Should I divorce him
My husband and I separated over the holidays. We have a 2yo and a 9 month old. At the time, our fights were constant and escalating and they felt inappropriate in front of the kids. Away from the kids, I had slapped my husband in the middle of the night over him saying I “was trying to kill his kids” because I let our toddler drink milk when he was desperately thirsty and had a stomach bug, which led to more puking. I was 4 months pp and that sent me full of rage. Separately, I was frustrated when I went back to work that he still let all house chores and parenting fall to me. He was still on leave. In that convo, he said he wanted to wring me by the neck. He also ended up slamming his head against a wall and having a full mental breakdown in front of our kids that had them both in tears. That night, I took the kids out of the home. The next day I asked for a separation.
We separated, seeked therapy, and ultimately got back together. I still think it was the best thing for my children to keep them away from a hostile environment and a good thing for my marriage.
Meanwhile, in therapy, our therapist was supportive of my frustrations about paying most of the bills, doing most of the housework, and doing most of the parenting. I was starting to call my husband “useless” and a “loser”… not to be proud of, but want to be honest here. He agreed to set boundaries with his mom who constantly interferes in our marriage. We had so many issues. I can’t list them all here. But ultimately, we stuck together.
Today, I went through his phone for the first time. Idk why. But I found the messages he was sending to friends and family during that time. He was saying he feels bad for me because I am diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which is false, I have no such diagnosis) and that I’m controlling and manipulative, materialistic and that he could care less if divorced. He essentially was on a smear campaign against me during our separation while I was trying my best to do the right thing for our kids.
Tonight, we got in a huge fight about this. I also found out tonight he told his parents and family I am abusive among other things and keeps defending this all because he was hurt. So he’s claiming I’m emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and I saw in texts he was planning to try for full custody. I have lost my temper once on this man, in the middle of night, with a sick kid, and 4 months pp and heavily sleep deprived. Him? Never done a night shift in his life.
Sorry, but maybe all of this does make you a loser. Idk how to move forward in my small town where my own husband had such a strong campaign against me and doesn’t seem to be sorry for it even now. I feel like he hates me. If he really considers accountability and wanting basic parternship abusive then what are we even doing here. I feel like he so deeply violated my privacy and our marriage by airing all of dirty laundry to half a dozen people AND some of it being false to make me look worse. I already wanted a divorce then but stayed for my kids. Now just when things seemed better, all of this came out
What do I do? What would you do?
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Please take a breather, this is so heavy and I am truly sorry this is your experience. Because of the many layers on your story, including children's custody at stake, I would consult an experienced lawyer. I would also start reading/planning stages for what reconciliation and divorce would look like. Bring this to therapy, bring this to a lawyer. Divorce with a man like that will get ugly and children will get put in the middle and suffer.
That is heavy. In my opinion, if all that you found was said before therapy, before you guys made progress and there’s still part of you that wants to make it work, not just for the kids, but also you, and he is actually following through on everything agreed in therapy then there’s potential. But what I would definitely do, tell him how much hearing those things hurt you and ask if he could come clean. Admit to them that he lied because he was upset and panicked. That shouldn’t be hard. If he isn’t willing to do that for you, or if he says any form of “I didn’t lie, that’s actually how I view you” then yes, divorce him. You don’t deserve to diminish yourself like that or be around people who do.
Remind yourself, sometimes it’s better the kids grow with two happy homes than one toxic one.
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