New single mums / mums struggling/ single mums

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner walked out on us Nov 25’… he reactively left and just took his work clothes and a few bits. He still comes to see our daughter weekly - and we are on speaking co parenting terms even though I have had no closure/ conversations or accountability from him.

Every now and then I would ask about him collecting some stuff - I was always calm and didn’t want to feel like I was forcing him to take stuff. He was either defensive or ignored it (avoidant!). It also felt like ‘have you really left’, it was making the grief harder as it was ambiguous loss.

Skip forward to 3 months later and he has finally taken some more stuff - because I kept asking, but always making it be his choice.

Now I have to move from this house (renting from family and things got complicated - it’s better that I move).

Because of this I then told my ex I was moving so he had to take his stuff, most times he said he has no storage or nowhere to put it, (he’s living in shared accommodation).

Last week he cancelled collecting 3 times. I have said ok I’m moving the end of month so he is now saying he will collect it the DAY BEFORE I officially move out (ridiculous!) … anyways it has been such a drag and he has taken zero responsibility. I felt disrespected but also wondering am I being dramatic? Am I supposed to offer to store it (he knows I live around family and they have storage, his family live abroad) …
But something in me is saying, ‘you left, you had 3 months to sort your stuff, it’s not my problem now’… especially that he has also not offered to help move anything, and just abandoned me, our 2 year old, our dog and the house we lived in for 5 years.

Normally my instinct would be to offer and be helpful, but ok trying to have more self respect and not be taken for granted - just not sure if I’m being guarded. What would you have done? What do you make of this situation?

Read more on Peanut

The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.

Learn more about our guidelines.

Add a comment

I’d just give it to the charity shop or in the tip 🙃 you’ve given him enough chances you’ve told him you have to move and it’s his stuff and his responsibility.
I hate men😪

Giving someone a time frame is a Laura useful. A boundary is when you say what you will DO if it’s not met. So “I am giving you this week to collect your stuff, if you choose not to collect your stuff I will throw it away/give to charity”
Note how I wrote “you choose”- we all get a choice and the consequences follow. Hope that helps for next time xx

Always * not Laura

I kept my ex’s things in storage that I paid for, for over 2 years!!! I told him I had it in storage- he never asked about it and that was 5 years ago when I finally just stopped paying the storage fee. And don’t gaslight yourself- you are not being dramatic. Don’t worry about his stuff. If he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it. Oh well. You ain’t his mom. Just leave it where it is and don’t even care. Cuz clearly he doesn’t.

I’m like you always trying to do the nice thing. However slowly learning that it’s not a me problem it’s a you problem.

I would suggest saying like someone said above I need it collecting by *certain date* if it isn’t I will be giving it away. You’ve been kind enough to store for this long. Time to stop letting these men walk all over us 😅

Definitely be clear that if he doesn’t collect it’s going in the bin. I had an ex leave his entire belongings in my house for 4 years before he collected it. Why I let it go on that long is beyond me.

Nobody might even see this update… but omg I’m just so angry…

Tomorrow is my last day to move - the day he said he’s planning to come and take the day off work.

Skip to this evening at handover with our daughter, he tells me he’s coming tomorrow and will just be breaking up all the furniture to take to the skip, ‘unless you want it’.

I said well you didn’t ask me before so I’ll take some bits then.

This makes me so sad and angry that he’s throwing away furniture, he could have done on FB marketplace or even asked me to help with selling etc weeks ago.

I feel like by saying he’s breaking it up actually makes me feel like it’s my fault yet again. Aggggghhhh I can’t believe this - he unfortunatly keeps showing me his lack of capacity.

Update 🫠

So he came the morning he had taken the day off… spends 40 minutes then has to go to work for a meeting and says he will be back. Takes the ONLY back door key… does not return even though he text to say sorry he got called away but will be back later. Still did not return that day. The last day for me to move and still he doesn’t take responsibility.

I remained calm and text to say bring the key tomorrow. So he arrives today with the key and says nothing. I was fuming 😡…

So I told him I would have appreciated if he brought back the key to make my move easier (access in and out between house and Garage), and that it was my last day for moving and he knew that but didn’t move his stuff… I got a plain - sorry.

I said sorry is not good enough and walked away.

He had our daughter for the day so that evening he came to move his stuff (still not all, I will take the rest)
He continued saying ‘he’s got nowhere to put it so will go the skip’. I am left feeling guilty still and sad

Why am I so upset and wondering that now it’s really over and there’s no room left for reconciliation… I feel like I have been the cold mean one but I have been asking him to move his stuff for 6 weeks now 😭

in our community

NHS job

Anyone work for the NHS and does 12 hour shifts? How do you work around childcare and your partners job?

He has no respect for anything to do with me.

Husband and I decided to separate 3 days ago. I've been sleeping on the floor in the kids room, and we both have to stay in the same apartment for a while. He wont stop pushing little things and I am reaching my limit. Photos in comments

Toddlers

How often are your toddlers asking for food? My oldest who is 3 just finished a whole plate of food and not even 10 minutes later he’s requesting more food. I know he’s going through a growth spurt, but how do you respond to this.

Is this normal?

Is it just my husband that does this? He is able to work from home via his computer and in the mornings and evenings he is on there doing his job. When he is done for the day he tends to stay in the room and either play video games or watch something. He will occasionally come out and play with the girls for a few minutes and that’s it but when I really need him he says he is busy. My daughters are both 1 year old now and I am just wondering how much involvement should he have with them now?
Idk if this is the norm or not…..

Identity crisis?

Am I the only sahm who feels like they have lost their identity??? I don’t make money for my family, when I used to make great money. But I refuse to drop my under a year old baby off with strangers.
My husband works so much. But I have no control over bringing in money and I’m a control freak type of person! I feel l like I’m losing my grip because we are kind of broke, but day care would only eat up my income anyways! So what’s the point. I’m a workaholic and now I’m just a twitching bum.
I wish I could work from home but so far that’s a fake dream. I’m almost 9 months pp, and I just need to know these awful mood swings and depression will end soon! Send wine!

Saying NO to buying toys etc

5 year old is getting really envious of others. He is obsessed with items that other kids have at school. I am pestered daily to buy these things in a different style when we already have 3 others. I have seen parents just buying stuff their kid likes which I don't necessarily agree with even when i can afford it. How do you deal with it?