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Autoimmune Pregnancy & Postpartum

Feeling like such a jerk

My mom and I have a very difficult relationship. I just gave birth Sunday after an emergency induction due to fetal growth restriction. My mom and I have been working on our relationship for quite some time and I am afraid that I may have ruined that progress. I was induced on Friday and my labor lasted 3 days. I have only slept one or two hours a night since being admitted for induction. My Mom actually dropped everything last minute and booked a red eye so she could be here for me during the birth and first few days- despite obvious planning being that she would come around my due date in July. She’s been really supportive and great but today I completely turned on both my fiancée and her and had like…. a frustrated meltdown emotional outburst. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours every night, I am injured from delivery and in pain, I am swollen and cannot walk or sit on my bottom, I lost my milk supply and haven’t been able to nourish my daughter who is in the NICU until she gains more weight and her blood sugar stabilizes. On top of all of that, this incident just made me feel like such a piece of crap. I feel like I wasn’t even in my body when I did it. I’m worried with my Mom and I having a difficult past that I ruined our progress at a time of celebration and joy. I’m trying so hard to feel the joy, to be calm and rational. I am so happy but this incident is so hard to forgive myself for. I apologized and she did too but I am worried she’s not genuinely over it. It’s really weighing on me with everything else going on I feel so badly.