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Baby Daddy Drama

Help

I’ll give some history before I ask for advice or before I sound unreasonable, but me and my son’s dad have known each other for six years. We have a five-year-old together and under one year-old which is where it gets complicated.

For years, I’d say about three years when I was pregnant and up until when my son was three years old he wasn’t a nice partner. He had a severe drug problem and for two years of that we was actually together but he lived here but he still expected sexual things. Nothing like forcing me or anything like that but people would say it was like we were together we weren’t in this time. We wasn’t really speaking to anyone else we just live together mostly I was afraid every time I brought it up he’d get nasty and not very nice company when I mentioned about him leaving anyway he got so bad to the point where there was no good days with him for quite awhile so I just said you have to go. I can’t do this anymore anyway in a time that he was gone. Something really bad happened in my life with someone that I was with and he sort of came back in that time because of what happened at this point he wasn’t on drugs and he was sober anyway he thinks it worked with me and him and having the second child was an accident we did use protection but obviously didn’t work. I’m stuck a little bit here because he’s not abusive anymore and someone could say he’s the perfect guy he pays for everything pretty much he’s working now because before he was doing drugs and not working, he’s being more present but it’s hard for me because there feels like there’s no connection there anymore. I lost that connection years ago when he was emotionally abusing me controlling me, manipulating me, lying to me, his anger and being a crappy father.

I feel like I’ve forgiven him for what he’s done, but I can’t have that connection with him again. I don’t have the urge to kiss him. I don’t have the urge for sex and I know it’s not all about sex but it’s more the connection for me, I’m now put in a predicament here . Because before it was an easy choice because of how he was treating me and I done it for my son but now it’s not an easy shit decision because he’s not abusive anymore but the connection is not there as it would be for a partner but I don’t wanna end what’s going on here telling him to leave because I think about my two children not having a mum and dad under the same roof it makes me feel like I’m to blame. I should just stay but when I think about staying sometimes I feel happy and like I could but I wouldn’t truly be happy. I will just be dealing with it for my children if that makes sense and when I was pregnant with my daughter the five month old he relapsed when I was having an awful pregnancy and he lied about smoking cigarettes and sometimes I feel like our communication skills aren’t good together, tbh I also worry if he leaves, the co parenting relationship will be hard and my kids will blame me!

I was just wondering if anyone else was in this situation?