Som advice for step moms of teenagers

So I have a step son he is 13, i have been blessed to raise him 11 year with out co parenting. So recently some how he found out I wasn't his birth mom, he has been showing out not only toward me but his younger sister and brother who are my actual birth children, he has been down right ugly I have tried everything to get him on the same page with out being so hateful and having an attitude, which comes with the teenage territory but its getting out of hand he is smacking his little sister pushing them outta his way he has hit me once as well as spit in my face he cusses me all the time and I just dont know what to do anymore I want allow him to be in a room alone with the kids I went as far as putting cameras up in my house I have tried therapy we have spoken with Dr's he is also adhd so any advice would be grateful im at a point I feel its going to break our family up I cant handle it anymore I always want to leave and it makes me feel awful bc I still dont consider my self a step parent I raised him he is mine his mother left him when he was 6m old and thats all there is to it now he has had a chance to reach out to her and try communicating with her but chose not to now im sitting here wishing he would just pack his stuff and go move in with her, I feel awful for saying it but its the truth a human can only take so much. Im 17 weeks pregnant on top of the everything going on so my hormones are out the roof as well.

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He hit you and spit in your face?!?!? That’s not normal teenage behavior. He needs to be in a mental hospital or removed from the home. That puts you, your unborn baby, and your other kids at risk. Violence is unacceptable in my home and absolutely towards me and younger children, especially if they are much younger. I understand brothers fighting especially if they are close in age but hitting you and his sister would ah w landed him in a mental hospital or jail if that happened in my home.

That sounds very hard. Teenage years are really hard on finding their identify out of the parents. And during that super hard moment he find out that everything that he always thought is true is actually not. He is having anger towards you for the lies and I can totally get why. He clearly can't manage well this huge feelings. I would definitely NOT be even thinking abandoning him right now even if it's hard (you said it. You raised him. You are his mom but you lied to him. Even if I m sure you had your reasons). I would have a talk with him nurturing your relationship with him "I know it's been so hard on you to find out I m not your bio mom. I've never felt the need to tell you because I always felt I'm your mom despite the fact I didn't birth you. I love you the same than your siblings. And I get why you are so angry. I lied to you and that was wrong. Is there a way I can make it up to you? - suggesting a special mom/son day with something he likes-" then go to therapy.

That news is very huge to handle for him. Please, nurture your relationship with him instead of stepping back. He needs reassurance and to do so he is pushing you away to see if your love is unconditional (as a mom love is)

Can I ask how dad is handling this on his end or are you the only one who has tried to console him and get him help.
Has he shared how he got the news? Someone had to have said something to him. Have you legally adopted him?
You may not be his biological mother but you are still his mom. Teens are hard years. I’m sorry things have escalated so quickly.
Does he know that some kids don’t get to have parents at all? Most of Those kids were unwanted by both parents not just one and still have no one to love them the way you have. Would he rather be an orphan with no family at all and everything they own they carry around in a garbage bag?
I know it seems a bit extreme but sometimes you have to let them see hard truths. And how lucky he is. Would he rather have no mom at all? Family isn’t about being related by blood it’s about loving and taking care of each other.
I hope things get better ❤️‍🩹

He is understandably angry. All the people he loves and trusts have lied to him about who he fundamentally is, presumably for his whole life. How disorienting! Get him into therapy. Depending on her current circumstances, some time with bio-mom over a school break might be good for him. Or a guys trip with just Dad. Or a sleepaway camp. While it feels good to think you have parented him in all the ways that matter (and you'll hear no arguement from me), try to leave space for him to have his own feelings and opinions about what is important to his identity. It doesn't excuse any violent behavior, but don't expect to just get over this after a certain period of time or to see it the same way you do. When he can see you respect his opinions, even if they are terrible and different from yours, he will stop fighting you so hard. Support him in his growth through this hard time and he'll come back to you stronger than ever. Love to you all. ❤️

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