Partner getting angry over baby not settling
My baby is 12 weeks old and has always been a good sleeper, we’ve never really had many issues with her sleep. But this morning she has been so fussy and crying all morning from 3am till now (7am) but she’s finally settled. I’m 99% sure she has trapped wind or just has a sore tummy from not pooping for about 24hrs now. ANYWAYS. At about 4:30am my partner woke up and tried to settle her, obviously it didn’t work, he then had the nerve to shout at the baby telling her to “sort herself out”. I had to try my hardest not to snap but I told him to not dare talk to her like that as it’s not her fault she’s upset, my girl loves her sleep and I know that’s what she’d rather be doing than screaming her head off. The extra annoying part is I have never woken him up for help through the night when she’s fussy, I’m always in another room with her until I know she’s definitely settled, he always tells me before he goes to bed “wake me up if you need me” but I never do, and now I guess I know why.
It’s just annoyed me how I deal with her whenever she’s upset 24/7, he’s at work 6am-4/5pm all week and even weekends some days, not to mention the sports he does 3 days a week and the times his friends ask him to go out. The times he does see her she’s happy. He hasn’t had her 1:1 since she was about 6 weeks old if not earlier than that. Everytime I offer him to feed her a bottle of expressed milk he has an excuse, whenever I try to get him to even just spend time with her he has an excuse. But because he doesn’t spend enough time with her he doesn’t recognise her different cues for what she needs and then he gets frustrated when he can’t settle her. It’s a vicious cycle.
But the short of the rant is, I’m so angry that he had the nerve to shout at the baby for crying when he’d only been awake 30 minutes and she was clearly in some kind of pain. Instead of trying to be her comfort person and her safe space he decided no, I’ll shout at her, which in turn scared her and upset her more.
I’ve never been so angry. How would anyone else approach this situation?
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My response would depend hugely on his reaction in the aftermath. Whilst it's never the right thing to do, I understand being overwhelmed when your baby won't sleep and you're really exhausted. If he's legitimately sorry, feels awful, is generally a good dad I wouldn't try to pile on. If he's defensive/doesn't see an issue that's a big red flag to me.
That said, he can't pretend to be surprised she won't settle for him when he hasn't really done it before. They need to work it out between themselves and they can't do that if he doesn't ever take her. He NEEDS to start being involved in her basic care otherwise what's the point of being her dad? Maybe he's a bit nervous/doesn't trust himself? Again giving the benefit of the doubt here assuming the shouting is out of character. If that's in character I'd be putting him in the bin.
I’d start leaving them for short periods so he gets more familiar with her cues and also generally what it really means to take care of a baby. As above I will give some benefit of the doubt - if she’s usually a good sleeper then he might just be in panic mode. Men get such a short period of time to bond that their reactions do tend to be a bit more knee jerk; they also aren’t ‘trained’ in the way women socially are around empathy etc etc. I’d definitely have had words about don’t talk to her like that but yeah wouldn’t pile on personally if it’s a one off. Maybe some baby development books or similar could help? As annoying as it is to say you’ll have 1004 phases and stages of fussiness and tantrums etc to come so you’ll need to be on the same page of what’s happening, when, and how you are going to approach that as a team x
I can understand being overwhelmed but I agree with how did he react after? If he doesn’t see the issue then I wouldn’t be leaving her with him sorry. If he admits he’s overwhelmed sees it’s wrong and wants some help - maybe cut down his sports for a bit (she’s only 12 weeks!) It takes consistency and work x
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