Feeling sad about my experience
My son just turned 3 month old šš» and I now find myself looking back on his newborn phase and feeling a ton of emotions! The most surprising to me, being anger and sadnessā¦ all Iāve ever wanted was to be a mom but I feel like Iāve had a harder go of it than I ever imaginedā¦ so I just need to vent! We didnāt get to bond properly because of his complications - I could never get him to latch / I couldnāt produce enough because he had to stay in the nicu - I couldnāt hold him and love on him because of the wires, and the treatment. This is all while Iām still a patient myself but Iām constantly up in that nicu with himā¦ I couldnāt sleep without him near meā¦ he was with me for 9 months and now Iām supposed to ārest and recoverā when thereās a missing part of me 2 floors away?? Then I get dischargedā¦ walking into my home without my babyā¦. It felt like a strange empty place.. finally we get to bring him home but again not the way I wantedā¦ heās got to stay on the light therapyā¦ which means minimal holdingā¦ all these moments that are usually so precious to most are so sad to meā¦ my milk never came inā¦ I felt disconnected from my babyā¦ then we have a week where itās just regular newborn hard which was what I was prepared for! Then here comes colic. He would cry and scream constantly and I would cry because there was nothing I could do to help! And I didnāt want to ask for help because no one wants to hold a screaming babyā¦ but we got through itā¦ now he absolutely refuses to be put down for any amount of time.. even in the car seatā¦ he literally screams so hard he starts to loose his voice.. which means going anywhere is so tedious and Iām stuck at homeā¦ and I blame it on that week I couldnāt hold himā¦ suddenly ur out of ur warm save place and taken to a loud, bright, scary place away from the only person u knowā¦ thatās traumatic!! And now he still has reflux giving him a hard time!! Though everything Iāve looked at the positives and I still found happy moments but I guess in this moment Iām feeling sorry for what we didnāt getā¦.
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That sounds like a tough experience you've gone through. It's understandable that it wasn't what you were expecting to go through and that you are grieving the parts you didn't get. I felt that sadness reading where you couldn't hold him and not being able to breastfeed him even when he came home. What a difficult thing to endure and then you still had challenges to overcome like colic and reflux and now he doesn't want to be put down. I know it can be frustrating but even through the challenges, they are only babies for a short time so all we can do is our best to give them lots of love, patience and support while they are going through so much growth and development in a world completely new to them. That all said, I think it's normal to grieve what you didn't get too. I hope you allow yourself to feel those feelings and soon find acceptance. May you enjoy all the moments you have with your little one š
Hang in there Momma. I can relate. There will be ups and downs, but at the end of the day you are a Momma and have your precious baby. Stay strong. God bless.
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