Mom guilt
For the last few weeks, I’ve been sleeping with my baby because it’s been almost impossible to transfer her to her crib. The minute she touches the mattress, she wakes up. I know she wants to be close to me because the second I pick her up, she falls right back asleep.
It’s been awful. I honestly haven’t been sleeping much at all. I haven’t been super scared of co-sleeping because I’m a light sleeper and can hear every little sound she makes. I also try my best to make the space as safe as possible by keeping blankets and pillows away from her.
But recently she’s started moving around more, and I’ve been finding her in some scary situations. Thank God I’ve always woken up before anything happened because I can hear her.
The real scare happened last night. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep without realizing it, and when I woke up, my arm was against her face. I felt so awful. I’ve literally been crying since 6 this morning. Then later, I found her near a pillow again because she’s moving around so much now.
I don’t want my baby ending up in a dangerous situation, but this has been so hard. It’s not like I can just choose not to sleep. I’ve tried over and over to put her in her crib, but she wakes up every time. Some nights it’s just a constant cycle of getting her to sleep, transferring her to the crib, her waking up, getting her back to sleep, transferring her again, and repeating it all over. I’m completely exhausted.
Anyone else ever been here?
So I am struggling. Like really struggling.
So I seem to have issues around sex and masturbation. I was fine while my partner and I lived seperately but then he moved in just before our kiddo was born and things changed.
I was newly post partum (like within the first 2 weeks) and my partner brought our newborn to me, then indicated he had an erection and went to the bedroom.
I didn't register at first what he ment but when I did I feel like something broke. I cannot explain it but I subsequently broke down, could not stop thinking about it. Started hallucinating, became paranoid. It was fucking hell. We went to the GP and I was in tears begging for help.
I started seeing a therapist and was put on medication and things helped dramatically.
Eventually I stopped hallucinating, the paranoia eased and I stopped thinking about it.
Then things would happen to bring it all back up. Like we tried to watch porn together but he kept moving his phone so I couldn't see and it made me uncomfortable.
The paranoia came back but about his phone this time. It's persisted and I still struggle. It's been nearly 5 years.
He takes his phone everywhere, struggled to let me touch it, at one point he made a noise and jerked backwards when I tried to reach for it as he was showing me something. This is on going but has gotten better.
I was on Reddit a fair bit and the stories would get stuck in my head or things people said. Partners cheating, being weird with their phones, men jerking off to women they know, familynor friends of their gf. Men are visual apparently, yet my partner has his eyes closed with me a lot. He needs to see porn but not me.
Anyway, I ended up deleting Reddit and things improved.
Then we had intimacy issues and barely did anything. Had relationship issues and tried to work on them through an app. His response to one of the questions was "as long as he gets it once a month". We stopped after that.
Eventually things started improving again.
Then he started working away wjich caused issues.
We again tried an app but I found out he had had 3somes with men and women (no contact with the men apparently), had random sex at parties etc he also apparently didn't know 3somes was a kink.
Then we bumpedminto an ex who seemed happy to see him. He told me she slept with his brother and ruined his marriage but not why they broke up.
He recently pointed out somewhere he used to party.
He did drugs.
He once told me that his best time was on drugs.
I currently have a very low libido.
I am also super fucking sensitive so shit gets to me.
Like he is on his.phone immediately after sex sometimes. Has it beside him during sex, almost always.
The other day we showered together and hr hopped in bed while ai dried off. He was on his phone but he asked about sex and ai said yeah, likely seemed not completely enthusiastic and then I dtood naked next to the bed whil he was on his phone. A few minutes later I just started getting dressed and lied about why.
I am his 12th girlfriend and he is my first everything.
My brain brings all this up repeatedly. Tortures me with it and I can't get it to stop.
I need to get it to stop.
I am seeing a therapist and am on medication so no need to suggest either.
