Having mom & MIL around during birth/newborn phase

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy 🤰 I think have them both there it’ll be so nice for you to relax and they can both help you around the house, but then again whatever you believe you will be comfortable with too

I understand your situation very well. For me I made sure to respectfully express mey boundaries with in-laws and my family. I asked that we didn’t have people staying us for awhile just because for me it would’ve been overwhelming. You will be trying to heal and recover on top of little sleep and you need time to bond with your baby alone. Only do and allow what you are comfortable with. If you are unsure maybe have a trial period of having family over at different times and make sure they respect your wishes.

Personally I thought I’d be absolutely fine with visitors but I was so hormonal and exhausted and you also need that time to bond. I feel a lot of things my mum and in laws came out with were quite unhelpful especially as it’s such a vulnerable time. Have a think and you’ll know what’s best for you as all situations are different. Personally I wish I’d not seen a lot of people in the early days. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck ❤️

I would say try to have a very open frank conversation with then about boundaries and what you want and would like for that time to look like

I was the same way when I was pregnant I was super uneasy about people being around. If you are unsure I would just vocalize what your ideal birth is and when you will be ok having visitors. Through the whole pregnancy I stated I didn’t want the immediate family members over until a week after we were home and external family wouldn’t be until after the first shots and/or cold and flu season was over. So when I gave birth no one was caught off guard. We didn’t announce to everyone that I gave birth until the day we were being released from the hospital. Everyone had their own impression of my birth and I would have needed bleachers in the delivery room…. I only wanted my husband there.

Set those boundaries! Do not be afraid. Just let them know that you really want time in the hospital for just you and your partner. If you have a great relationship, they'll be understanding of that. A new baby is super exciting but I've learned a lesson from my first 2 births and it really made me adamant about my boundaries this time around. Plus, we have 2 older kids now so our view of so many people around a new baby whose going to be vulnerable is more concrete. Both our sons were hospitalized at 6 weeks old because they got really sick. Were not sure what happened but we did have many many visitors after both of their births. My parents were understanding of what I wanted and also have been. My in law not so much.

I completely understand how you feel. My mom originally wanted to be there for the birth of my daughter. But me and my hubby spoke and decided on some boundary rules based on what we wanted. 1 no visitors on the day of her birth, as I'd want to rest. 2 the next day my mom and father in law can visit. Then 3 when we are home we want no one to visit for the first 3 weeks so we can adjust to being a family and so I can rest and heal from my C-section. 4 only immediate family to visit to begin with for the first 2 weeks of visits so we're not overwhelmed. There was a couple others but re visiting that was our rules. And everyone understood them and respected our rules. My daughter is now 17 weeks and the only person we've had round home is my father in law a few times and my dad met her on 27/7. I go to my mom's weekly and have gone to my Nanna's twice so far. The first time my brother came too which was when he met her on the 29th May. Sadly he doesn't live too close or he'd visit more. 1/2

2/2 she has met her auntie a few weeks ago and a friend I've made on here. But that's it so far. We're away from the 22nd when she will meet more of our friends. Don't feel bad for setting boundaries. Do what is right for you and your little family, not what's right for the rest of the family ☺️

Who do you think would be most helpful? You have to assess to best fit your needs. I have preexisting health issues and also experienced a C-section with my 1st baby, which was very limiting. While I don’t want any visitors, I am welcoming just a person or 2 that’s actually going to be helpful. So for the hospital, I’ve asked only for my partner to be there and my mother CAN come bc I know she’d be helpful with caring for baby, talking to doctors should an emergency arise and also caring for baby. Once we get home, I have ONLY invited my mother - for the same reasons. I have also very clearly communicated with her that my partner will be on paternity leave so we don’t need her hovering over us with the baby. We will take care of the baby on our own, unless we ask otherwise. I am inviting her here to help with meals, cleaning and making sure my other child gets to school. Those are things that I know I will need personally to make our lives easier. My mom also has medical experience.

So think about what you may need and who would be better at offering that help, mom or MIL? I would tell whoever you don’t choose, that you and your partner have chosen to spend that time alone bonding with the baby and XYZ will only be coming to help with certain things. After X amount of time, you all would love to have her over to meet/spend time with the baby. & don’t feel bad. I’m literally not inviting any other immediate family - sisters, aunts, grandparents, no one. I don’t want to risk my baby’s health or that initial time to bond. If I had cleaners and a nanny for my oldest, I’d invite no one. Well Ngl, I trust my mom more with those things. But again, you assess what’s best for YOU and your situation. It’s your life and your baby. Good luck with whatever you choose!

For me I didn't have a choice no one cared to ask my MIL and couple other family members showed up 5 days after delivery and it was extremely stressful on top of that she gave my newborn a bath while I was asleep and I wouldn't have known if it wasn't for the bath tub inside my tub also I never knew when they were leaving. You really need to sit and think about what you want and if you already feel you don't want anyone is your space I wouldn't and give them a timeframe on when your comfortable with them coming. I also had a c-section so it was very uncomfortable wearing clothes so having uninvited guests was very difficult for me plus having people constantly want to take and hold your new baby when you want to bond is extremely stressful . I wish you the best and congrats on your bundle of joy💞

P.S. I had a lot of family come visit with my 1st and I literally just broke down in front of everyone crying bc it was so overwhelming. And no one did anything wrong. They were also nice, respectful and brought gifts but just so many ppl overwhelmed me. So you definitely don’t want to end up with any regrets or have that experience - not that you will but Ijs lol

You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Post partum is such an emotive and vulnerable time, it’s so easy to get overwhelmed. I just wanted my husband but had a panic attack just before my c-section and wanted my mum. She actually was a great help and in the early days cooked & cleaned to help me. My MIL turned into a nut job and made things much harder, expecting to be hosted and making shitty remarks. It’s permanently damaged our relationship. If you want space, don’t be afraid to express that. If you’re ok with them being around, maybe they could get a hotel nearby so they’re not in your space

Give yourself time to stress about it maybe say something like please don’t by your flights until I talk to the doctor I think it may be more stressful then helpful to have you here so early…I believe that you will very much appreciate the help. Not to make it about me but my MIL unexpectedly passed away less than a month from my son being born and I felt incredibly guilty that I didn’t make it a point to have her come over more my mom was here and I felt like I could only handle one person at a time but I could have handled both 🙈🤷🏽‍♀️

Everyone’s preferences differ with this so it really depends on what you personally want. Personally I just wanted it to be me & my husband at the birth & at home afterwards so we could have that special private bonding with baby before other people were asking for cuddles, & we’re doing the same when our second arrives. No one saw my first until a week after he was born & it was lovely. Usually I’d say if you’ve got help offered for around the house cooking & cleaning then take it but if you’ve got hired cleaners anyway & your partner is prepared to cook for you both while you’re recovering, I’d say soak in those first few days with baby alone. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted someone staying with us at the end of my pregnancy, I was too big & uncomfortable to want to talk & entertain a guest, family or not. Decide what you feel like will be best for YOU & your recovery period, & don’t feel any guilt setting those boundaries with your family. Best of luck🤍

My MIL is a flight away and she came to stay with us for 3 nights when our daughter was 4 weeks old. That felt just right for me. We get on really well and she doesn’t need hosting while she’s here so it was nice and easy. I was a bit anxious towards the end of my pregnancy that she’d want to come much sooner and mentioned it to my partner, (not actually sure if he told her this or not) but worked out ok. By that point I felt confident with feeding (and wasn’t sitting around with my boobs out all the time!) we’d been on lots of trips out and just felt like we’d settled in as a family of 3. My partner is good around the house and with cooking so didn’t feel like I needed looking after by family in that way. We loved having visitors as soon as we got home but house guests felt different! Is it easy enough for them to hop on a flight/ drive down whenever? Maybe say you want chance to settle but if you change your mind once baby’s here I’m sure they’ll be there in a shot! Best of luck 🙌🏽

I had my mom and my MIL both around during the last days of my pregnancy and first days home with a newborn... I regret it. I had an emergency c-section in the end, so while it was kinda useful to have the help, my partner and I would have managed just fine. I'd rather have enjoyed those precious early moments as a new family with just the 3 of us. We would have been able to focus all of our energy on our new baby without having to worry about the grandparents, their welfare, their well-meaning opinions etc. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't have had them here. I'd maybe have had them a couple of weeks after birth.

Set the boundaries early and communicate it with them what you want and need. It’s best for them to stagger their visit. So one comes first and stays for a set time, then leaves. The next person comes afterward. I would say that you’ll be at the most vulnerable you’ve ever been in your life right after birth. You’ll be sweating, leaking, bleeding, crying. So make sure who ever is there first is someone you’re extremely comfortable with.

Oooo I would not want everyone there… I know you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but YOU, your preferences and your new baby are hands down the number one priority. What makes you comfortable, feel good and relaxed. Maybe draw up what your ideal situation would look like (I.e. mom comes for one week then MIL comes for one week shortly after giving her exact dates) then you can share what would feel best moving forward. Sending love! Boundaries are so crucial for any happy family! You’ve got this mama ✨

Set the boundaries now. It’s your experience and nobody but you gets to decide who’s in the room. If it were me I’d say no guests at the house, if they want to stay they need to get a hotel. I don’t think that’s a big ask. You cannot be hosting people fresh out of delivery. And they shouldn’t expect to be crashing your baby bubble. You need those early days for bonding and establishing feeding too. I hated people showing up at my house when I was learning to breastfeed and I had to keep taking baby upstairs as I wasn’t comfortable getting my boob out yet. Ultimately they’ll only know what you decide to tell them. So if you feel like they’ll ignore the boundaries you set then you don’t have to share when labour starts etc etc..

I am 39 +4 weeks and I'm at the waiting stage, I've also got a 3 year old so appreciate having some company (whether that's friends or family) in case I need help. My in laws are coming tonight for the weekend and honestly, I'm glad of the help they'll give with my son but equally I feel like they are joining the waiting game and I don't really like it. I already have my mum messaging every day to check I'm OK. I wouldn't want to have anyone in my house, just waiting for baby to arrive, and I certainly don't want anyone staying in the early days. I'm not against visitors but I know how stressful I found the nights in the early days with my son and they would have been worse if we'd had guests staying too, however helpful they might be. If you don't want anyone around until baby is here, and at least a few days old, then set that expectation now

I think help is nice but I think it’s very important to have a talk about what your boundaries are and maybe let them know what would be the most helpful during your healing/bonding time. Esp if you plan on breastfeeding. My partner and I both welcomed help from our parents if we needed it but honestly we did really good on our own (everyone’s different keep in mind) and I just didn’t feel like I needed that extra support in the early days. I didn’t have any visitors probably for about a week or so afterwards except our parents and my grandma who bullied her way in and I really regret letting her come over because it was very overwhelming. Figure out what’s important you you (and your partner) but ultimately you’re the one going through birth and what you need trumps all else. I also limited visits to 30 mins because I was figuring out breastfeeding and I also just wanted space I couldn’t move a ton after my c section and I just wanted my partner.

I was the same way! I made it clear that no one was allowed at the hospital and we were going to figure it out from there. However, I had a traumatic birth and ended up having my kiddo in the NICU for 12 days. I ended up letting my mom and brother visit baby in NICU so I wasn’t sitting in the hospital alone while my husband had to go back to work. When we made it home, she was still on oxygen and had lots of appointments so we kept visiting to strictly weekends only so I could have my husband help with people.

Totally understandable. I really wanted to be home alone with hubby when baby came but decided my mom could come and help out for a week and honestly it was god sent. She took care of laundry, food, etc. while I handled baby. I honestly wish she could have stayed longer. If you do decide you want the help, maybe suggest they don’t both come at the same time? You can tell them you could use the help at different times…no point in both of them being there together and it may get overwhelming for you. I don’t think there’s any shame in being honest. I don’t think anyone would take offense at that. But you have to ultimately do what you feel is right, and people will just have to deal. You’re very vulnerable post partum. Take care of you first.

Do whatever you’re comfortable with because at the end of the day, it’s YOUR birth experience. I had a silence labor which means we didn’t announce that I was in labor and got admitted. It was only me and my partner until the baby arrived. I have a wonderful relationship with my in laws but labor is going to be your most vulnerable state. I was so glad to only share that moment with my partner.

Can they rent airbnb together nearby?

I haven't receiver anyone home for the first 6 weeks. My mom came from abroad at 2 months pp and stayed in a hotel. That's a very vulnerable moment and I needed privacy, bonding time, family bubble,... Love my family but it was my baby's first moments, not a circus.

Alos, if you are already wondering how you gonna deal with that situation, means it's not gonna be a good and relaxing environment for you pp. You already know that if not you would be happy of it. I would set clear and loving boundaries with your family explaining your needs. You are the mom, you get to decide how you want to experience you first steps into motherhood

What we did is took the first 2 weeks for just us to get established and figure it out alone and then my mom flew out for 2-3 weeks after 2 weeks because that’s when my husband went back to work and it was honestly sooo great to have someone in the “sleep rotation” to be able to get sleep because it was just constant wake ups at first and as someone who needs adequate sleep (more sleep than most) to be able to function that was honestly life saving lol!!! I had PPD PPA super bad due to the sleep deprivation. If they will help like that then I do think it’s helpful but otherwise up to you whether or not you guys can manage without the help. My mom was so helpful though in the fact she helped with night wake ups but also mostly just helped keep things cleaned and laundry done! My MIL came at the 2 month mark and was much less helpful so i would have lost it if she was there at 2 weeks so depends what kinda actual “help” they are haha!!

I didn't want anyone in delivery but my partner did, so we ended up with her family and it was fun. If they want to visit you in postnatal care during your stay, I would say limit it to bringing you a nice dinner and then taking the evening or overnight shift so that you can sleep. You will be grateful for the extra hands after being awake for 72 hours straight!! They should be there to help you, not for their own desire fulfillment. We allowed family to put together a little welcome home brunch so that we had food and company for a short period when we got home from the hospital, which was fun, and then kicked everyone out for 48 hours to settle in on our own. This is where I wish we had protected that time home more, and I would highly recommend blocking a week for just you and your partner. It's important to allow your family to feel involved, but it's MORE important to make sure you have time to relax and connect to your baby and figure out your huge new role!

I knew early on that I wanted that first couple weeks to ourselves because it really was the most special experience. I have a great MIL and she even mentioned that if I’d want anyone around it’d be my own mother first. I feel like anyone that has had a baby can relate to that. There is just so much going on hormonally and in your body those first couple of weeks that I just didn’t want anyone around, even my mother. I don’t regret that decision at all, I got to adjust and I was in a really good frame of mind when family did visit. There’s so much you just can’t prepare for. For me personally I did not know how intensely I was going to want to be the one holding my daughter at all times. I think it would have been so hard to share her those early days. Of course do whatever feels right to you.