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Intimacy & Relationships

i'm trying not to be fucking crazy right now

i really am. i've barely slept the last 5 days (maybe 15 hours total in that time) and i've barely ate anything because it's been a hectic couple weeks and now that everything's settling i can't.

my husband and i had sex 2 days in a row earlier in the week, since then he seems to have pulled away. this happens so often where we have sex and then the next day or a few days after he pulls away and doesn't interact/talk to me as much. he's autistic, we've even talked about this phenomenon, and he swears up and down it's not him pulling away and he feels the same for me as always. but he's lied to me in the past. he lied about having a reddit account, having a discord, watching porn, reinstalling reddit and discord after deleting them, he's lied about buying/smoking cigarettes, and lied about the way he's talked about me and our child online.

so, the past couple days he's pulled away again and tonight i notice him typing a lot, i ask him what he's doing and he's just pretty vague about it. normally he has no problem telling me but today he does? i also noticed while he was typing he was angling his phone away from my view. we sleep next to each other and he's angling his phone toward the wall? for what? he's also changed his phone password recently. you see where i'm coming from?

every single time he's lied to me he's changed his password and not told me. every single time he's been caught in a lie he swears up and down he won't lie to me again, and then 6 months later he fucking does! i asked him for his phone password because i was trying to log into his email as i've been helping him with job applications recently and he just unlocks his phone and tells me the email code and locks it again. like wtf? can i not trust you? is there something you don't want me seeing? why is it i can't have your unlocked phone now but last month you handed it over willingly? because last time i caught him in a fucking lie? maybe don't be so fucking obvious every time you're up to no good?

it's 4am and i don't want to be the crazy wife who wakes her husband up at 4am to accuse him of lying yet again? but at the same time i won't be able to sleep if i don't. i've done so goddamn fucking much for that man and THIS is how i'm repaid? i'm a full time mother, full time college student, and full time wife. i force myself to have sex regularly even when i'm tired or i don't feel like it because he has needs too. i clean house, even after him, because i don't want him to be stressed by his environment after working all day. i teach and care for our daughter every waking moment of the day. i sacrifice myself to give her everything. does that not deserve some fucking thanks? does that not deserve any fucking respect at all?

the last time he lied to me i locked him out of the house and tossed his shoes after him and said GTFO. you're not gonna be out behind my back shit talking ME and expect to get away with it. again, i don't want to be the crazy wife who wakes him up at 4am to accuse him of cheating but im so fucking hurt and confused right now and i just want to know.

someone talk me down because im about to fly off the handle into a rage.