Is it me…

My husband has the tendency to always blame his bad mood on me, telling me I’m always making him annoyed, that I just irritate him etc. the one time I have a SMALL lie in from doing everything for our 9 month old makes me ‘lazy’ and that I have to rely on him for everything which is not the case. My husband rarely helps out at home with household chores and the baby and thinks he’s doing so much when he’s actually doing below the bare minimum. When he doesn’t get his way he acts like such a child. When I’m trying to tell him something so small and trivial like don’t wear shorts you’re going to get cold he gets so angry. Last night I suggested let’s make our evenings fun because all he does is sit on the sofa in front of the tv and is constantly on his phone. I suggested let’s have a set day for movie night, let’s do a games night and stuff but he just wasn’t interested. I feel like I’ve drawn such a short straw when it comes to my husband as everyone else does fun things with theirs and mine is more interested in his phone which makes me wonder if it’s me. I’ve spoken to him about it but he just doesn’t listen and gets so irritated at me. The other day I said can you please take out the rubbish and he started going off on one calling me lazy and that I’m home all day and I should be the one doing everything and I tried explaining to him I’ve been busy and he starts raising his voice and telling me to ‘shut up’. When he’s in his moods he calls me names too. I’ve gotten my parents to speak to him and he was like don’t worry I won’t do it again but he keeps doing it. I can’t speak to his family because i have a rocky relationship with them because he’s always putting them first and that’s caused us to have even more strains. Any advice?

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first of all, i’m so sorry you have to go through this. Unfortunately, most men have been raised to just provide and society lauds good providers that’s probably why he thinks he is already doing too much. I understand working day in and day out can be stressful but what we do is stressful as well. so I understand your frustration with him not helping out as I feel the same with my husband sometimes. I would suggest just getting on with it as sometimes it’s just better to do things yourself rather than moping. With regards, to rekindling your bond, why not gift him something, surprise him with his favourite meal, give him a good massage. think of it as investing in your relationship and you take the initiative. find friends and go out for walks. also find yourself a support system so your focus is shifted onto other things and this will lift your spirits

When he is in a good mood does he show attraction towards you? Does he compliment you, take the initiative to take you out one dates, goes he buy you gifts or do things out of affection? If a man is into you, the will show it and won't leave you questioning or confused.

He is maybe imitating the relationship he sees his parents have, it seems very transactional except all he is doing is providing.

he used to do that when we first got married but he doesn’t do that anymore. I never get any gifts anymore nor does he initiate taking us out on dates, I always have to says ‘let’s go x y z’. I do know that his parents, his mum especially, gets in his ears about me so I’m not sure if it’s that too.

That's annoying because you shouldn't have to tell him, he should want to do these things out of his own accord. I would suggest take a step back and distance yourself, spend more time with friends and your own hobbies. Make yourself unavailable for him and see if he notices and makes the effort then? Marriage counselling might help to rebuild love languages.

it’s so disappointing and I feel so let down by him and when I convey that he gets in a mood with me about it. Whenever I distance myself he’s always like why are you not speaking, why are you engaging in anything bedroom related etc and I just want to say to him look how you treat me and then figure it out yourself 😩

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it’s sad men like this still exist in this day and age. How does he think you should work/not rest 24/7, that’s impossible! You are allowed to rest too. While he goes to work, you are working too from home looking after a baby and managing the house. When he comes home he should help you out and spend time with baby by feeling/changing nappy/putting them to sleep etc. otherwise the baby won’t have any bond with their father. Islamically it’s sunnah to help you with the household and it’s not ur duty as a wife to cook etc. that’s a form of sadakah on your part. May Allah make him understand this, and please look after yourself too and don’t feel guilty having downtime, you deserve it!

Also in terms of him being angry at you that’s not right, the best of men are the ones who are the best to their wives! I’m so sorry it sounds like he’s not seeing you anything more than a mum and someone to please him in bed which is so wrong.

Maybe get your parents to speak to him again? Or maybe if you get an imaam involved or someone he would listen to, who can advise him how what he is doing is wrong?

Absolutely he should be helping you out at home, spoiling you, treating you to dates and gifts and overall just treating you like the queen that you are. It seems like he is seeing you as a nanny and only wanting you for sex. It's really heartbreaking to read. Is there any way you could get through to him to open up emotionally?

You could say that you really miss the romance you guys had in the beginning and the relationship you had with him. And discuss ways to rekindle things. Sometimes you need to spell it out for men and tell them exactly what you need.

He should care enough about you to know that you have too much to do at home and should do some of the house duties. Taking the bins out is the man's job. And help you equally with the children. He needs to break this misogynistic mindset that his parents have instilled in him. It will take a lot of time unfortunately. Its taken me years and still my in laws are always encouraging my husband to never help with the baby. Its frustrating.

in our community

Is this normal?

Is it just my husband that does this? He is able to work from home via his computer and in the mornings and evenings he is on there doing his job. When he is done for the day he tends to stay in the room and either play video games or watch something. He will occasionally come out and play with the girls for a few minutes and that’s it but when I really need him he says he is busy. My daughters are both 1 year old now and I am just wondering how much involvement should he have with them now?
Idk if this is the norm or not…..

Saying NO to buying toys etc

5 year old is getting really envious of others. He is obsessed with items that other kids have at school. I am pestered daily to buy these things in a different style when we already have 3 others. I have seen parents just buying stuff their kid likes which I don't necessarily agree with even when i can afford it. How do you deal with it?

Thoughts?

your soon to be brother in law (upon inquiry) told you that only a few kids from the family were attending his wedding because they are over the age cut off..

Tablet for kids

Alright don’t need any negative Nancy’s telling me not to get my 2yo a tablet so if that’s what your gunna do please don’t participate in my poll.

We’re about to move cross country 3+ day trip and my 2yo and 9m hate the car I’m talking scream their heads off till they are out of their seats. We’ve already changed car seats and it didn’t help so I’d like to at least have one entertained and sit next to baby and try and distract her or put her to sleep. Our new car has tvs but since they are rear faced my 2yo can’t see it.

Debating getting her a tablet or dvd player right now on long car rides I end up giving her my phone because I get so overwhelmed sitting in between both of them screaming and crying.

And yes I do bring different toys I bring snacks I play songs try to distract her other ways but for the sake of not losing my mind on this move I think this is best.

-A very overwhelmed and anxious to move mama 😓

Daycare?

Thoughts on daycare?? Truly, I am SCARED to be leaving my kid for daycare. I literally do not trust anyone, not even family (they haven’t given me a reason it’s just trust issues on my end, you never know). He’s turning 3 and I’ve been a sahm the whole time but tbh my man doesn’t make enough for us to move out somewhere more calm . We live in a ‘not so safe’ area in LA and I’m just not used to living here so I just want us to give my son a better life and in order to speed up the process I would have to work.. I do lashes at home and I’d be open to take new clients so I wouldn’t have to look for work but I’m just scared to lose my license 😭

Struggling

My husband works and does so much for me and my baby girl. However I get annoyed every time he hops on a video game he usually plays for 1-2 hrs if she's still awake and has like 3+hrs of free time once she goes to sleep (i co/contact sleep). The last time I was able to have actual free time was last month when I tried to turn some onesies into shirts for baby girl to sleep in- and I wasn't able to finish them and haven't picked them up since lol. The only free time I get is while she's napping right next to me where I can't move an inch or breathe too deeply or she'll wake up, or when I shower. Crafting used to be my outlet and now if I were ever to tell him that I need to craft I don't even know what I would do or where to start I just sit there and stare.... just losing myself and I'm struggling with it. Does anyone else feel the same way? What do I do?