Struggling with 16yr old daughter’s attitude

Stop replying to her. Just ignore her. As hard as it is. Don’t enable her entitlement by giving her the undeserved attention that she’s asking for as it just continues to make her have the same attitude towards life. Don’t engage when she ever starts to insult you again you will never get anything out of it. She sounds like she could be a narcissist and it never works with them.

I wouldn’t be explaining myself so much to her. It’s not all on you, but you’re enabling a pattern of her saying whatever she wants and kind of being a bit of a bully. You’re too apologetic for something she isn’t entitled to.

You can validate her and also tell her you’re not going to tolerate disrespect. Telling you to fuck off? Ask her if she’d like to get the fuck out of your house? Treat her as if she weren’t your daughter, because I think you’re being passive towards her because she is your daughter.

What is she asking for that she didn’t get?

Ugg boots- £235; Essentials jumper £109; New balance trainers £100; Leather jacket. Day out in London and sea food boil (which I 100% agreed to and arranged) will amount to £300
I’ve offered an alternative to essentials jumper and asked her to choose one item from the list.

She’s going to be 17, she can go and find a part time/weekend job to learn the value of money and purchase the items she wants for herself. I hope you’re ok, and you’re doing amazing!

If this was my daughter she would be getting NOTHING I would literally buy MYSELF something instead!! And I am saying this as someone with an 11yo with a rank attitude but I’ve never been spoken too like this and I’ll be damned if she ever tries too. You deserve so much more than to be spoken to like this by someone you birthed and raised and I’m sorry you have to cop it!

All in all,

Just remember as people mature and become adults/parents, they come to realise just what it takes and what their parents actually did for them and all the while you don’t deserve this treatment, I do hope she comes around and becomes grateful for all you’ve done. My daughter acts entitled and disrespects me too. I’ve started taking her phone away and not tolerating any of it because I want to avoid this when she becomes a teen/adult and I don’t have control over it.

I am actually fkn praying for you and sending ALL my love and positive energy 🫶🏽🤍

17 isn't a big birthday to celebrate, she needs to wake up and know what the real world is like. Has she spoken to you like this before,her dad being absent and a brother with ADHD isn't an excuse. I'd be absolutely fuming and I would let her know about it.
I would also sit her down and show her the expenses of living.
Tell if she wants those things she's listed to go get a job

I have a son the same age and honestly he would never speak to me like that, he knows better but if this was him he wouldn’t get a damn thing till he learned to speak to me properly and learn some respect. I don’t play when it comes to this sort of thing

So I remember being like this to my mum.. maybe not to that extent but I was crying once because they wouldn’t buy me name brand clothes 😅 at the time it seemed like the end of the world. I’m horrified when I look back.
But omg not the language. She’d have dragged me to the bathroom and washed out my mouth out with soap!!

I think I’d say something to validate like “I know you’re upset and I’m sorry if I said that I’d get it for you, my circumstances have changed and I apologise. I don’t however appreciate the language you are using and telling your mom to “fuck off” is not okay. I love you Mia. “

I don’t think the ‘my child will never do that’ comments are helpful.
She knows this is not normal and that’s why she’s asking for support.

This is not an isolated incident ..Considering all that was mentioned above, you two definitely need some outside intervention. I would be putting that money towards family counselling sessions instead.

It’s clear you’ve been doing everything you can for your daughter, and it’s tough when that feels unappreciated. Her behavior might come from all the stress she’s been through—moving, her dad’s absence, and family challenges—but it’s still not okay for her to treat you disrespectfully. Stay calm but firm with your boundaries, and remind her that birthdays are about celebrating her, not about expensive gifts. You could also involve her in saving for something she really wants to teach her some responsibility. Therapy—either for her, for you, or together—could really help with the bigger emotions and communication struggles. Most importantly, try to focus on small moments to reconnect and remind yourself you’re doing an amazing job, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. This phase won’t last forever. ❤️

This made me so sad to read. I hope you’re okay. Don’t explain yourself anymore, I feel you’re maybe compensating the love (dad being MIA) by doing so like this, is only throwing gasoline onto her rage. She is being entitled and greedy - no fault of yours at all!

I wouldn’t even talk to someone I didn’t particularly like that way let alone my own mother. This is disrespect of the highest order. On her birthday just put outside her room what you’ve already got her and don’t say anything. Let her feel some guilt over the way she has treated you.

Im sorry you’re actually too sweet. Me and my own morher have so many problems but I would never dare speak to her like this even if it may have been granted once or twice. The attitude itself made me upset for you. But the telling u to f off??! The level of rage I just felt. Atp get your money back and dont even acknowledge her birthday because the blatant disrespect its absurd. Your daughter may be going through a lot but ffs everyone does and so are you. If she cant be empathetic then she doesnt deserve a damn thing! The way i grew up makes me want to grab her and wash her mouth with soap however the parent i want to be for my own daughter is the kind that would tell you to simply take her brother out on the day and do something for yourself instead. I would also recommend she gets a job so she learns the value of money. Put a bill on her name and explain to her that it will now be her responsibility to pay it on time (she can pass you the money and you secretly pay it and save the

Money on the side for when her attitude is back in check and then give her that money back after) im sure it will teach her a thing or two about how hard things can be

This made me so sad. I used to treat my mum like this when I was that age and I feel horrible about it to this day. Almost 10 years later and my mum and I have a great relationship.
I know everyone parents differently.
If I had done this, my mum wouldn’t give me a thing and would make sure no one else got me anything either. She would then make sure I do absolutely nothing for my birthday, nothing with my friends. I would be stuck at home and it’s horrible to do but it’s things like that where I look back and I genuinely think I learned a lesson. I do think it’s hard to be blunt but to me, it seems like you’re feeding in to it and giving her explanations, she is a child and you don’t owe her an explanation at all. She needs to learn to be grateful for whatever she gets, and (for lack of better words) not to be a brat. Don’t be afraid to say it as it is. You’re the parent. I don’t think I would respect my mum the way I do right now if she hadn’t put me in my place, the way she had.

You’re doing an amazing job and working with what you have and just sometimes teens can be assholes. Don’t feel defeated. She will learn eventually

Honestly, I’d tell her to go get a job if there are things she wants. This is the time to prepare her for adulthood. I don’t have a relationship with my mom and I speak to her this way. When I was 17 I slapped her across her face. I have 2 other siblings and I never felt a connection with my mother. She resented me since birth. She literally hands everything to my brother including her $800k house when he got married. I had to buy her old lemon from her for $5k so I could get back n forth to work. I know I’m better off without her. I wish you the best. Maybe counseling could help?

@Tee I came to say similar. Sounds like there's been a bit of upheaval and resentment, etc. @Tia, have you considered family therapy 🤔 looking back, I think that definitely would've helped my family, growing up, but it wasn't the done thing back then! I hope things get better for you all. 🙏

I know you said her dad is absent but I think you need a strong male in your corner here to give her a talking to. Is your dad or one of your brothers close enough to have a word with her? She should absolutely not be talking to you like that! Also 17th birthday isn’t even that momentous, 18 and 21 are the big ones.

Uhm ma’am we don’t explain to anywho who we can still claim on taxes. I would square up with sis so damn quick

If my son spoke to me that way I would probably flip my lid. Maybe you baby her too much? At 15 I was already working two jobs. I moved out at 18. Does she work? I regularly tell my 15 year old son he needs to get a job and that he is too lazy and entitled. 🤷

Tell her if she's gonna be ungrateful, then she can get herself a job and buy her own shit then she might realise how far money doesn't go

My sons 11 soon to be 12 and I can hand on my heart say that he will never speak to me like that but then again when he’s 17 years old you just never know! One thing I will say though is that you are the adult and you do not need to explain anything to her “it’s to expensive” that is all she needs to know, if she’s not happy then tough! If she’s swearing to you in a conversation then you need to pull her up on it straight away, you can not just make that go over your head

OP you gotta start standing your ground before it's too late. It might already be. No means no. Not "I can't afford all of this". It's either you pick 2 or you get none. Don't compromise with her after you already got her gifts "I can't get you that but I can get you this instead". She knows she can control you. You already spent $350 on her birthday, that's MORE than enough. Either she takes it and is grateful or I'm sure you can go for her which is what you should do with her talking to you like this. You've said you try your best to not tolerate it, it sounds like you be been enabling her behavior which after 16 years would be hard to correct

Her dad and brother aren't an excuse and neither of those are you fault. You shouldn't use them as an excuse and there's absolutely no need to feel like you have to compensate. Also iPhones are expensive, I hope she's paying for that 😵‍💫

Good luck OP 🥲

do what she asked and ‘dont get her Anything at all’

Have you all tried counseling? This behavior is beyond her just being an unruly teenager. I know you must feel so hurt but it’s not too late for you to lay some boundaries. You can’t force her to change but you can. It may lead to a better relationship.

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. You’re doing your best and you’re doing amazing. I have an 11 year old and the attitudes are something else, so I empathize with you. I just try to remind myself of how I was and how I felt at that age and then I set solid boundaries while maintaining that empathy and understanding. She needs some time to reflect on her actions and if I were you I would let her know that at this point, she will not be getting anything for her birthday, like she wants. If she decides to change her mind and reconsider accepting your gift to her then she can come to you when she’s ready to talk to you RESPECTFULLY. She needs to know that you will not tolerate her speaking to you that way. Or anyone for that matter. Period. Don’t let her treat you that way. Remind her that you love her and leave it at that.

Lol from the first “f***” that would of been the end of that. Why are you condoning such behaviour? She’s your daughter you are HER mother, you carrying on is allowing her to think she can speak to you the way she does.

I would of cancelled her birthday, cancelled all plans and presents and returned everything. She sounds like an ungrateful spoilt little brat and quite frankly needs putting in her place.

I say this in the nicest way possible, but please get a back bone and stand up to her. If you keep letting this sort of behaviour carry on it will only get worse

Erm I think this is clear. Don't get her anything.

She's a brat.

Personal opinion but get you’re money back for the items you’ve bought. This isn’t even my child yet I felt my blood boil when she’s telling u to Fck off 😐 I’m sorry but if any of my kids ever tried to speak to me like this let alone thought they could cuss me like this when I’m doing all I can as a parent to provide the police better come put them cuffs on me ASAP because. No way in hell am I bringing a child into this world for them to stand up and think they can disrespect me like this 😐

When she’s cursing at you at you haven’t addressed it tells me that you’ve been letting her get away with it for some time to a point where she’s now became entitled and when u don’t check her with how she’s speaking to you it enables her to believe she can keep doing it, by the looks of it she should of been checked a very long time ago.

That being said you need to remind her who the adult is and who’s the child and if she wants to keep talking to you like that she needs to get the hell out!

But I strongly advise u to cancel that trip to London and return those items you bought for her, she doesn’t deserve nothing from you! If that was my child the most she’d get is a good morning, happy birthday on the day of her birthday and nothing more. Kids aren’t our friends they are our kids and should be treated as such which means behaviour like that can’t be allowed and if rules can’t be followed consequences will be had. I know you don’t want to be seen as the mean parent but you have to draw the lines somewhere and this child should have had it drawn a long time ago!

No offense but she’s acting like a spoiled brat here, I get that it’s a let down when you don’t get what you want but she should be appreciative of what she does have and get, and to speak you like this she doesn’t even deserve a gift or celebration at that point she should be punished with nothing to do I’m gonna be honest if I talked to my mother like that I would get smacked for it, you’re doing amazing and honestly she needs to learn respect

Oh dear I wish you all the luck! And patience! I don’t have much of advice but my mom would of slapped the s*it out of me for this 😄 I would be lucky to get anything ever again. Every time I would speak back I used to be cut off something, like phone, or grounded.. maybe (just my thought) you are too soft on her? 🫣

I did this to my mum at her age too. My mum was a push over. Not much longer after I met my boyfriend who had never done any of this and he put me in my place. 🤣
Looking back, as a mum now, I would say - no and yes. I'd say, great, you'll just have to see what you get for your birthday.
If she wants to kick off she can do it on her birthday and ruin it herself. 😊 teenagers are great, but damn hard, there is no pleasing them.

Being 16 sucks under the best of circumstances. What you described - especially with the absentee dad - is not the best of circumstances. She's likely taking whatever this has triggered in her out on her safe person. You. She, and you, need a professional to talk to.

Bless you! I instantly felt saddened reading this 🥺 Unfortunately nowadays because kids see so much online about others or what’s new they’re not as greatful. I got my first job around 15/16 and it really is a good way to learn the value of money. I would suggest maybe pushing her to get a part time job.

But one day she’s going to realise how awful she was and how bad she made you feel. Your doing your best 🫶 stay strong and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

Nah. This is absolutely NOT okay! I’m sorry. Please please put your foot down. You are such a sweet mom. But sometimes sweet is exactly what gets us in this position, wish I could give you a hug! It will be okay. Definitely do not engage!

If I’ve answered like that to my mum I wouldn’t be here today. She sounds entitled and ungrateful. Very sad, I am sorry you are going through this, but if she got like that is because you probably let her do it in the past

Sounds like she's use to being spoiled and/or always getting her way. She's 16 going on 17 so if she wants something that costs money, tell her to get a job. My oldest just turned 18 and she works a full time job. She pays for the things she WANTS. Even things she NEEDS. She likes being financially responsible. My sons are 16 and 15. They do random jobs for our neighbors to make money. My 15 year old invests his money in the stock market and even created his own website on Shopify, selling mens designer fragrances. My older son just saves the money he makes. Cut her off! I would buy her ONLY things she needs. (Like deodorant, tampons, food, TOILET PAPER!) I never talked to my parents like that. My parents always paid for everything I needed and wanted. I never asked for much though. I got my first job at 15 and I felt so mature having my own money. I think that once she gets a job and has money to buy the things she wants, her attitude will change. Hopefully. Good luck!