Adoption issues
It’s no secret that I have a bad relationship with my 3 year old step son. I’ve posted about it on here, I talk to my mom and sister about it often. I google like a crazy person seeking answers on his behavioral issues, defiance, and what I can do to help him. I pray for patience. But it’s at the point where I don’t know why I’m doing it anymore. My husband adopted him last summer, and fostered him for a while before that. I have no doubt that he loves him, but it’s becoming clear to me that adoption probably wasn’t a good idea. I don’t want this to be too long so I won’t get into every detail, just what the big issues are. He’s aggressive. He’s punched me in the face, and in the stomach, and last week kicked me in the stomach (I’m 38 weeks pregnant). Yesterday at daycare he punched multiple teachers in the face, slapped kids, jumped on kids. And has in the past few months, chocked kids, slammed them into walls, drew blood etc. He’s punched my 2 year old daughter in the face, pushes her, breaks her toys, and is constantly mean to her. He sends my anxiety through the room every time he comes home. Aside from all that. My husband can’t stand him. He has moments where I can see he loves him and wants to be a dad. But sometimes he tells me he regrets adopting him. Yesterday he yelled at him and said “Do you want me to give you to another fucking family? I don’t know if I can do this.” This isn’t the first time he’s said something like this to my step son. It’s mean and it’s harsh and I do feel bad. But I also understand. Every single day I wish there was somebody out there to reclaim him. My husband said to me out of the blue a weeks or so ago “I feel like you’d be happier if we didn’t have him” I said “I try not to think about that” and he said “I think about it a lot”. I feel like he’s waiting for me to agree, to say that I can’t do it either, that I can’t stand him. But I just can’t, I can’t give my husband a reason to blame it on me when it’s obvious that it’s a decision he needs to make. He got drunk last month and vented to me about it, and he said “but what am I supposed to do, sign away my rights?” I have no idea what to do anymore. I need to think about the safety of my family, our happiness. I also need to think about this child. Is this the right environment for him? It doesn’t feel like it. Not just for our sakes but his. Please someone help me. I’m 20 years old, I’ve only ever raised one child and it’s my own for 2 years. I’m new to this and am lost and scared and worried for my family.
Read more on PeanutThe views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.
Learn more about our guidelines.
You probably need to start with professional help for you and your husband and the kid. To figure out what is best. If you don’t know what to do about his behaviors then find a professional to teach you how to handle it.
I think you also need to accept that this kid is a part of your family. Because if you can’t then it will never work. You could have these behavior issues with your bio kids and you probably won’t think of abandoning them.
It doesn’t help the kid that you don’t want him around. You might try and hide it but he is still picking up on it.
I have so much compassion for you. I worked in a school for kids with trauma and learning struggles. 70% of our school was adopted. I saw kids that adapted well post adoption and kids that had persistent behavioral issues. — I would see if there is a medical diagnosis he could get that would qualify him for behavioral therapy. 1. You have someone else looking at his behavior and working through stuff. 2. It can give you a bit of a break during the day to have someone else care for him. — I, being a Christian, also believe that there can be trauma and spiritual attachments from pregnancy. It would be worth it to meet with someone to pray and break off any spiritual attachments affecting his behavior. — I would also see someone about his diet. We had kids at our school that saw drastic behavioral change with a diet change. Could be Red 40 or gluten amping things up. — That and have an occupational therapist that looks at unintegrated primitive reflexes. Those can affect a lot too. 🤷🏽♀️
Download the Peanut App
