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First time mums

Struggling😔

I’m a mom to 4, married and my marriage hasn’t always been perfect. My husband cheated multiple times with multiple women before we were married but before and after we had our first child. He’s been great since that but we’ve been going through a roughhhh patch and I’m struggling with something and I have no idea how to get out of it. I’m in this stage where I want to be happy so so bad but I can’t be. I find moments where I can talk myself into “being strong” and finding the good in stuff but I’m so down most of the time. My youngest is 6months old and everything is still going back to normal I guess so I know it’s some postpartum stuff probably but idk what exactly. I need advice that’s realistic for my life. I have family but no one I trust with my kids for more than maybe an hour and I can’t go far or I get nervous they’ll be in danger. I have one friend that I sort of can trust to talk to but not about this deep of stuff idk. My husband is a great dad but he’s gone all the time for work and when he is home he’s stressing about the house being a mess or something else that needs to be done outside on our property. He gives me small breaks some days to shower if I haven’t or takes the big kids to the dump with him stuff like that but most times I do most everything with/ for the kids(which I’m happy to do). But I’m so burnt out and just exhausted, my baby doesn’t sleep unless she’s touching me and if I put her down she wakes up every 10-15min. My husband wants to have sex all the time and normally I’m on the same level but since having baby my sex drive is basically fully gone, it’s super rare I can even get myself to be in the mood for him. I feel so alone and sad a lot of the time because I get so overwhelmed and stressed by everything on my plate and my husband doesn’t listen or seem to care about my struggles at all. I mention things and he kinda just pushes past them. Idk maybe he cares but just sucks at showing it. He so defensive whenever things bother me that he does like not helping with the kids or chores. But I’m constantly also stressed he’s gonna be upset and moody because chores aren’t done or he’ll find something I didn’t do good enough for the kids and make a comment about it. We went grocery shopping and I had a list but forgot a couple things and yes I do forget things a lot but I don’t try to, and he said “we were going shopping you think you’d have a list ready” and it’s a small comment but it’s constant little comments like that about everything and it just piles on top of my “down” feeling. He does tell me he loves me everyday multiple times and will sometimes come home with a favorite snack of mine or random things I like and will never raise his voice at me or anything crazy but he just doesn’t check in on me or really act like he cares ya know. He tries to feel me up and have sex a lot but just genuinely loving on me or kissing and hugging on me or words of encouragement, nothing! And I’ve told him so many times why his behaviors/comments hurt and what I need to feel like he cares and to feel loved by him is the loving on me without trying to have sex with me and to take interest in how I’m really doing mentally raising our 4 children majority of the time alone. Just never happens. I just feel like I’m complaining when I’m a SAHM and can literally probably have anything I ask for he never tells me no really but I just can’t understand how someone could love someone and not really care to even ask what he could do to help me mentally. When I am pregnant he never shows any empathy or compassion for how tired and how much pain I’m in it’s just like a regular time not helping extra around the house or any acknowledgment that I’m trying so much harder just to get through the days nothing, just doesn’t care to understand the toll it’s taking on me. When I had our newest baby he was gone for her whole first week of life most of the day helping his family and it was very important stuff but also it hurt so much that he couldn’t be there when I needed him most and after the first couple days I had my sister who is basically the only person I trust with my kids, and my mom and grandmother were here the whole time but I can’t trust them so they were just there to see the baby not support me the way I needed from my husband. I just think that really hurt me so bad that I can’t get past it maybe and it’s why I have so much ick and resentment towards him and that’s why I get so down and turned off? Idk. He doesn’t understand any of it and just gets defensive whenever I say anything to him or says I’m mean and he’s right I am I get so easily aggravated and irritated by everything I’m constantly on edge with everything and I go to bed crying most nights because of having short patience with my kids because of the overwhelming stress of all of this in one. I need help but idk how or what. I just don’t even know what’s wrong with me. My husband and I were both raised to suck it up and keep going but he’s so much better at it than me and I just feel so badddd most of the time and idk what to do 😭 I contemplate leaving him so much. I just feel so hurt by him so much but he’s also a good man and I know it could be worse…
If anyone actually reads this whole thing, thank you for listening I just feel broken😩🙏🏼