Boyfriend recently changed his password on his phone?

Porn is cheating in my eyes and no one changes their password unless they have something to hide. If my husband did that, he would be giving it to me. Since this is a boyfriend, it’s not really the same for me. I would have trust issues because of the porn so it might be a deal breaker for me at least but I would have to see if/when I was in that situation.

@Melissa the only reason I look is to see if he watches porn. Doesn’t make sense to me because there are moments I watch it too but for some reason it bugs me when he does it but it doesn’t bug him when I do it. He knows the password to my phone and I tell him I don’t care if he goes through it. I’ve never found anything other than porn on his phone in the ten years we have been together but why all of a sudden change your password. If I bring it up then he’ll be stuck on the fact that I tried to go through it.

Very little info to go off of here but this whole situation as you’ve described sounds toxic and alarming. Is breaking up an option?

My two cents: If you also watch some porn and it’s nbd but it’s a probable when he does that sounds like a not so great double standard. Also adults are entitled to some privacy, I have nothing to hide but I would be pissed if my husband went through my phone. To me your boyfriend has good reason to be upset with you not so much you to be upset with him. If there’s issues you to need to work out I would suggest couples counseling if that’s something accessible to you.

Sounds like you seriously need to examine why you find watching porn to be such a big deal. That sounds like some serious introspection issue that is causing you to go through his phone on a consistent basis. I could understand going through his phone maybe once or twice a year since you obviously have self esteem issues, but you sound like you go through it once a week or more often. To your partner this screams I don't trust you. Since trust is an important factor for any good relationship I'm surprised that he tolerates it and doesn't change his password at regular intervals.

I wish grown people implemented therapy. This relationship sounds super unhealthy to me. I would break up with my partner if he was constantly going through my phone. And you yourself watch porn? You’re being incredibly toxic.

That’s suspicious. I’d be pissed

Just watch porn together! Maybe that helps you stop seeing it as something thats taboo. But if u also watch it and only bothers u when he does, u need to work on why u feel that way, has nothing to do with him… my boyfriend would not care at all if i was to go through his phone, i feel like he’ld laugh at me for waisting my time.

@Gemma I have suggested it before and he’s not into watching it together or toys he thinks it’s weird. I guess he’s just old school. He’s told me he doesn’t care if I watch it and sometimes I do but I’m not really sure why it bothers me when he watches it. Only reason he gets upset at me going through his phone because I do it when he’s sleeping or something. He’s always told me he’s got nothing to hide and if I want to look through it to just ask. He just always says it’s a privacy thing and that he doesn’t go through mine so I should have the same respect for him.

So in a scenario like this you should honestly sit down and have a discussion with your partner about your feelings on both the phone and porn. Be honest and be open. If they become defensive or shut down and are not willing to have an open discussion about where both of you are coming from then most likely this relationship isn’t one to continue or pursue as you both need to be open to growth to continue a healthy relationship. A lot of the time we already know this and we try to convince ourself we need to stay because leaving someone you love or starting a new path is both uncomfortable and hard in which staying can create toxic behavioral patterns in order to cope. But moving forward you need to be direct and open to communication in order to become a healthier you both mentally and emotionally. Have that conversation.

@Sarah in a way we have had this convo before because he’s known that I’ve gone through his phone before on more than one occasion. To him he feels like if he doesn’t go through mine that I shouldn’t just go through his. He’s never asked to go through mine and doesn’t do it when I don’t know that I should have the same respect for him. He’s feels like it’s a privacy thing because we share everything else in life. He would rather me ask to see it then just go through it without him knowing about it. The whole thing with porn has been discussed too where he tells me all men watch it and it’s just a quick release or fantasy and it’s not a big deal and he doesn’t care if I watch it and every once in awhile I do. I just think it gets in my head and makes me think it’s more than what it is. It’s always been in our relationship but was never an issue until I made it one. I just feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal to go through each others phones but to him he wants some kind of privacy

So… my last boyfriend shared everything with me. I knew his phone password and everything. Then one day the password changed. That’s how I knew he was proposing… he couldn’t surprise me if I was going through his phone. We are married now. (Side note: I never not trusted him. It was more like his phone was closer than mine at times when we needed to look stuff up like movies and places to go for dates.)

@Amanda I wish that was the case but we are already engaged. I said boyfriend in here but I’m not use to calling him fiance yet. That’s my mistake. But I wish this was the case

Tbh it sounds like your the one whose holding onto unresolved issues deep with your psyche that lead to the need of extra reassurance that comes with accessing your partner’s phone and needing to know when he’s watching porn. If your unwilling to listen to your partner and grow as a person to allow their privacy then maybe it’s time to take a step back and seek counseling in order to resolve the unresolved that allows this type of behavior to occur. I myself know that porn and toys bother me and I myself have never used either. This is due to deep childhood trauma and my partner does his best to understand that. It’s not easy and while therapy is not a fix all it does initiate the steps of work needed to put ourselves back together in order to reach a healthier state of mind. This may not be the answer you wanted but it’s the best advice I can give.

It sounds like this is a privacy thing to him and he may have changed the password because the lack of privacy was bothering him, which he had told you before. If he is willing to openly let you go through his phone and you are still just sneaking it, then it does say you aren't respecting his boundaries. As others have said, you are displaying toxic behavior. I don't think you are a toxic person. I think you need some therapy to figure out what is causing you to display this and disregard your partners boundaries. The fact that he has tolerated you doing this on multiple occasions when he had set a boundary says he must really love you and want to be with you. Get some help before he walks out.

I'm sorry but I don't think he's done anything wrong by changing his password.. If you've made it clear you're not comfortable with him watching porn and he's lying about it or something then you need to speak to him.. But in my eyes invading his privacy time and time again is more of an issue than anything.

Oh if he is ok showing you his phone when u ask instead of doing it when he is sleeping then i do believe he just wants you to trust him. Which is fair i think