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Post-Abortion TTC

Venting 8/16/25

I found out I was pregnant a week ago today. I felt I was and kept telling my bf bc I felt weird. We hadn’t done it much last month maybe like 3 times and I didn’t remember anything happening. He also said nothing happened but we never use protection. Obviously something did. I immediately didn’t want it bc he recently did something shady (he went out to a friends party and was ignoring my phone calls but I found out he was calling another woman came home at almost 5am) and it just made me feel like I can’t trust him again. So I kept telling him I’m pregnant he said you’re not until I took a test confirming it. He immediately said we can go to NC for an abortion. We’re not in a place to have another kid right now. That was hurtful to me bc we’ve been in a relationship for 6 years and have 2 kids and it made me feel like just anybody he accidentally got pregnant. I understand and agree with his logic but it was the delivery I guess. Like I said I also didn’t want to keep it. But I went last Friday. Got the process started. I was only 5 weeks so I could still get one in our state. Took the first pill there and then was sent home with two packets of 4 pills. He took our son to baseball practice at 11 which was the same time I had to take the first set of pills. He got home and hadn’t contacted me the whole 3 hrs he was gone to check on me. He just came home and sat by me and asked if I was hungry bc he was. I said no because I was in such pain which was clear. I had a heating pad on and I know my face told how I felt as well as being in fetal position pretty much. I had a terrible experience. I had the chills so bad I was biting my tongue. It got hard to swallow. I wanted him to maybe come hold me or rub my back. Idk. Something! But he didn’t. I finally said something after I took the second packet of pills because it got even worse. Since then I’ve been crying off and on and I feel a sense of anger toward him. I don’t really know why. I also didn’t want to keep this baby but I still feel guilty. I don’t know what I feel at the same time either because I feel I’m being too critical. I literally don’t know how I feel. Maybe because I’ve never had an abortion. I’m rambling at this point but I just don’t know what’s going on in my head.