help that! I’ll keep living my wonderful and full of love life. It’s just gonna get better from here, y’all.
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