Sex decline with a husband who is a training sex therapist.
At the beginning of our dating relationship, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other! We are both Christians and “crossed the line” way too many times before marriage. We never had sex, but we’d do oral and other things. We both also have a history of watching porn individually. Once we got married, he continued watching porn and would engage in sex with me but it didn’t seem as passionate as I thought it would, given our sexual history before marriage.. after I found out how often he was watching porn while he was also avoiding having sex with me, he/we worked through it and he now says he isn’t watching porn & I believe him (?). But. We are only having sex like 2-3x a month. Maybe less. And I am just so disappointed. I want to have a fun and full sex life with my husband. I want to enjoy him and be enjoyed by him. I just thought that’s how our marriage was going to be. We talk about it from time to time & he says that he just isn’t really ever interested in having sex and it’s not about me but he understands it’s a need for me, so he does it.
It’s just so unsatisfying knowing that he doesn’t fully embrace it while we are having it. It’s embarrassing how much I want him and desire him sexually and he just doesn’t think about me or see me in that way. There is nothing he can think of that I do that makes him feel good sexually/intimately outside of sex that gets him in the mood.
I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage. I’ve suggested expressing affection or connection in other ways that are non sexual, but he never initiates that with me either.
I feel like I’m just forever going to be unsatisfied with a husband who has no interest in having sex. And I feel so many complex feelings about it- as a Christian, as a woman who embraced her high sex drive, as a wife who wants to love and honor her husband.
OH! And he is a sex therapist in training. Currently an AMFT but wants to get certified in sex therapy when he’s licensed. And I feel like it’s just such a joke lol. Even though I know he’s doing it bc of his high interest in supporting people through their sexual experiences and sexualities….. I just feel soo like neglected in mine…. Kind of. Idk. He supports me. He just isn’t on the same wavelength as me. Which I’m having a hard time with!
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To note: he is on lexapro for anxiety.
Lexapro could TOTALLY affect his sex drive and make him blah. I would encourage him to speak with his physician to switch to some medication that doesn’t have as many sexual side effects like Wellbutrin, Remeron, viibryd, or trintellix.
That is soo crazy that he is a sex therapist in training and can’t make it work with u forever that
Update: he hasn’t been watching porn apparently. But has been having sexy chat sessions with freaking AI! Honestly a jooookeeeeee. I’m toying the idea of divorce bc this is just embarrassing for me. I’ve given him the space to be honest about any lines he may crosses regarding how he honors me and he has never uses those opportunities to be honest. He has lied time and time again to me about crossing the line & even when I caught him, HE WAS STILL lying.
It’s exhausting trying to make things work in a marriage. All other aspects of our marriage are super great!! And very functional. But when it comes to intimacy (even non sexual intimacy), it’s super isolating and sad.
I just keep spiraling out over the idea that I’ve asked him to sext or have flirty text convos with me for fun but he would always decline because “that’s not who he is” but in reality he’s been doing it with a robot!! He ended up saying he doesn’t do it with me because it’s “too much pressure” duh. I’m not a robot.
I’m a human being who DESIRES to explore her sexuality with you and enjoy it with you, but you are destroying the intimacy. For what? Because it’s too hard? So does he just expect this marriage to be easy? Is all that I am a crutch for him to have a better life & what am I left with? No form of connection or work. It is extremely heart breaking to me that I am not worth the work and effort in his eyes. I hope he doesn’t treat our kids that way as they grow up. They deserve to be loved in all aspects- the hard, the ugly, the “unwanted” parts of them. I want them!! Just like I want him!!! And he doesn’t freaking want me.
It’s embarrassing to beg him consistent of how badly I just want to be wanted. It’s sooooo embarrassing.
I don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I’m looking into the “let them” concept. But it seems impossible to let this go and just be okay with a loveless functional marriage.
I’m 27 & he’s 30. We’re coming up to our 5 year wedding anniversary. We have a 1.5 year old & im 21 weeks pregnant with our second. We also have had 4 miscarriages.
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