Possibly of getting back together with my baby dad ..
I need advice.. truly genuine, unbiased advice.
My baby dad & I have had it rough since finding out I was pregnant in 2024. He was smoking weed all the time to numb his feelings towards literally everything, including me. He just wasn’t a supportive partner at all. He’s bipolar (but won’t get help for a formal diagnosis) and always made me feel as if I was walking on eggshells. Granted, I know the hormones amplified my feelings, but he has done a multitude of things that have hurt me over the last year and 1/2. I left him at 14 weeks pregnant so that I could continue to grow our son in peace. I went back literally 2 days after delivery to give him a chance to show me he could be a good partner and father.
The week we came home from the hospital was the best I had gotten from him. Little things started adding up and leading to me resenting him over the next 4 months. The day our son turned 4 months old, I had to draw the line. I left him again. Since December 2025 to present day, we have been separated. I told him in January that I want my family with him, but there were things that had to change before I’d consider coming back with our son. I told him that if he could make the changes and be the man that our son and I needed him to be, that this separation would be temporary.
By February he was doing well. He had gotten a therapist to start learning to deal with his emotions. He took me on a date to celebrate Valentine’s Day, he was doing good. By the end of February things went down hill again. He had forgot to take his antidepressants/anxiety meds and was spiraling. His spiral consisted of hot and cold mood swings that I was not able to handle.
By mid March I had taken all I could of his mood swings and at this point, I didn’t want him to worry about me anymore. I didn’t want him constantly feeling like he was never doing good enough for me (he gets in head often and took my disappointment as an attack), so I told him to really just focus on bettering himself and being a good dad. Granted, I did and still do love him so much and I only said what I did so that he would really get the reality check he needed to push through to becoming better. This is also when we had started shared parenting time on the weekends and visitations through the week for him as our son is with me full time.
As of April 2nd, we made it an official separation. By April 11th, I had moved all mine and our son’s out of his house. By April 17th he attempted to go no contact (via his therapists suggestion). By the 26th he had asked if he could start having our son overnight. I told him I didn’t think it was possible right now with our son only being 8mo and having newly diagnosed health conditions that require him to wear oxygen to bed and be monitored each time his pulse ox alarm goes off. By the 27th his mother had disrespectfully texted me (after not hearing from her in over 5mo) about how she was shaking her head over everything I had taken from the house (which, was in fact all MY things). On the 28th he had been going back and fourth me over the things I took as well bc apparently the baby shower gifts for our son, that his family bought should have stayed at his house regardless if our son was using it on a daily basis. By the 30th, he was over for a scheduled visit and he was great to be around. We had good conversation, making jokes, and laughing with each other.
Now, on to May. Last Tuesday, the 5th he had let me know that he had a therapy session scheduled during his scheduled visitation time (he visits every Tuesday and Thursday) and I was flexible with him and allowed him to come later, after his appointment. We had some really good conversations after everything we’ve been through and the nature of our relationship at this point. It had me feeling like, “yes, this is it. This is what I’ve been waiting to hear and see from him.” So the next day, (last Wednesday) I texted him telling him how proud I was of him to be able to have such calm, collected conversations with me the night before. He hit me back with “I’ve finally found peace and what’s done is done.” So I’m thinking… 🤔 wonder how he “found peace” so quickly? Something in me told me that the peace he was feeling was the fact that he had found someone else. Later that evening, I had sent him a picture of our son after he had finished up dinner. He responded within minutes. I sent a text back asking if he had therapy the next day (Thursday) and hadn’t heard back from him in hours. So I checked our conversation to make sure I had actually sent it and it sent as a text message and not an iMessage (iykyk), so I thought that was a little sus. Then minutes later, I see his Snapchat story…. He had posted a picture with a location filter on and he was in the next city over (about 30-40 mins from our city, but he never goes there). At that point, something in me broke.. because I just knew he was out on a date with someone. That night I couldn’t sleep, I felt like I was going crazy bc just the thought of him already being with someone when we had just officially separated a month ago was nuts. It made me physically ill to even think about him being with someone else. So the next day (Thursday), he comes over for his visit. We’re very cordial at this point and he tells me that he’ll be coming to visit Sunday for Mother’s Day bc our son got me something. So naturally, I get excited bc I really wasn’t expecting anything from him. Then, I very bluntly ask him how his date went the night before, he’s baffled and asks how I knew he was on a date. Sir… I didn’t really know anything but you just confirmed it. So I’m losing my sh*t, balling my eyes out bc I still love this man and I’d always hoped he would get his sh*t together and come after me when he was really ready to have a family. We converse for a while, I hysterically cry multiple times, he tells me that he wants his family back but he’s been lonely and he truly thought I was done with him. Then he hugs me and just the feeling of being held by him for the 1st time in months while I’m falling apart made all my feelings I had buried rush back. He pulls away from and looks me in my eyes… then bam, we’re kissing. Then we start talking about the possibly of us doing a no strings attached hook up bc now there’s INTENSE sexual tension between us. The hookup was planned. Fast forward to Saturday, the 9th. It happened. Afterward I felt great, but I knew that we connection we had couldn’t continue as a no strings attached agreement like we planned. I didn’t mention it to him, but he felt the same way. Then we visited the idea of us again and what we both needed to move forward bc he had made the comment that what we did just complicated things for him. We didn’t come to a final decision before I left. Later, he had dropped our son off to me at my brother’s and just seeing him again made my heart beat out of chest. I ended up having a heart to heart with my brother about missing my bd and he convinced me that I need to be raw and honest with him. So I had texted him around 1am telling him everything.. how he’s my person and I don’t want anyone but him. I tell him that I’m ready to start taking baby steps towards getting back together and that I’ll do couples counseling with him and I ask him to let me know what he thinks of it all. He responds back that we can talk about it when he comes to visit. So he gets here on Mother’s Day, walks in with a balloon, roses, and a box. In the box was a 4K image of the moment our son was laid on my chest after engraved into a glass heart with his birth date. I didn’t even know this man had taken this picture, this was the 1st time I had ever seen it. So again, naturally.. I’m so excited and I’m tearing up. We then visit the idea of us again, we go over the fact of needing counseling and that I need him to stand up for me to his family so that hey respect me as his partner and mother of his child. He’s very firm on making that happen, we’re all cuddly and lovey afterwards bc at this point I’m thinking, okay.. we’re really doing this.
** rest is is in the comments **
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So after a while he leaves. I spend the rest of my day with our son, I’m feeling good about where we’re at and at dinner I let my family know we’re giving it another shot. They’re all supportive and happy for me. Then around 8:30p a long text comes through from my bd. He starts by saying he loves me more than I know but he’s already forced himself to get over me and has made connections that he now has to see through. He says that he feels that I only want to try again because I feel threatened to lose him (which is not case) and that he’s scared that I’ll just end up leaving him again if he gives up his connections and gives me 100% of him and with that being said, he can’t promise to not talk to or stop seeing other people yet. So I’m crying, I try to call him.. he doesn’t answer. So I text him and say.. you’re joking, right? Like this has to be some sick joke? He then calls me, I’m still hysterical and he tells me that he had been think on it all day.
That it is very important to him that I cut the tension between me and his family. Mind you, I was with this man for 5 years. His family had always felt like my family, up until I got pregnant. I didn’t have any of their support, I reached out them before I left him during my pregnancy and it was just chalked up to my hormones (even after, descriptively explaining what he had been putting me though). They never reached out after our 1st separation, but oh boy were they all about coming around when our son was born. They didn’t reach out after the 2nd/current separation, not even to ask about the baby. They’ve been disrespectful to me, spiteful on social media and I am hurt and still trying to work my way through PPD/full time solo parenting. I told him that while they have been awful to me, I have never disrespected any of them. He says that he thinks it all a bunch of miscommunication.
He also said that it’s a deal breaker for him on us getting back together if me and his family cannot talk things out and put our differences aside. He wants me to be able to get to the point of a conversation with them within 3 months for a year & 1/2 of hurt that they’ve caused ME.
I told him that it didn’t make any sense for me to work up to that point and to go to couples counseling with him if he was going to continue to entertain other people. He said he would cut them off if I showed him I was giving 100% of my effort in getting to a conversation with his family and working on us.
Is he gaslighting me? I don’t know what to do.. I do still love him so much and there’s nothing I want more than to have my family.
Options and suggestions on how to take this on… please!
I think you two being apart sounds like it’s for the best. I think you both should stop having these discussions and should just focus on coparenting, keeping conversations solely about your child. I understand you love him, but read all that back, it’s too much drama, too many ups and downs, and you don’t sound like you’re good for each other.
I think you know the answer is separation, and unfortunately no one else sharing their opinion will sway you if you decide to work things out with him. Nothing about this situation sounds healthy for you, your child, or your baby daddy.
Ultimately, your kid is still really young but if something doesn’t change then they are going to grow up watching this dynamic and learning that love is rollercoaster of instability. That’s not what you want for yourself or your baby, and it’s up to you to set the boundaries that will keep you all safe from that cycle.
I know it’s not easy, but you deserve a healthy love. 💕
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