Out of wedlock kids

Am I the only one that feels some type of way about giving my kids my partners last name out of wedlock? I’m pretty traditional as far as needing to be married to make a last name my partners. I just don’t feel right about not sharing a last name with my partner and then my children having his last name without marriage. My first son has my last name, my partner wasn’t happy about it when it happened and now I’m more than halfway pregnant with my second baby and I plan on giving her my last name as well. A part of me does feel bad because I feel like it is unfair to him, but also a part of me doesn’t sit right with knowing me and him don’t share a last name to begin with. I feel like he’ll be upset this time around as well but I’ve already expressed it multiple times that until there’s marriage I just don’t feel comfortable with my children having his last name when I don’t even have it. I don’t even feel right about having two kids with a man and not having his last name. Anyways a part of me feels like he just doesn’t even wanna marry me and that’s a big reason as to why I wouldn’t give them his last name to begin with. I just don’t feel hopeful about it being in the future or in the cards for us. I just feel like it’s not something that’s that important to him and it’s very important to me and we just don’t see eye to eye with marriage. We’ve only been together four years, anytime he has talked about it. It’s like a future future thing. I’m expressed that it doesn’t have to be anything expensive it’s just the principle in my beliefs that would make me feel more secure and loved. I know a lot of people might disagree and they do it for their partner anyways but for future reference, I just don’t wanna have to deal with any of my children having his last name when I don’t have his last name and anything could happen in the future as far as splitting up, and I’m not trying to deal with my children having his last name when they are children out of wedlock to begin with. I’m not an extremely religious person or anything, but my traditional beliefs as far as marriage are pretty stern and I just see myself being a woman that is married with children so I already having two children and not being married kind of feels like I failed in a sense. It’s starting to become a dealbreaker for me. I know I probably sound a little impatient, but two kids in 2 years happened really quickly and I feel like that’s much more of a commitment than marriage is. I’m not an extravagant woman that needs a $2000 ring or a big wedding or anything. It’s just a principle of the last name that changes a lot of things for me.

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A part of me wants to give her his last name just so it is fair, but there’s another internal sense in me telling me it makes no sense to be stern with the first one and then give in with the second one. My beliefs are my beliefs and I really don’t wanna have to break them to be fair. I know they are our children, but I carried them and I feel like the least is giving the woman you share the children with your last name so that you all can share the last name. I just don’t wanna be that woman that has a child with my last name and one with his. I honestly don’t even want my children to have my last name because I don’t even want my last name. But if I’m a woman that isn’t married, that carried and birth the children it only makes sense. When you share children with someone you expect to share everything in a sense with your partner, specifically a last name it just makes the family tied. I think children seeing that you all are one big family that share that is such a huge deal.

I get it! my husband and I are married, but we’re both the “last” of our families, so we’re hyphenating & combing our last names so the kids will have both

Are you going to change your kids’ last names if you do get married at some point? Whether you guys are married or not, those are still his kids. It kind of sounds like you’re punishing him for not marrying you yet. Which you were aware of before you had the children. If he’s consistently in your kids life, I feel like they should have their dad’s last name. Like if you guys split up at some point, do you feel he will be in their lives?

You’ve said part of you feels like he doesn’t actually want marriage and that you’re not feeling hopeful. Why don’t you have a clear, definitive answer from him on this? You’ve been together four years and already have two children, so what exactly is he waiting for? If marriage is something you know you want and it’s important to you, I think it’s completely fair to ask him for a final, honest answer.

Regarding the last names, my personal opinion is that your marital status with their father doesn’t really have anything to do with it. They are his children too, and you’ve both chosen to have children out of wedlock. At the very least, they could have a double barrelled surname. You carried them, married or not, so that point feels a bit irrelevant to me.

I felt this way. For a period of time. Then I knew we were going to get married. Eventually. Our older kids got his last name before I did. They were born in 2021 and 2023. Then on our wedding day (2025), I was 12 weeks pregnant with our 3rd.

The older kids have my maiden name on their birth certificates. Our 2 month olds has my married name on the birth certificate. Now their birth certificates don’t match. And I know our 3rd is ours. But it’s that last little piece of me. Especially for the last baby.

I told my partner my child can have his last name when I do

I would feel the same way!

You don’t need anyone to validate you on this opinion either. Your kids, your feelings, your rules!

I always made it clear to my husband that the kids would have my last name. I decided to change my name when married but either way, they would have had mine.

I was 18 when I had my 1st born, I gave him his dads lastname because I knew he would be present and involved. I wasn't certain if we were getting married or not back then but by the time our son was 3 we got married so, we all have the same name now anyways. 😄 my dad tried to talk me out of giving him his last name but I thought that wss silly cause he is the father and why should I take that from him if he's present? Anyways, 12 years and soon to be 4 kids later we're still going strong. 😅 Everyone's stories are different though so do what feels best in your current situation.

in our community

Should I say something to this so called “friend”?

So I met this mom on here and it’s been about a year and a half. I’m 32, she’s 37 so little age difference plus, she’s in the middle of divorce and I’m a single mom… little backstory. Her kids are a year or two younger than mine but we all hang out and we all have fun. It’s been a while since we hung out, so last weekend we planned I will go pick her up because she doesn’t have her car right now due to an accident, and we would just go to the park with the kids. The morning of we text good morning, she’s having a good morning, I’m having a good morning and then our plans were set for 4pm so around the 12pm I texted her for her address to navigate my stops to get the snacks, her and get to the park. She responded 45 minutes later saying “ please don’t kill me, but I’m in a good cleaning groove so let’s reschedule.” I never responded. I was actually annoyed because you’re telling me that when I’ve been planning my whole day around our day…. And over cleaning? So now it’s been a week I haven’t heard from her. Should I just delete her? Should I say something? It is not fair for her to have access to me when she wants it and wants to vent but when it’s time to execute plans, she never participates and I don’t think that’s a good friend. When it’s time for her to vent, she will send me a book to read in our text messages and I read it all and I listen and I gave her the time but nothing is ever reciprocated..

Am I the crazy one

So my husband emotionally cheated (sexted a friend of his who is a girl and it went on for just over a month)I found out about it and confronted him. He admitted it, apologized, and said he’d work to earn my trust back. Well last night I found out he was talking to an old ex of his from years ago and called her beautiful and asked why she hadnt become a model and said he must have a thing for nurses (she was a nurse and I’m a new nurse). I told him it bothered me that he called her beautiful. He says he’s doing nothing wrong. He’s also asked another female friend why he was only in the friend zone with her.

He told me I need to talk to someone about MY insecurities.

I told him I just don’t understand why he needs to text these women and have these types of conversation conversations with them. I told him if he just simply talked to them it would be one thing. I told him I was fine until I found out about the sexting. I also told him he said he’d work at earning my trust back but how am I supposed to trust him when he’s texting multiple women calling them beautiful.

We had mentioned getting divorced, but I told him I would rather try and work through our problems then have to put our kids through that. He said he was up for talking to a marriage counselor so I am working on that now, but haven’t been able to do anything about it for the last month because we lost our health insurance for a month because he switched jobs.

He also doesn’t like me talking to one of my guy friends who I dated like 12 years ago. Mind you my conversations contain nothing about “friend zone” or sexting because EWW and if I don’t want to be with someone I have the moral compass to leave them and not cheat. I haven’t talked to the friend/ex in over a month since he said he doesn’t like me talking to him as I’m trying to respect my husband.

I feel some days like I’m in a losing battle but other days I’m okay. I’m sure a lot of responses will say leave him but like I said I am trying my best to be an adult and work through the problem if it’s workable than have my children live in two different homes and have to go back-and-forth because they are very young.

Rawr!!

daycares attendance rates should be part of advertising/new prospect transparency material and there should be some accountability with daycare associated illnesses and absences

between getting sick (from daycare mind u), getting sent home, and needing to call out sick, our child has already missed at leassst 12 calendar business days of daycare already this year alone. if we include pto we took to go see family for his first birthday, he has been out a total of about 17 calendar days.

there have been “stomach bugs”, hand foot mouth disease, a slew of other upper respiratory infections and even a lice exposure risk event that has been getting us down and out on an almost biweekly to monthly basis since the start of winter and while i know we are kind of “in that season” this is starting to feel a bit toooo unfair that daycares do not prorate or refund or anything at all when our children are getting sick from germs spread in their facility … i see them trying to stay clean, trying to sanitize everything, etc and i do appreciate what they do for our kid when hes in attendance but still we are finding ourselves paying for him to stay home with us a bit too often for the amount it costs to have him enrolled.

we do not have anyone close near able bodied to help so its extra tough when the three of us are all sick altogether but still needing to work in office jobs that we clearly cannot make it to because we just paid a bunch of money to a daycare to infect him with lord knows how many communicable diseases for us to keep him home with us anyway. 😤 and before it comes up, no we cannot NOT work. its not an option because we are supporting our elderly parents who are old and unwell too.

im feeling a bit extra upset about this topic today being on my period and simultaneously being sick with one of the daycare germs we got hit with this week … its rough out here, sending love and prayers to other mamas and papas going through it with us 🫩

Do you feel you need a break from your kids?

Life is stressful but my kids I absolutely love spending every minute with. It’s everything else I need a break from (mostly my ex).

Obviously they are only 1&2 I’m sure by the time they are teens and back chatting I will be grateful for a break 😅.

My ex and his family always seem to make the comments. Example I felt pressured to put my 2 year old in nursery so she started last week for 2 mornings and although I know it will do her so much good and she has loved it. However it’s not a break for me. My ex’s mum made a comment yesterday when she came to see them oh I bet it’s been nice just having the one. Well no because now I’m running around early 2 mornings then usually disturbing my youngest for her naps because we have to go get my eldest so really it’s a bit more stress for me 😅. However because she has had the best time it is worth it.

Then when she was leaving they always follow whoever saying bye and she kept going oh look they want to escape the prison and come with nanny. I know she says it joking but I honestly think she thinks we literally sit at home all day every day when we go somewhere pretty much every day. I also know my ex thinks the same (he’s only allowed supervised visits and has never had them on his own) but he said yesterday I don’t want them missing out. I quite often have to bite my tongue as he honestly had no idea what we do every day and they will never miss out on anything trust me. Just because he would rather put his money into other things than his kids that isn’t me.

Ok now I’ve just gone on to a bit of a rant but anyways, do you feel like you need time away from your kids?

Is it just me or are kids' places immorally priced?

$20 for my 2 year old to play in some sand for ONE HOUR?! Are you out of your mind?! It's even worse if I have 3 kids! Am I missing something? How do these people sleep at night?! I'm sure it's the same situation where it just takes a few bad apples to ruin it for everybody. They have to price it with the worst kids in mind (most destructive/messy). And doesn't it seem ethical to give military discounts across-the-board? Let's take it easy on the moms/dads with spouses overseas! I'm sorry to post this, I just have nobody to talk to/share my gripes with.

Potty training advice please!

My little boy is almost 20 months old (months shy of turning 2 years old for those who hate month ages😅) and I’ve started sitting him on the potty to get comfy before beginning full on potty training. I did the same with my daughter at the same age. The only thing is, I can’t get him to stop playing with himself and tucks himself out of the potty rim constantly 😬 it’s not pinching or trapped as far as I can tell there’s plenty of room and comfort, so I don’t know if it’s a comfort thing or a boy thing? Idk how to word it! Just looking for advice or anything from anyone else that’s experienced this?