To divorce or not!?

thank you. I think it’s a mixture of habit and stress. I don’t know how else to support, I’m always saying I will support him and I thought it was good timing as I put on around 12lb, as I’m a foodie and my downfall is probably chocolate like you! So I said if he supports me with not eating crap and loosing weight and Ill support him with the drinking and vape, I’ve said we can be good Mon-fri and be lenient on the weekends so I can have my treats and he can drink. It’s not like I’ve said to him he can’t drink! It’s just a matter of being good for 5 days then drinking on the 2 days but it’s obvious he’s struggling with that. I think my real struggle is shutting down as I don’t want to go through the whole lies/let downs/disappointment and bad health news I did with my dad like I do my husband. I want what’s best for our children and I believe the more we look after ourselves not only is good for our health but we can be good role models for them.

He has an addiction; as someone who is a recovering heroin addict I will say this, it takes time, support, and patience from you. I had an easier time quitting heroin which makes you physically ill to the point where you can’t get out of bed for at minimum a week to a month when you’re quitting. Cigarettes and drinking don’t do the same to you when you’re giving them up so you would think it’s easier to stop but it’s not. I still smoke cigarettes and vape, an addiction isn’t something you can just give up one day and never go back to again it’s not how that works relapses happen, and are unavoidable at first. It takes about 30 days for the nicotine to leave your system which means you will crave it and become irritable and it will make your body feel weird without the nicotine in it. It then takes about 6 months to a year to drop the hand to mouth addiction which most people substitute with food or in your husbands case, vapes and alcohol. You can not expect someone to immediately

(Cont’d) stop something like that without help from a professional or a substitute for the chemical they are addicted to. Time patience and love are how you need to approach this. One last thing no addict will ever stop their addiction for someone. They love the problem with an addiction. Is you end up loving the thing more than you love the people around you and it is not fair but you cannot force someone to stop and divorce him won’t make him change. He needs patience and love and he will stop when he’s ready.

thanks for your comment and well done on your recovery.

I completely get where you’re coming from and I hope you haven’t misunderstood me. I don’t expect him to change immediately, this has been going on for around 4 years now and I’ve supported him the whole time. And my intention of divorce is sadly not to make him choose me over the drink and vapes but for me choosing to not have another person in my life with an addiction as it’s too hard to cope with, I believe there’s only so much you can help someone and they have to want to do it for themselves. And that’s the current struggle I’m at.

If you notice I said he won’t unless he wants to no one can force him, my intention was not to convince you to stay or go, just to give you all the facts. A conversation or multiple conversations over the last four years is sooooo much different than saying “we are starting Monday” you have to look at it this way, in his mind yall just decided to quit for him. This isn’t something he’s been trying to actively quit for 4 years, yall have only started a couple days ago actively doing this thing yall are trying to do, so yeah that is expecting him to do it over night

Sounds like addiction. Maybe support him to get help from AA or drugs service in your area . Unfortunately this isn’t something you can stop him from doing he has to do it for himself

It also sounds like you have made up your mind already so you know what you really want and no one can make you choose one or the other

Maybe the drink/vape is his way of coping with stress. What is stressing him out and can he use other healthier ways like sports to cope?

Update - we’ve had a deep chat, I admitted he will get it harder from me than your average person because of my experience with my dad and the same emotions coming up. He said the last 2 beers he knew we there so in a way wanted to get rid of them, he said if they weren’t there he would have found it easy. He agreed to not drink in the week days and said he would replace the drink with a run! So since then has been running and not drinking ☺️very proud of him ❤️