How do you navigate between telling your child not to hit someone back but also wanting them to defend themselves?

Oop I didn’t mean to answer the first one!

We say if he gets hit to tell a teacher and have them deal with it. If they're still repeatedly doing it then we've said it's ok to defend yourself but if you ever feel in real danger to walk or run to a safe adult.

In our case five year olds aren't all that dangerous of course but that's more embedding the idea for later on if they ever needed that advice.

Yeah its weird I feel like you cant say anything now. When I was young I was told if someone hits you, hit them back harder so they learn their lesson and dont do it again. Plus now they know how it feels. Makes sense to me 🤣

Like the other day we were at a birthday party and my son was on the bouncy castle and this boy kept going up to him and hitting him for no reason so eventually my son chased him and hit him back, then i felt like all the parents were staring at me to say something so when I told him that's not OK he just looked at me all sad and said "but mummy he kept hitting me" and I just felt awful. When in reality I'm glad he did it to be honest...

@Sarah you don't have to cucumber under societal pressure. Where parents not reacting when that boy kept coming up to your child and hitting him for no reason?! I would feel the same way as you did ... be glad he did it 😊

I wouldn't tell my child not to hit someone back if they get hit first personally. I would just tell them that it is never ok to hit someone first.

"If someone hits you you tell them to stop AND tell an adult. If they hit you again, knock em to the ground and back off."

If someone hits my kid and I see it im going up to that child and im letting them know its not okay to hit. My child needs to know im looking out for them. Then id let their adult know that their child hit mine. If they address it great, if they dont...thats fine. But the next time their kid hits mine and mine swings back well 🤷🏾‍♀️

w my bonus babies , i ALWAYS tell them to lmk if one of them hits each other. i have them tell me & whoever hit who gets hit back. if kid A tells me that kid B hit them , i’d bring kid A to kid B , ask what happened , make sure i say if you hit sb always expect to get hit back & i have kid A hit them back one time. i ONLY allow hit backs if i’m told sumn went down & i literally say hit them back

I’ve always told my girls if someone’s done it more than once and you’ve told an adult eg at school, hit them/shove them harder so they won’t do it again and if you get in trouble at school don’t worry about it and you won’t be in trouble with me and I’ll go down to school. We’ve had it with one person and my daughter (she’s 9) is under strict instructions from me, if this person lays a hand on her again.

When they were younger and it happened and I was there I would tell the child it’s not ok to hit and speak to their mother and tell mine to stay away from them and let me know if it happens again. At a young age you have to give the benefit of the doubt they are still young and sometimes can’t keep their hands to themselves, but even then and especially with them being told then they still do it then it’s fair game! I will 100% tell mine to defend themselves

I would tell my kids what my mom told me, you dont ever hit anybody first but if they hit you… “You better hit their ass back!” And hard at that. Lol

I was told to never throw the first punch but always throw the last. My husband prefers we tewch our son to find an adult and then tell us if he is ever hit

I grew up with the rule - don’t start fights but you can finish them. My children have the exact same rule.

I told mine to not bully others. If someone hits them, hit them back. For my boy, if a girl hits him, walk away and get an adult. And tell her to keep her hands to herself.

If my kid gets hit, I will teach him to be vocal to tell them to stop and give a warning. If the bully persists, the bully can throw the first, but my kid will throw the last. I'll "teach him, don't start none, won't be none." My kid and the bully might have matching black eyes, but the bully won't try it again, lol... if he's smart.

He's four...don't teach him to hit anyone. 4 yr olds get different lessons from their parents than 14 yr olds. He should walk away and tell an adult if he gets hit and you're not there. If you're there, step in and tell their parent. Why would you want your 4 yr old to defend himself against another kid? There would be a parent or teacher involved. We don't want 4 yr olds in fist fights because we taught them all to hit each other back and forth. Save the high school lessons for high school.

First step is to tell them to stop and get the teacher. If it keeps happening after whatever the teacher does, then it’s in self defense.

You aren’t going to start the fight, but you dang sure can finish it.

It’s going to work really well at school if you tell them it’s ok to hit back in defence. I’d tell them to walk away and find their friends and tell an appropriate adult which also applies if a child is being unkind as well.

there's a huge difference between a 4 yr old and a 14 yr old. If you teach a 4 yr old that it's okay to hit (back), I think you're signing up for trouble. They cannot reason when it is appropriate or not. What if a 2 yr old hits them, should they go punching little babies? They don't know the difference in ages and how they could really hurt someone. The way we stop 4 yr olds from hitting in the first place is to teach that hitting is wrong. A four year old doesn't need bigger muscles and strength to defend. They need to understand the difference between right and wrong and not be introduced to violence being an acceptable way to handle a situation with other children. Babies hitting other babies is not a good lesson learned, and it's not cute.

I am not comfortable with any sort of physical fighting. I will teach my son to walk away or get help.
I was bullied in school and I never hit anyone back. I would walk off. One girl was so small compared to me that I just stood there whilst she hit me and then I left. She got really annoyed and said "why didn't you hit me back!!!" which I count as a win 😏.
I personally don't think violence is ever the answer. If there was ever a scenario where my son hit someone first and they hit him back I'd just say "well what did you expect to happen???'" there'd be little sympathy but a lesson in that.

At this age he shouldn’t hit back. You can clarify the boundaries when he’s older

We need to adapt the advice and wording according to their age.

Not all children hit back when someone else hits them. That is the recipe to start a fight. If it is within his nature to hit back, he understands he can defend himself. You will have to teach him alternatives to hitting when he wants someone else's behaviour to stop.

75% thinks it is OK to hit back... What happened with all the in between steps such as calling them out, get the attention of an adult, remove yourself??

If we don't teach children to regulate themselves, we are not going to have emotionally regulated adults.

It's a hard one and I'm at this point, there's a child who has zero boundaries and we have to be in their presence often. This child will smack and snatch toys. My kids will fight amongst themselves but never hit others. This other child is a tall 3 year old and the final straw was him smacking my smaller 3year old in his face unprovoked. My older two are fed up 6 &7 and will stand Infront their younger sibling or put their hands out to stop the other child hitting or snatching (clearly I intervene by calling my child or shouting No or stop at other child if other mom has not removed her child) I'm at a place where my child is not a punch bag and I want him to defend himself but his older siblings are now saying they are fed up too and next time they'll smack him back, whilst my mouth is saying no, his much smaller, walk away. My heart is wanting them to land one hard smack that he never forgets 🫣 forgive me

and where is the mother of that other aggressive kid?

present, but child does not listen, mother preserves a culture where boys are more favourable and does little where discipline is concerned beyond a no in the moment and then he immediately persist.

Or instead you as the parent remove your 4 year old child from the unsafe situation and speak to the other parent about it. If it continues, you speak with the police or child services.

Why would you want your child and subsequent teenager and adult to think violence and assault is the solution? If a teenager is being physically assaulted (call it bullying if you want)...I'm laying charges with the police I'm not teaching my child to "hit back".