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First time mums

rant.

lately i’ve been feeling like maybe i’m not fit for this. my mother has caused so much friction in my life. she stole an important moment for me. she’s attacked me about my weight and bullied me for being fat. i lost the weight and now it’s you’re too skinny, i don’t think you’re eating. when i got pregnant and told her, you could tell she wasn’t happy because for some weird reason she wanted to be the only mother in the family.. on mother’s day she didn’t even make it feel special or anything, all she said was “wow you’re a mom like me now, alright it’s nun we can do about it” she keeps saying how she will take my son and get him baptized, at one point we gotinto because she kept acting as if she was my sons mom. when i made it clear i wanted some space all she did was complain and harass me. it’s more shit but i don’t want to have anyone reading too much.. then my sons father.. he hasn’t bought a single thing since our son was born. he argued with me the day he was born because my parents said something to me and i made a face and got upset so tha caused us to argue. we’ve been arguing since the day i gave birth. a wee pp he decided to pick a fight and yell at me in front of my son while i was in the middle of trying to latch him and i was shaking and crying so bad and he did not care. my “friends” i found out they’ve called my child ugly and an “it” all because they secretly don’t like me and i had to find out through a trusted source. i’m 3 months pp and i jus want God to come and take me and my baby. i don’t trust his dad to be with him for longer than3 mins especially if im not at ears reach. i’m with my son 24/7 and when i do get a break, i have to ask . i hav to ask to shower, if i don’t ask i wouldn’t even shower for almost a month. i joined this app to make friends but everyone i tried to be friends with , he ruined the relationship. he got mad and did everything he could to make sure i didn’t make my PP appointment . i cant go back to work without a clearance. i cant make money to get my son the things he needs because his dad wont. i tried to tell my mom whats been going on and how i felt she said “shut up with that noise” . i’m very tired. i haven’t been happy. i’m tired of pretending and sometimes i feel like maybe i should’ve died instead then i won’t feel bad for wanting to leave this earth because i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant…