Feeling really disconnected from my husband…
We have a 3 year old son. When our son was a newborn my husband prioritized my MILS feelings (was afraid to be honest with her and hurt her feelings). I was recovering from a C section and she was at our house uninvited when we brought our son home. He knew she was there but didn’t call her and tell her to leave. She knew I didn’t want her there when I brought the baby home.
We invited my MIL to meet the baby in the hospital- she did. The only thing that went wrong was she told us she didn’t like the name we chose for him. Also told me not to feed our baby formula because “it’s poison”. My MIL has always been bossy- controlling, uses a lot of guilt and shame to control things. She’s tried to control how we manage finances, where we live, and now how we raise our son.
Basically since my husband didn’t prioritize my feelings as the new mother - and didn’t put us first- I’ve felt unattracted to him. I view my husband like a he’s man child. He has finally realized how difficult his mother can be. But I just have felt so unsupported by my husband and part of me just wants to get away from him. I want our relationship to work but the connection and attraction seems to have vanished. I have a fantasy of meeting a man that’s mature, emotionally intelligent, that I feel taken care of. Just venting and advice welcomed…
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I have nothing helpful to say, but that all makes sense. I feel you. I get where you are and why you feel that way. And I’m sorry you’re there.
Hey, it’s Megan. First, I just want to say keep being strong and don’t let your mother-in-law walk all over you. When you and your husband took those vows, it was through thick and thin. Right now, it’s getting thin, but you have full control. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your baby! You’re Mama Bear, and you protect your little one from any negativity, even your mother-in-law. If you’re feeling unsupported by your husband, maybe you need to lay it all out and be honest. Marriage counseling might really help, it’s often that final step when things are this tough. You’ve got to put your foot down, and don’t worry about hurting feelings. You’re a grown woman, so stand up. And if you do counseling, I’d start going by myself first. Everything will be okay.
It's better to set boundaries with ur MIL (even if it may come across as aggressive/offensive for her) than to have her impact your marriage and role as mother. Tell her, "I understand you are trying to help, and you have experience with motherhood, but this is my turn and my child, and I would appreciate it if you can respect that boundary. I will reach out to you for help when I need it."
As for ur husband, I think it is a normal part of marriage to lose interest, esp during trying times and when resentment builds. Take a deep breath and take a moment to remember who you fell in love with. Then talk to him, tell him how you feel (not about what he's done), and tell him a couple of things u would like for him to do to make things easier. Sometimes, men need to be given explicit, actionable steps, rather than just an outpouring of emotions.
And find time to go on a date with him. Have ur MIL deal with your toddler's tantrums for several hours, and go do something 100% about you and your hubby.
Good luck.
I don't blame you. Only thing I can add is that it's normal for attraction to wane, with and without clear reasons. Marriage is the commitment to ride those waves - but I am not saying you have to. I feel seriously sorry he's put you through that. He has a tough journey ahead to detach from his mother and process a lot of trauma that came from being raised by her
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