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Postpartum Depression + Anxiety

Had enough

Before we had baby girl, my partner told me to tell him should I struggle mentally when she was here. Fast forward to now, 9 months on awaiting a course of CBT for PPD, anxiety & a little rage.

For context, my partner works full time & comes home at 2.50pm everyday apart from Fridays where he’s home by 10am. He cooks tea & cleans the bottles. I look after baby all day & all night, I’ve always done pretty much everything when it comes to caring for little miss night wake ups etc.

On & off I’ve really been struggling & it doesn’t matter how I word what I say of how I feel, it ALWAYS gets misconstrued into something else. I say I feel like I’m constantly against the clock? So is he. Etc. Etc.

I have never once taken away from what my partner does but for me, I feel I never clock off not even for 10 minutes & he does although he doesn’t feel he does he doesn’t see the 30/40 minutes downtime on his PlayStation he gets etc. or watching something in the evening, the lie ins at the weekend etc. I co-sleep also because it’s the only way me & her get some form of sleep although I’d love for her to be in her own cot I just don’t have it in me to tackle that on my own.

I start back to work in 2 weeks & obviously I will be on duty before work & as soon as I finish work until I return to work again the next day. Can someone please tell me how I’m supposed to get across do my partner that I am feeling bitter & frustrated & resentful without him taking it that I’m saying he does sweet FA because it’s not that I just need more help with the baby. I’d like half an hour in the evenings to myself where I’m not watching a monitor.

I’m just at my wits end tbh I really am. I’ve tried so many ways to get across that I’m struggling with doing EVERYTHING for the baby, I’ve explained I don’t switch off & that maybe once or twice a week it would be really nice if he could put her to bed & we role reverse so I can wash bottles etc. just for something different - the 1 night a week role reversal lasted maybe 2 weeks.

I’m struggling to cope with the idea of how I’m going to do all of this plus work in a very busy health care setting that’s mentally draining some days & not crack up.

Sorry for the long post I just feel so done. Not with being a mum, not with the relationship just of how it makes me feel when I’m burnt out & im somehow still attacking him.

Maybe I should do more? Maybe I am the problem & I need to accept that. Maybe I need to stay quiet, stay in my lane & then everyone around me stays happy.

I just don’t feel much like me anymore. Extremely exhausted Mummy, frustrated & irritated partner. I feel sad