Should I confront her or not?

My MIL and I have always gotten along. Here and there we’ve had little things that have always been resolved. Usually her saying something because she’s a drunk. We catch up without my partner so we do get along quite well.

When me and my partner have disagreements, he usually says things like “even mum says you have it lucky”. Which aggravates the fuck out of me because she doesn’t live in our house and she’s not in a relationship with her son. She sees my struggle and she knows what he’s like.

So I’m confused as to whether she does make comments to him or if he just says she does in order to make me feel shit.

I want to call her and ask if she made that comment or not. And if she did, I wanna ask her why she feels the need to make comments about a relationship she’s not in and why say them when she knows things. I want her to know she is enabling him by not telling him off for the shit he does. No one does. No one steps in.

Recently his dad has become involved in his life since we had our second child and it’s been great. The other day his dad told him off for something and he was remorseful and apologetic. I guess because someone else told him it’s not ok, he wasn’t allowed to be enabled.

I wanna pull her up on this so she knows it’s not ok to enable her son like that (if she really did say it).

I will always stand up for myself and I don’t care if that ruins a relationship between her and I if it’s for my own sanity (gaslighting and manipulation). I won’t be meeting her with rude energy, I just want to be plain and clear I hold no tolerance to family enabling his shitty behaviour. I’m on the edge of leaving him and I want to be clear, they play a part.

Thoughts?

in our community

What would you do

Growing up, I’d say my mom was semi neglectful. She’d do a food shop, but never make us food. As young children we’d only eat something that was already made, most of the time just pre-packaged snacks and very rarely proper meals. Emotionally she was unavailable, spent most of her weekends with friends while we were shipped to my dads/grandmas. When she was home, her head was in her phone, and it was impossible to get conversation out of her. Our relationship was so rocky for a while, but in recent years we’re on good terms now I have my own house and family.

When she first offered to have my child overnight, everything was fine. She’d have him once a month and this worked for about a year. But after that things have started to go downhill. He returns and his clothes smell of cigarette smoke, even more so after she’s washed them. So I asked her to just return his dirty clothes and I’d wash them at home. She took this really personally, but agreed. Even clean spare clothes I sent over there come back smelly. I’ll ask her what he’s eaten and she often lists snacks and sweets. My toddler is a really good eater so would eat a meal she gave him. I’ll often call when he’s there to find out what he’s eaten, and when I tell her to give him a proper meal she’ll ask him if he wants it, as if it’s not a given that he’ll want proper food. When she drops him back off at home, his nappy is often really full and on the verge of leaking. This is all things I’ve talked to her about before and explained I’m not happy with.

What’s really got me was today she has dropped my 6 month old baby home, soaking wet in sweat. He had on a sleepsuit, and when I picked him up out of the car seat he was so wet I thought his nappy had exploded but no, he was sweating. I asked if she’d had aircon on in the car (given the current heat) and she said no. I flipped and lost it. I don’t feel comfortable leaving her to care for them anymore which is unfortunate as I think she has good intentions but is not able to carry out the care they need. I feel so disappointed in her for letting me down and in myself for hoping she had changed. I’ve had so many conversations with her about these things and she always meets me with a condescending “i know how to look after kids i looked after you”

For now my plan is to limit contact to day time and at my house/ public. Which is so sad as she is our only support system.

Should I apologise?

So basically my MIL was meant to come over at 9am. She delayed to 2pm, then 3 pm then 4pm.

When she said it would now be 4pm I said we were heading out to a park around the corner, shady and got a lovely breeze and they could meet us there.

She messaged to say she couldn't do that because going outside in this heat is dangerous and she will meet us at the house. (25 degrees)

I then said my children were climbing the walls so we were heading out and we would love to see her there or we could reschedule to a cooler day.

She didn't come and told my partner I need to apologise because I hurt her feelings.

Boy mom to future mother in law

I hope I’m not alone in feeling like this, and I hope this post doesn’t make me the icky sort of boy mom I have a fear of becoming.

I am a mom to only boys, so in the future I may find myself being someone’s mother in law, and grandma on the dad’s side. Being a mother myself, I know how much I felt like I wanted my mom in that postpartum period, and the early years of my boys life. I haven’t spoke to him about it but I wondered if my partner also felt the same way. Naturally I went to my own mother for advice, help and support, my mother in law often being a last resort. I noticed I did this with my first and swore to myself to not abandon or neglect her with my second, although it was completely unintentional the first time around. I know mother in laws get a bad rep for unsolicited advice, unwelcomed visits and so on, and I never want to be that mother in law. My own mother in law respected our boundaries, if anyone pushed them it was often my own mother.

Part of me mourns a future where my sons with probably not need me in those times as much as their partner needs their mother, and I know that’s okay, I know that’s how I felt. I’m not the sort of person who would demand to see a baby or show up unnanounced, if they asked me to stay away I would. I don’t know what the point in writing this is, I guess I just wondered if any other boy moms felt the same way.

MIL help

In my spare time to make some extra money I drive uber to help my partner pay for my school yesterday was the first time sense I was hospitalized for pp complications my MIL watched our son. She was with him for only 4 hours, he’s 5 weeks 2 days and when my partner went to pick him up after his shift at work was over she said to him “if she can’t get him to stop crying just to be held I’m not watching him for you guys anymore” I’ve been told my multiple ppl and everything I’ve read says he’s simply just not old enough to self regulate yet. So now my partner feels like I’ve “spoiled him” and wants me to let him “cry it out” sense his mom is adamant that’s what she did with her 2 sons but it hurts my heart to let him sit there and cry when all he wants is comfort. Any advice or thoughts on what to do… me and him are very good with communication but this seems to have caused a disconnect and I feel like I’m being blamed for a new born crying when that’s simply what they do.

Nursery funding questions - very confused!

1. We have been approved for nursery funding & given our code. We missed the deadline for earlier this year so the nursery said we can start using it from I think September, does that sound right?

2. Our son goes to nursery Monday, Wednesday & Thursday for a total of 22.5 hours (7.5 each day) and we have been approved for 30 hours of funding, does this mean that his nursery bill will be completely covered?

Sorry if these questions make me sound really stupid but this is our first time dealing with all of this and no one has really explained anything so I’m a bit confused! Nursery being completely covered for us sounds a bit too good to be true!

Thank you for your help ☺️

Bad eater

My little man turned 2 at the end of June and I cannot get him to eat 😩
He used to be the best eater now I’m literally having sleepless nights thinking he must be starving
He’ll eat grated cheese, prawns and watermelon and that’s it. Everything else I get no or he’ll like squash it up and throw it
This is just a phase isn’t it 😭