Marriage advice
Hey š my husband(32) and I(30) have been married for nine years with 2 kids. He is either out of town working or working from about 7am to 5pm on the days he is home. I work at a school so we get home around 330pm.
I feel like little things have afded up over the years and i am just done since nothing has changed. I have been asking my husband for years to help me around the house without asking. He does the dishes and thats about it for the most part. He is consistently making jokes and trying to play around and tickle me as if I am a sibling and I absolutely hate it. He will come up to me and hug me and try to be affectionate during the times I am occupied such as cleaning or cooking. For the past couple years about once a month after letting everything bottle up I let it out and get mad. He will tell me he is trying and he will work on it and he does that for about a week before going back to his normal self which consists of him going to work, coming home and sitting on his phone while eating dinner, taking a 45 minute shower and then scrolling on his phone or playing the xbox. It was not always like this but for the past 4 or 5 years it's been like this and I always told myself that it was okay because I was a stay at home mom but now that I am working, nothing will get done if I dont do it. I dont know what to do but I feel like I have been distant and he is noticing and now trying to be helpful and affectionate in the way I wanted years ago. I'm so confused and frustrated.
Any advice would be helpful.
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Not an expert by any means, Iāve been married for 15 years. We had some really rough years. In counseling I was told that I need to start picking up what he was laying down for me. And even though he wasnt doing what I wanted him to be doing, he was doing things. I just couldnāt seem them because it wasnāt done my way, or the way I was expecting them to look.
Also, I read this book: it changed our marriage.
Love and Respect.
Reciprocation is very important, but if you guys arenāt speaking each others language, it wonāt be heard or seen.
Feeling appreciated goes a really long way. Most humans are more willing to listen and actively engage if they feel appreciated. This goes both ways. He may tickle you because thatās how heās trying to be affectionate. Maybe he kisses you and is affectionate when you are doing the things that heās grateful for, and is this how he tries to communicate his appreciation. It took me a long time to start understanding what my husband needed to hear
In order to hear me at all. I didnāt change what I was asking for, I had to change the way and the words I was using. Connection is very important. When most people feel disconnected they rely on their coping skills. You canāt give out what you donāt have. Marriage is really hard work. And then we are trying to raise tiny, over emotional humans on top of it š³š«šµāš«. I hope my words are helpful. I felt your post very deeply. It takes work. But from both sides. I was desperate to save my marriage, and that pushed me to read these books, start counseling for myself, and find the solutions and answers that worked for the whole marriage. Not just myself. This is just my experience. But I really hope you find the solutions that worked for you!!! ššš. Please feel free to message me anytime
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Complete mental breakdown
I'm a 30 year old ftm and took my little one (whos 17 weeks) out today as I needed to do some shopping. He'd been a bit fussy this morning but seemed to calm down before I took him. He was quiet while I went to a few shops then I decided to stop for lunch as I hadn't eaten today. I literally only said to the little one are you okay youve been a bit quiet then he erupted into a full-blown meltdown screaming even when I tried feeding, winding and rocking. Loads of people commented on it and I was just so embarrassed I'd only taken one bite out of my food and instantly left whilst bursting into tears and couldnt stop crying. It took a good nearly two hours to settle him meaning i couldnt go back out to pick up my partner. For context I've been feeling very anxious about going out with the little one unless it's a necessity and so haven't really been going out much. Ive also been really struggling feeling low and overwhelmed. Ive asked my partner to help more by taking baby for an hour in the morning and evening after he works but he just sits on his phone and has to be told to take the child when i need to go to the toilet or cook etc. He also got very annoyed when i called him out on it and today when I've asked him to make his own way home from work has essentially made me feel worse.
Im just hoping someone has some advice or something as i feel like today's breakdown has been slowing looming these past few weeks
4
10
He left us
I canāt be their dad. Iām just lost and confused. Last week we were craving pumpkins and decorating Halloween cookies, and before bed he kissed my head and told me how much fun he had and thanked me for giving him such a wonderful family. Two days later heās telling me get the kids, pack our stuff, and leave. I was given one hour. He called the day after that and told me to come get the rest of my stuff, and when I got there he said I couldnāt take any of it actually, except the Christmas gift I spent $1k on for him, smashed to bits in the driveway. Today he told me he doesnāt want the kids for our agreed upon visitation. He told me he doesnāt need anyone and life is better alone.
Iāve been really worried about his mental state, so I called my friend to talk to her husband, his best friend, and he told me my husband told him theyāre not friends anymore and made him come collect his things out of our garage (project cars and motorcycles and stuff). Said he didnāt know what was going on either but he didnāt want to talk to him about it because he suspects my husband has been drinking again. I did see a beer can in the kitchen the day before all this happened, but he said his other friend left it when he stopped by and I didnāt question it.
My friend is so confused and keeps saying how unhinged heās being, because sheās newer to the group and didnāt know my husband when we were all in high school together and he had an alcohol problem. She just wants to hang out and have things back to normal.
Personally, after this week, I donāt even think I love him anymore. Iāve never had someone be so mean to me in my lifeā¦
4
What is wrong with me?
I have been struggling to get things done around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, even bathing my son is so hard to do, I donāt know what it is, I know I am not depressed, Iāve been depressed before and this is not it, I am the happiest I have ever been in life, I am a sahm with a loving partner and beautiful children, money is not an issue at the moment, I just donāt know whatās wrong, I look at the pile of dirty laundry or dishes and I dread it so much and I cant get around to doing it, itās not like I donāt want to do it, i do want to do but I have to force myself to do these things, there is days where I am on top of everything and then there are days where I donāt want to do anything, I do the bare minimum because I and afraid my partner will get upset with me, and cooking omg sometimes I love cooking and it makes me happy to see my family enjoying dinner all of us eating together and then there are days where I hate the thought of cooking, I honestly donāt know what is wrong with me, is this normal? Does anybody else struggle with the same feelings?
3
10
I am deeply unhappy
I have everything anyone could ever dream of. A big house, a boy and a girl and a husband who supports us so that I can be a stay at home mum.
But all he does is work. He runs his own business. We moved to be next to his work and I told him he better not let it consume him. My mum divorced my dad because he worked non stop and didnāt make time for our family.
I feel like weāre heading the same way and he doesnāt care. I told him I canāt continue to live like this forever, with him working all day, all evening and he even wants me to entertain the kids on the weekend so he can catch up on work. He said it has to be done and we donāt have a choice. He has more money than he could ever spend because of family wealth so I admire his determination to continue with work even though he doesnāt have to. But my god I didnāt sign up for this. He used to be so fun and weād always do stuff and now he doesnāt ever want to spend time with me and the kids.
I just donāt know where to turn. I feel so stuck. We donāt have sex anymore. Iām not into it because heās just not into us. We put the kids to bed and he sits on his laptop working until 10pm and then I have to be up with the kids at 5:30 because heās too tired from all the working. But Iām tired too. I just donāt know what to do, I feel like Iām stuck with this situation until death because I can almost guarantee heāll never retire
4
Am I overreacting?
Today was my birthday and my boyfriend/father of my children acted like he forgot about it all day. He had me feeling very upset and hurt all day. He waited until I put the kids to bed to give me flowers, a card, money, cake, and some of my favorite candies. I can't tell if he remembered last minute or if he thought this would be funny. Either way I'm bothered that he made me cry on my birthday. Instead of arguing I just told him thank you, gave him a hug, and went to bed. Just trying to process if I'm overreacting??
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Toys/Wake Windows
Any recommendations for toys/things to do during wake windows for 11 week old. Feeling like Iām not doing enough with what we have already thank you!āŗļø
3
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