Ftm, 5 months back at work and i think I have ppd

I've been back at work for 5 months now, i have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl, and it's getting harder and harder to leave her everyday. I thought this would get easier. I can't stop grieving the loss of her baby hood already, I feel like I'm missing out on joy because I'm already anticipating missing these moments. Plus just existential crisis stuff about who I am as a person... I think now that the survival mode of having a newborn and sleep deprivation has passed, we're settling into a "new normal" routine and it feels weird.
I have very little friends that I see face to face, all my friends who are moms live out of town, and are often too busy to chat. My childless friends in town are very few who actually want to hang out, and when we do, I feel such a disconnect with them. How could they understand that I feel destroyed, sometimes in the best way possible??

I grew up in the area, I have tons of friends, so why am I so lonely and feel like I have no support?

I'm truly lucky. My baby is healthy. I love my partner. My baby's childcare is 4 days a week with my dad, they have so much fun together. I work five minutes from home and can come home on lunch breaks. My job is very understanding and flexible and I have vacation time. So I guess I just need to start being more vocal and taking time off. I'm kinda scared that's a slippery slope to quitting everything and running away into the forest with my baby...

I just had a blood panel done to see if I was low on iron (I thought that might be a factor in my low energy and mood), and I'm a bit low but nothing drastic. I thought they were also testing my B and D levels but they didn't?? I'm so annoyed. I just want to feel like myself again. (For reference, I'm breastfeeding full time and I started my period at 3 months post pardum)...

in our community

Alone time

This is probably not a big deal but I just want to share that after I put my baby to sleep, my husband also went to go to bed early so I spent my free time watching my show while eating ice cream and chips and as a stay at home mom sometimes that’s all I need. No one needed anything from me, I didn’t have anything to do, and I felt at ease knowing I was just existing…

True or false

I believe all women lose sexual interest if you disappoint them emotionally.

Life insurance

Hey all, looking at life insurance options now that I am expecting and wondering if anyone has any advice. It seems like a bit of a mindfield!

Had an abortion now pregnant again with an abusive guy

I thought my dreams were coming true I thought I was going to finally have a family, a loving partner. I’ve been with him for six months or so and I got pregnant well as soon as we found out, he threatened to murder me so I was very uncomfortable and had an abortion. Well, he’s a narcissist and had a mask on the whole time so of course I fell into the trap two months later I’m pregnant again I’m almost 3 months pregnant now and it’s just as worse if not more than the last time he’s super abusive blames me that I’m pregnant even though we’ve been planning this since we met we even put a deposit down on an apartment but come to find out he’s been having sex with his ex the whole time and she reached out to me telling me that he’s a player and a liar. Yeah he’s been lying to my face. Every chance that he got I feel super unprepared, no money no support as my families in New York and I’m in California. I have three dogs that I take care of and I’m being blamed that I’m setting myself up for failure and struggle because I have three dogs. I work from home so being pregnant and being with the baby would be easy but I have no support. I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna get another abortion, but I also don’t want the kid to live in in poverty with an abusive father, I don’t wanna live with him. I won’t, but I don’t know what to do. My family’s mad at me that I even let him back into my life now, of course I’m being blamed for everything by my family and by him the only person that knows this is my neighbor and she’s pregnant too, so she understands please help. I keep going to church and praying to God, but I don’t know what to do I considered giving the baby up for adoption, but I’m 39 and I just always wanted a family. The fairytale just seems like I’ll never be able to get it. Of course he plays the victim, but the victim is really me and the Babies may the first baby just rest in peace. 😓😇

Getting turned down for jobs

Does anyone else feel like they are getting turned down for jobs because the employer is worried about you having more babies? I've had quite a few interviews lately all of which seemed to go well only to be rejected. Before having a child I found it fairly easy to get a job but am now really struggling.

Going out alone with the baby.

Does anyone else struggle to go out alone with their baby? I seem to be okay when I am with my fiancé or a family member, but alone I feel so anxious. Does anyone else get this or have gotten past it?

Send help, slowly going insane 🤪