No one else understands so I'm saying it here
I feel really alone with my feelings as a mom. I can't tell anyone anything in my life because they don't seem to get it at all.
Family members that I've always been so close to, I don't even want to tell them the reality of my life anymore. It only makes me feel worst because they very much don't understand.
Me and my daughter are on the spectrum and I have a younger child too. I'm trying my best and I have been sick for 2 weeks on top of the usual not being able to get it all done-ness. My daughter is expressing her frustration at me over how much time I have to give to other things and how I don't respond properly in conversation with her. Tonight it pushed me over the limit and I was crying. She wants everything to be just so. Just right. Always. ("The foods not right I'm not eating" "your response was dry, you don't care, don't talk to me" "don't look at me" so then when I don't, "see you're looking at the baby so I know you didn't hear me" ) I mean it goes on and on all day every day with comments like this.... mixed in with some good conversation moments and sweet moments where she says nice things, there's just like some perfection switch that flips. I honestly can feel it coming and I try to be perfect 🤷♀️ which is impossible. I'm tired of trying if I'm being honest. I still am believe me. I'm just tired of it.
I want to avoid the feelings I get personally because I keep trying to just go on. I tell myself don't take it personal. I tell myself to take a breath. Remind myself not to look at her but to make sure I nod my head so she knows I am listening. Make the food the way she wants so she doesn't starve.
The problem is now I have a young child too that needs me always. And now I'm pretty much in the middle of my own autistic burn out. So what do I even do. I can't be any better than this. I finally broke down and just told her. I doubt I should have. I also doubt she even understands what I was getting at. Maybe it even made her feel bad so now I feel bad.
It's not her burden to carry my feelings. I shouldn't have said it. But I did. I told her " look, look at everything I do, I can't do any more than this. You tell me one thing then you tell me it's wrong. So I try a different way. You say ew someone needs to clean the kitchen i cant even go in there,then get mad because I am busy cleaning it. My tone wasn't right. My face looked wrong. Stop analyzing me inccorectly. When I tell you I love to talk to you I mean that with my whole heart. Just stop telling me I'm wrong I'm trying my best every day"
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I was trying to get the kitchen cleaned up to make pumpkin crafts with the kids tonight when I got into it with her because she said I wasn't responding the right way so she was never speaking to me again.
It just hurts how much I'm trying and like no one sees it 😥 i love my kids so much 😭 I just have no help. This is the best i can do and I know it's not enough for her
My family doesn't get it. They say, give her chores so she will respect you lol umm OK. Then what have her refuse and us both have a meltdown because I'm too tired to handle what comes with it. Or telling me if we all eat dinner at the table we can talk and we will feel better... like we are autistic we don't want to hear eachother chewing food 😩 they absolutely do not understand. She's autistic. Maybe something out there will help or maybe not. Maybe I just need someone to get it
My oldest sister has a child who is on the spectrum who is non-verbal (also the oldest as he has two younger siblings). All of our family understands the autistic child (our nephew, grandson, great-grandson, ec,.). We also help out when we can so I know what you’re going through and it sucks your family don’t try to understand because it’s honestly not that simple when it comes to someone being on the spectrum. There’s lots of patience that comes with it too. I had to learn that with my nephew. My sister also had to learn with her second child as she’s able to speak and she wasn’t used to that for years as I mentioned, her oldest is non-verbal. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone, mamas. *hug* 🤍🤍
I am so sorry to read this, trust me I have tears in my eyes reading your feelings. It's heartbreaking hearing what you are going through 💔. I hope I had something to say which could have helped you or do which could make you feel rested. It's all out of my scope all I can do to send you some love and care. I also wanted to let you know that you are an amazing mother and also a human being 🤗 🤍
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