Baby threw up after I let her cry it out now I feel dreadful and want to crawl into a hole

I've tried for the past two hours to get my baby to sleep, she hasn't slept since 12pm so I know she's overtired, she passed out on the bottle and as soon as I put her down it's a meltdown. She has been crying non-stop for 2 hours and I just kept having to walk away because I was getting so worked up, I haven't eaten all day.
I go in to put her back down again and she's thrown up all the way down the side of her cot because I let her cry it out, I just can't cope anymore I am the literal worst.

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I did ferber method my baby got so worked up she was choking on vomit and projectile vomited when we picked her up. It was awful. Put me off but I did it again the next day and sat outside her room with the monitor. It gets easier

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Maybe your baby wants you to be with her. It could even be separation anxiety. Sometimes it’s best to forget about methods and just go with natural instincts and be there for the child. They’re at an age where they’re growing a lot so there’s many things happening in them. It seems to me she just wanted her mommy. Maybe put her to nap in your bed with you: I’m certain she will sleep and then you can go and get something to eat x

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My baby throws up when hebgets worked up from his silent reflux some nights I do 4 bed changes. I found sitting at the cot holding his hand no eye contact helps he will fall a sleep sometimes I have to pat his bum till he's ready to settle x

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I think Motherhood has made me more bitter than I realized…

This is such a ramble but I don’t know where else to put it all.

I’m four months in and I don’t really have hobbies right now. I don’t do anything for myself except maybe doomscrolling or listening to a podcast while I breastfeed my baby. I used to craft and have game nights with friends. Activities that usually are at least 2 hour stretches. Now if I have an hour free my mind immediately goes to baby, or doing something in the house for baby.

And I thought I didn’t mind. Like I knew postpartum could be very mentally consuming. But I think it’s altering how I view people around me and it’s prodding at my relationship with my husband.

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We took a family trip last weekend to see his best friend and their kids and let them meet the baby. He brought the laptop. He’s always brought a laptop on trips and it’s never been a problem to me before. But one night we both woke up while the baby was still asleep, and he wandered out of the room. I tried to fall back asleep but couldn’t. So I went to the kitchen to try having something warm to drink to settle me. And he was there at the table running the bot from his laptop. I flipped out at him. But there really wasn’t reason to. It’s not like I needed help with the baby and he was ignoring me. He wasn’t avoiding our friends. He was just awake and unable to sleep and found something to do with his time. Yet my snap reaction was “why the hell would you do this on a family trip?”

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the less complete sleep from baby’s middle of the night feed? My brain being just consumed by baby? Maybe I’m not as over that shopping incident as I thought? But I’m just so annoyed at his hobby right now. The green eyed monster thinks “you could be using that time differently” but realistically to do what exactly??? Stare at our baby in the dark???

I spent probably an hour apologizing to him after I snapped. And he’s of course hurt and frustrated because I said some very mean things in the moment.

I don’t want to be this jealous, angry person. But I also don’t know how to find time for myself in this right now outside of basic hygiene. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to be myself, even if just for an hour.

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