i just need to vent..

this is such a long story. when my daughter was two months old.. her father began cheating on me. she’s 7 months old now.

our living situation became unstable.. we began struggling financially.. and add postpartum hormones (maybe even postpartum anxiety or ppd).. he distanced himself from me. the first time he physically cheated on me.. we tried working things out. we went to couples therapy and everything. he said he would never cheat on me again.. but he did. literally a week after we moved into our new apartment. i was devastated. i had to pack up everything and move again. he said i could stay as long as i needed.. but why would i when he claimed he was in a relationship with someone else? i know he probably just wanted help with rent. so anyway.. i left. and then his life began to fall apart. apparently there was a warrant out for his arrest due to a violation of probation. after learning more about why he was arrested.. turns out that warrant was from 2 years ago. we were together during that time.. so i know exactly what happened. he didn’t do anything wrong.. but for some reason.. he got arrested for it recently. mind you.. we haven’t even been broken up for a month.. and so that means all this time.. he was being compliant with meeting his probation officer. only with meeting him. because during all this time.. he was also lying about a few things that further violated the terms of his probation. so now.. because of that.. he is on house arrest and lost everything he had. our apartment? well his now.. he’s going to lose that too. and now.. he is facing jail time. about a week before all of this happened.. he said he wanted to talk to me.. but i refused and blocked him on his backup phone. his main phone was already blocked. after he got out from jail earlier this week.. he called me from the p.o. office saying that he needed me to meet him at the apartment due to an emergency. so i went. i thought his p.o. wanted to talk to me tbh. he hadn’t seen our daughter for a few weeks so i brought her. he then began to tell me that he made a mistake and he apologizes for what he did to me. he said he wants his family back. all in a matter of a few days. mind you.. he doesn’t know this.. but his probation officer had called me telling me he got arrested before he even had the police call me to bail him out. that night.. his “girlfriend” filed a missing person report. the next day.. his p.o. called me asking me what that was about because i had told him that we’re no longer together a few weeks before all this happened. so now.. he’s denying that he has a girlfriend saying that it was a fling and he is practically begging for me to “come back home”. my guess is that he really has no way of contacting her because he probably doesn’t know her number by heart and he no longer has a phone.

but anyway.. no. i’m not going “back home”. i literally dealt with so much stress.. sadness.. anger.. and more because of his actions. i have no resources or energy to help him. i made the mistake of telling him i still love him. and now.. all he asks is that i be there for him. because we both know that he is going back to jail…

its just a matter of time.

if he goes back.. he may be facing 5 years. i can’t trust that he will change. he already promised me before that he will never cheat on me again. i can’t put my love life on hold for 5 years for a man who may not even change.

i am in therapy. trying to pick up my pieces for myself and my daughter. everything used to be so good between him and i. after i had my daughter.. everything changed. i hate this so much.

in our community

Mixed feelings

Hi, I guess I just need a place to vent and someone to listen.

My daughter is about to turn 1, and I am feeling a whole bunch of different emotions. I feel regret because for most of her first year, I was sad most of the time because I was dealing with so much loss, suffering and pain in my own life that I feel I missed out on being fully present. At the same time, I know I did the best that I could while also carrying so much alone. I have been alone during my pregnancy and motherhood. Lots of people say they are alone too, but always have a best friend or a mother present. I have been alone, entirely, on my own, without 1 person. My family traumatised me, my friends betrayed me, and I was left to deal with pregnancy, birth, and motherhood alone. I love my daughter with every fibre of my being but somehow still struggle with being patient, kind and loving at times. A part of me is resentful because I sometimes wish I never had a child, but I know that is only because I am doing it alone. If I had people around me, if I had support, if I had love, if I had someone pouring into me the way I constantly pour into her, I feel I would be a much more grateful and joyful mother. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a bad mother and I don’t treat her badly. I just lose my temper sometimes, or don’t have the patience to slow down sometimes. I feel so much guilt and sadness when these moments or sometimes days happen. Sometimes I treat her like I don’t want her around, but that isn’t true: it’s me who is carrying pain and who is hurt about where my life is. She deserves pure love and nothing less. I am just so tired of life. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of not having support or love in my life. I’m tired of living in a tiny studio apartment and feeling like I’m not a good enough mother for not being able to provide a bigger home for her. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of trying to meet new people and then always ending up not being able to connect with them because of toxic or unhealthy behaviour that I refuse to tolerate. I’m tired of life feeling like an uphill battle. I’m tired of feeling like I am of less value because I have a child and cannot do the things that I want to do. I’m tired of feeling like God has left and forgotten me. I don’t want to be here anymore, and yet I can’t give up on my daughter because I’m all she has and I refuse to abandon her the way I was abandoned by mine. I’m just so tired.

Thank you for listening.

Needing a mommy friend!

Hey girls! I'm needing to make more mommy friends. I just have no social life and I'm tired of being alone🤣

Please don't hesitate to reach out! 💕

Return to work

Any fellow Teacher assistants out there that have returned to work in July time ?
We only get paid for 39 weeks of the year and it obviously gets spread out over the 12 month period. I will be due to go on Mat leave start of November. If I go back at the end of July possibly just the last week will I still then get pay as per contract for August as normal or will I only get paid the hours I worked ?
Because currently my SMP would end mid August so would then have no pay until the end of September after my return if I don’t go back until the September 🤦🏼‍♀️

Huckleberry app

Does anyone use the Huckleberry app? I’d heard about it in some groups but I didn’t want to get obsessed with tracking and thought it would take too much time etc though when little one was born I did have to track all nappies for the first few weeks.

Anyway for various reasons I need to track feeds and nappies etc and I’m really surprised at how much I am feeding! I spent 6 hours breastfeeding. 6 hours!

Anyone else not feeling like being intimate?

I'm 6 weeks PP and I have no desire to be intimate. I tried to explain to my husband that my body hasn't been mine for almost a year now with growing a human. Not to mention giving birth, recovering and bleeding off and on for 6 weeks, and to top it off I'm exclusively pumping so I feel like a cow 4 hours of the day. All he heard was "so don't touch you. Great."
Anyone else feel this way right now?

Friends?

Where are the women that actually want to connect with other moms and become friends? It feels like a never ending cycle of my time getting wasted responding to people that can’t respond back.