Hitting at school (sorry its long)

My daughter is a really kind, sweet girl and has lots of friends/ very sociable and popular.
HOWEVER
She has the tendency to get violent if something doesn't go her way or she isn't being listened to/ someone says no to her
She will take out her anger on fellow classmates and hit out/ scratch. She will claim to be really sorry about it after but will then go and repeat the behaviour. She does this to her older brother too if he doesn't want to play with her/ he chooses a different TV show etc. note- he does NOT retaliate and is the complete opposite of her.

School have told me this really needs to be sorted out but I've already tried speaking to her calmly, getting cross, stopping her screen time, not allowing her chocolate and sweets, not allowing her to the park, time out at home etc and school give her immediate consequences such as sitting her out and having her go into another class.

Has anyone been through this/ going through this and have any advice please? It's so embarrassing and I'm out of options!

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Please don't be embarrassed, lots of us have been there, and asking shows how much you care. There's almost always a message behind frustration; it's usually about not feeling heard or boundaries, not 'naughtiness'.

One thing that changed it for us: punishments after the fact rarely work, because in the moment she can't think straight. What helps more is practising what to do with anger when she's calm (stomp away, squeeze fists, find an adult), catching the build-up early, and making a big deal of the times she gets angry but doesn't hit.

It could also be worth an outside person (a coach or some extra support) just to understand what's underneath, and keep listening to what school is noticing. The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is brilliant on this too.

You're doing everything you can . x

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