It takes my toddler over an hour to fall asleep for nap and bedtime. What the fuck am I doing wrong

Does he get screen time? Does he have a structured way to burn energy? “Heavy work” and proprioceptive input can help calm some kids.

How old specifically? What are his wake up time and nap times?

Regarding screen time it's not very predictable but for the most part if he asks for it after daycare I will give him a little bit while I'm trying to prep dinner it is kind of a lifesaver or I will have a show play on audio only and not the screen and that sometimes comforts him where he can multitask and flip through a book or do a mindless activity while listening to his show. And definitely Friday nights is traditionally movies and popcorn. So the pattern for screen time has been a few times or last during the weekdays before dinner if I'm totally exhausted and definitely some on Friday nights and the weekends but I'm always trying to watch with him. I'm a single mom so it does allow me to get some stuff done and take a breather if I need to

That sounds so exhausting, honestly, no wonder you’re starting to worry. It’s really clear you’re putting a lot of effort in to help him settle. From what you’ve said though, this doesn’t necessarily sound like a mental health issue. Some kids just have really busy little brains, especially at night, and when they’re overtired it can actually make them more wired instead of calm.
The fact he sleeps really well once he’s out (12+ hours!) is actually a great sign. It sounds more like he struggles to switch off, not stay asleep. And all the calming stuff you’re doing, stories, wind-down time, that is the right thing! You’re not messing this up at all, even if it feels like nothing’s working.
Sometimes kids like this just need a slightly different angle, like giving their brain something quiet to focus on (we ask my nephew to tell himself a story in his head, an audiobook, soft music), keeping bedtime the same but not too forced, if they know they need to sleep they can find it harder!

Maybe kids melatonin if your ok with it

This sounds exhausting! Our son is 15 months and takes 45min-1.5 hrs to fall to sleep. I asked my friends and their kids around the same age are the same, so I thought this was normal. He doesnt self-settle at all. Alone, he screams. How long are other kids taking??

Maybe some magnesium

Do you have a schedule/routine you stick to throughout the day or at night?

Same here always been the same and he’s up for boob about 3 times a night too 🫣

Have you tried maybe doing less? My son wasn’t settling with me in the room he likes his own time to decompress. So I get him ready for bed one story then leave the room with a small night light he spends about 30-40 minutes playing then goes to sleep himself it took about a week for him to get used to it but that’s his new routine now. I go in about an hour later and switch off the light.

Sometimes we have to do some running around the house and dancing and fun ‘wrestling’ instead of calm time to have his high up energy go cuckoo and then listening to a story or cd helps him then fall asleep or chill luing down at least! It takes lots of times, you will be ok Mama ♥️

Heavy work is (too my understanding) using big muscle groups in a structured way. For example, my newly turned 1 year old does his own little circuits before bed of crawling up the dog stairs at the foot of the bed, going to the head of the bed and down the other side, then repeating. It’s structured instead of just excited chaotic movement like free play at a park. Proprioception based stuff is like flipping your kids upside down. These can greatly help a child feel regulated through sensory input. I’m not an expert in it, but I’ve seen it recommended by experts. My son settles to sleep much easier with sensory input like this before sleep.