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TTC After an Ectopic pregnancy

6 days Post-op

I just experienced my first ectopic pregnancy and tube removal. I found out I was pregnant in August. 3rd pregnancy but immediately I just felt anxious. Probably because it's been hard and I've been vocal about my lack of village so I felt some shame and guilt about wanting another baby. I had literally gone to the OB a month prior to ask if my hormones and everything was ok since we had been trying since I got my first PP period in February. They said everything was fine and I found out I was pregnant the next month. I was happy but freaking out and stressed and worried about people's opinions and how we'd afford it. Anyway I started bleeding about a week after very light in fact it looked like old blood but it was ongoing for days then overnight when I went to use the bathroom it had turned bright red with clots and that's when I knew for sure something wasn't right. I was seen the following day, they did an ultrasound but couldn't see anything, they checked my HCG and ordered repeat testing 48 hours later. It was officially a PUL. Honestly at this point I thought I was miscarrying and I was devasted. The next day I felt this weird shoulder tip pain in my shoulder but intermittently like twice it stood out to me. Then at night when I was laying down I felt cramping but it felt like gas pain so I couldn't really tell what it was and if I was just hyper focused on everything based on my research on chat. Next morning I was trying to go to the lab draw but I definitely noticed the one sided pain it was mild but persistent and annoying. Ended up in the ER per my doctor's advice where they ran the HCG test. It had gone up 40% and they did an ultrasound. It was so painful id never felt that way with a vaginal ultrasound before. Again they couldn't see gestational sac and they found a structure near my adnexa/left tube and they classified it as suspicious for ectopic. They talked to me about treatment methods including methotrexate, surgery but they decided to wait and see since it may be too early. Sent me home with repeat testing in 48 hours. Ended up in the ER again for the HCG testing two days later and it had gone up again about 40%. That was Saturday. Went home and waited for the ultrasound the following Tuesday. Again they didn't find the sac but she said the structure hadnt grown either. She asked me what I wanted to do if I was tired of the testing we could treat it with the injection but I requested one more lab draw because it was a highly desired pregnancy. She agreed but said if the levels weren't in the 4000 range then we needed to discuss next steps such as a D&C. The results came back same day and it had increased but only to around 3300. This part was so hard the levels were increasing which told the story that my baby was developing, but where was the question. What a confusing way to grieve something or someone I guess. I literally kept asking my husband like am I still pregnant or not, what is going on with my body. They Scheduled the D&C for two days later. I requested one more ultrasound before the procedure but it was unclear if they were going to give it to me I was to find out the day of the surgery. I went to the surgical admitting unit and they did perform the ultrasound. The tech was so kind she showed me the ultrasound which confirmed that it was in fact ectopic. My baby was in my left tube and there was cardiac activity. My baby was alive and it's heart was beating. The surgical staff came in and changed treatment to tubal removal. This was my first ectopic and first surgery ever. I did not want to end my babys life and rationally I know it was a non viable pregnancy but I just didn't consider that id possibly see my baby still be alive. In all the days I was left with uncertainty and fear and anxiety that scenario never crossed my mind. I can't unsee the heart beating I can't stop thinking about it and I'm just so devastated. I have two littles a 3 1/2 yo boy and 1 1/2 yo girl and in trying to be present. I've been bleeding since the surgery which I know is normal but I just feel like I'm still in this and it's not over. I have three incisions and the one in my belly button hurts the most. I'm sad, anxious and worried something is going to happen to my kids or husband. I'm scared of losing more. My doctor said I can start trying one cycle from now she said the first cycle is like a reset then we can start trying. I feel all the medical staff speak about this non chalantly like if risk for another ectopic hasn't increased or as if conceiving with one tube is the same as with two tubes. Maybe I'm wrong I don't know but none of those things were discussed. Risk is here regardless of stats I know but I'm just so worried about losing the other tube. I never thought this could even happen but it did. It's relieving to see others posts about being able to conceive but I'm also seeing others post about having multiple ectopic I know it can go either way.

Yes I know this is too long but I needed this. Thank you if you read it all.