Mom friends - Conflicted

I really feel this. I recently moved and everyone (with their best interest at heart) ask if I’ve made any mom friends. While I am very open to making mom friends, it’s also kind of low on my priority list right now. I feel like I just got out of the newborn survival mode and sometimes would like to do more activities just for me, like working out, cooking for fun and trying out new coffee shops. I think if it doesn’t suit you or causing you stress/sadness/disappointment, let it go and find other ways to spend your time that you truly enjoy without any strings attached. Friends will come and go but maybe this isn’t the season to seek them out and put in all that effort. Maybe that’s for down the line. So if people ask or push you, just be honest and say that’s not your priority right now. They probably mean well, but you might just have a lot on your plate right now. Don’t pressure yourself and feel pressured by others. Motherhood is hard enough ❤️

I'm more of a mom acquaintance than a mom friend, I like to have friends based on what we have in common vs what our kids have in common. I have a few mom I get along with but our kids are the only thing we share.

I think this is the most comforting thing I’ve been told ever since my daughter was born (that hasn’t been said in my therapist’s office). I feel like I’m in the same boat because you are totally right. Getting out of that survivor mode is like having a little taste of freedom because kiddos begin gaining more skills and independence and I’ve also wanted to cook more, do crafts, and workout and even with wanting to do those things I still have to fit them around my child’s agenda and mood for the day which isn’t predictable. It’s kind of hard to have time for myself when it’s like you’ve just gained a little bit back just to be told you need to dedicate it to someone else. I really appreciate your comment ❤️

organic and genuine friendships are the ones I crave haha. I’m really glad you said that though because it’s like the narrative of a tribe or community of moms is like an expectation and it is overwhelming and depressing.

I like that term. Mom acquaintance. I think I’m going to start using that. I totally get that like I feel like it is primarily only in movies and tv shows that moms are best friends and their kids are best friends. Not saying that’s not possible but thats a pretty high expectation in my eyes.

Making friends as an adult is hard. I feel like making friends as a mom is even harder because of so many conflicting parenting styles, nap schedules, everyone being so busy, and of course so much judgment from others! I’ve come to the conclusion from interactions with other moms on this app and in real life that lots of moms don’t want mom friends (or don’t want to put any effort into friendships with other moms). If you feel like your life is full and you have the support you desire, then why force something you don’t really want?

thank you 😊

omg yes! Preach! Like there is not a definitive “right way” to parent because just like every adult, every child is different! And the schedules not actually being consistent LAWD it sucks to make plans and feeling bad about cancelling last minute because kids don’t care if you have plans they’ll still be sick or tired or crabby or super energetic and all these other things we can’t always control. I’m honestly not even really interested in mom friends to meet up with. I’d be cool with being pen pals/text and phone call pals because the sleep deprivation is too real and doing everything based on a toddlers schedule can feel almost impossible.

Are you a Capricorn? Lol

lol no but I’m curious as to why that was your first guess 😂 please tell me because I’m super intrigued

(I’m a cancer btw 😂)

😂 bc I’m a Capricorn & I can relate to this very much. I try to be social then get overwhelmed, isolate + deactivate all my accounts then try again like months later lol it’s been a pattern of mine. I just enjoy life much better without social media but sometimes I’m in the mood to socialize. But the whole time I’m trying to be social, I’m already plottin' out the next moment to disappear again 😂

I have Capricorn in Uranus and Neptune in my chart but that’s it 😂 and I feel you on all of that! That surge of energy to be social then falling off the grid. I have a problem with having a hiatus every so often but it also isn’t seldom 😂 the only social media I really use is where I can just scroll and repost memes. Even then it is rare for me to reply to comments on those 😅 idk maybe I’m a Capricorn and someone is lying 😂

I definitely know what you mean. People will message you on here and after some back and forth they just stop replying. Making friends is hard even on an app where that’s the main goal. But I try not to take those things personally. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and eventually you’ll find a good friend.🤞🏻

what’s frustrating is when someone reaches out to you first then just nothing after that. And sometimes it’s hard on apps and social media because it’s like a bunch of additional things to think about when you aren’t meeting in person locally. Maybe that’s just me. Can’t always really assess the vibes right away online like you can in person.

agreed

I’m a mom acquaintance and completely understand the feeling. Since I met a mom we formed the smallest mom group and we meet b/c of the girls every week. Honestly without them I’d be occasionally meeting other mom’s but I do it for my kid, since I’m not very social. We as moms are slowly learning about each other but it’s hard when your kid is heading in one direction and theirs in another at the playground 😅 I’ve learned that you eventually find your friend group it’s just a matter of keep trying. In the words of another mom “I feel like I’m dating all over again on an app”

I’m so glad I’m not the only one and I agree with everyone here.
I have zero interest in making forced friendships. If it happens naturally so be it but it’s not at the top of my list. Your time is precious don’t feel like you have to spend it on people you don’t want.

Ugh i could have wrote this 🥲 My husbands constantly making jokes about my lack of friends or overstepping his questions every time I talk to someone like hes so eager for it to work out. Its so stressful. I keep putting myself out there and get nothing back and also its like I dont have a ton to give others right now. Its almost like people want you to have “mom friends” so they dont have to deal with your very real mom life. Everyones like you dont do anything etc, I am in the era of raising young babies. This is not the time for dinners and shopping trips lol 🤷‍♀️ Ive never been super overly social. I think the real problem is the people you think would be staples in your kids life and your motherhood have little interest and moms are left with the guilt and responsibility to create this magical village.

I felt like I had to go to baby groups but I really didn’t like them- the mums there were really cliquey and other than having a kid I didn’t have anything in common with them! I’ve been lucky that I’ve found a couple of mum friends nearby but it is hard to make friends as an adult and even harder when your life revolves around a little one! I’ve got a few close friends and I’m happy with that! I don’t want forced friendships! X

This totally resonates with me!!!

I'm sorry I haven't read the comments as there are a lot so I might be repeating.

I kind of went like this =
Pre baby - "I'm not going to join the clique mom groups"
Post baby - "i need to join mom groups for my babies development otherwise I'm hindering her"

First baby group- terrified, anxious, nervous
Todays baby group- excited and happy

After seeing posts on peanut saying it's good to go to groups for development, I forced myself into it. However, when I first went I felt forced into trying to make friendships and even gave my number to a couple - never spoke to them again.
I continued going to do groups but stopped trying to make friends and concentrated on my daughter and I actually made some good acquitances. I haven't called them friends as we have not passed numbers etc but I see them weekly, have a catch up and it's lovely. As soon as the pressure was off it was just natural.
If you want to go, go with an open mind and don't push yourself 🫂

totally agree! And we typically have kiddos with us 24/7 so they have to be included and that can be a lot when you just want to talk to someone and not have to keep stopping mid sentence to make sure your kid isn’t doing anything unsafe.

this is spot on! And it’s funny because I said it the. Saw that someone said it in Reddit that this is like tinder for moms to find friends.

it can feel like another unspoken expectation as a mom

I understand, especially what you said about the genuine aspect of making friends. I haven't met up with one person the whole year I've been on this app lol it's almost enough for me to just give and receive support online 🤷

omg true, I recently met up with a friend from college and we have kids now and we got like one conversation in cause things happen, kids melt down, need to get chased down, have different nap/feeding times, and whatnot 🤣 especially cause they were all different ages and couldn't play together.

I like that you mentioned the reality of mom life because sometimes it can feel like being on a completely different planet as a mom. It’s hard enough to even stay awake to do other responsibility related things like pay bills and stuff and then trying to make time for hobbies and interests can feel impossible. It feels very rare that even dressing up in like outside and around people clothes with make up on is possible.

I don’t think a lot of people realize the level of exhaustion that’s there and just being able to talk or text can be enough because there’s no expectations and if you don’t get a response for a few days it is more than likely something relatable that happened with the kiddos that’s understood 😂

it’s definitely not like in the movies 😂

I get that. I think that since we live in an area that doesn’t really align with our lives in certain ways it can be hard. Daycare is literally a second mortgage every month. We are an hour or so away from family so advanced notice is important if we need help. It’s just hard.

I’m an introvert / antisocial too. I find big groups overwhelming.

Maybe find someone with the same interest. Someone low maintenance and don’t judge which is hard to find nowadays but they’re out there! You just have to look harder & make an effort.

I posted on fb mom groups & I found this amazing introvert mama on fb, & just like peanut butter & jelly, we clicked! We don’t socialize with anyone other than each other, I watch her kid sometimes & she watches mine.. it’s give & take… we’re so grateful for each other.. sometimes we feel lazy to go out but we still meet for the sake of the kids…

You have higher changes of meeting one when you go out.. find a mama with the same interest as yours. The playdates will follow…

Think about it - when we were younger, we’d make friends at school, extracurriculars, church, work, etc. - we had shared interests and/or parts of our lives that overlapped. Now as moms, the ONLY thing many of us have in common is having kids. Our lives are completely separate unless we make an effort to overlap them. If personalities and interests don’t match, it’s hard to carry a friendship.

It’s also hard when people are looking for different things. Some moms are looking for a bestie they see almost every day, some are looking for playdates, some are looking for a mom’s night out buddy, some are looking for a texting buddy. Maybe add that you’re looking for a texting buddy with occasional meetups to your bio? That way people see what you’re looking for!

Also, maybe I’m jaded, but I don’t think the village concept really exists in today’s world except for a few lucky people. It seems most people who have that “village” are close with their parents/siblings 🤷‍♀️

Love the term “mom acquaintance.” I’m totally using that going forward 😄

I’ve been trying but it’s pretty hard where I live. Let’s just say that I live where 2 major families own the area and it is highly evangelical Christian and my family and I are definitely not that. Agnostic introverted husband and spiritual witchcraft me. We don’t exactly fit. I’ve tried the mom groups and some are less than desirable to be a part of like when you see people post about needing help to leave an abusive partner then they get bashed because they can’t leave for a number of reasons. I’d really like to make a friend but it’s pretty hard locally and then per social media and apps it’s like looking in an ocean for one fish to click with.

I’ll definitely take your advice and update my bio to see if it helps. It’s just overwhelming. Plus between personal stresses, a family member being in the hospital right now that I’ll be traveling to help care for frequently, and a plethora of other things going on in my life right now, it’s just seeming to not be in the cards.

I also agree with your village viewpoint. Things definitely aren’t like they used to be.