Grandparents Expectations vs reality
Hey everyone just looking for some advice or just knowing that I’m not alone in this? Before I start I just want to say I know I should feel grateful that I even have grandparents for my child and have parents that want to come round and see my child at all but we can’t help our feelings I guess. Basically my mum especially made out before my child was born that she would like to look after him often and would want him to sleep over ect. I had to explain to her that I wouldn’t want to be away from him for a while and she was disappointed. Then he was born and it got to about 9 months PP that I started to feel ready to have a bit of time without him however when I would ask her to take him she would come up with excuses and it was obvious to me she didn’t want him by herself. She comes round a lot to see us however I am always there so I feel I don’t get a break, I just spend the time feeling resentful and thinking of the ways the time could be better spent if she made me feel like I could go off and get some stuff done or have time by myself. Now he’s 17 months old and no one has had him for more than a few hours apart from nursery. No overnights even though I would love that. I try to speak to her about it but never really get anywhere so I’m really just looking for advice on if anyone else has been in this situation and how they managed to deal with the expectations they had. I just seem to be stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling resentful.
I’m thinking maybe I need to actually see my mum less as this seems to be the trigger to wishing it was different and go and see my friends more or have days out with just me and my LO. Instead she comes around a lot and I just scrap around for bits of time where I can get stuff done and then feel resentful when it doesn’t work out. If anyone has read this thank you and please be kind 🥹
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Can you just speak openly to her about it? As in ask her directly if she’ll take your LO for a full afternoon by herself?
If she won’t then you should definitely try and see more friends and do stuff for you and LO, if you’re feeling trapped then you have to make a change
We don't really have any help of my daughter's grandparents. She only has my mum who lives abroad and my father in law who also lives abroad but stays in the UK for a bit every now and then. I have visited my mum twice with my daughter, first time for 2 weeks, second time for a week. She always makes up problems, that Klara is too young for her, that her apartment turns into a mess when we visit, she criticises every parental choice I make. Despite of that, the second time I visited she returned to the UK with me for 3 weeks and I felt exaclty how you do. It didnt feel like much of help cause she didnt massively help with chores, she cooked something and did dishes and its about that. She never stayed with my daughter alone in the house. What I found the hardest, was that on the top of everything I normally had to do, I had to take her out and find a way to entertain cause she wouldn't leave the house alone. It was absolutely draining. Her grandpa doesnt have much of relationship with her.
We did however have some help of her auntie who took her a few times over Christmas etc so we could go to work. And she had her once so we could clean the house. I really wanted her to have our daughter again so me and my husband can have a break or catch up on chores, but she keeps getting ill and I would feel too guilty letting her go. I personally try to accept the fact that we are parents and there is no days off, and if we happen to have one, thats great. I also lowered my expectations when it comes to cleanliness of my house and try to rest when I can.
I think if she’s skirting round the question, I would be really direct. Give her a few weeks notice and say I’m wanting to do xyz on x date, can you have toddler from x time to x time.
Then she knows exactly what she’s singing up for in terms of dates, timings etc. and it’s either a yes or a no from her.
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