Need advice on in-law relationship
This is going to be a long post, I apologize in advance.
My relationship with my husband and I has been soured lately due to damaging treatments from MIL. I've been self-questioning if I am overly sensitive as he thinks or if he is in denial of MIL's harsh attitude towards me. I'd appreciate your opinions…
I suffered infertility for a while before I got pregnant with my miracle baby. MIL had expressed her sympathy to my husband whenever he talked about it in the past.
At the end of 1st trimester, MIL and aunt visited us, so we broke the news. But I asked her to wait to tell others until 6 mo. She ignored and told me 4 mo would be enough, forcingly ending the conversation. Her reasoning was that pregnancy was a normal thing for women. We could have done nothing about my past miscarriages, and I should not make a fuss about it. I found it very cold (unlike her sympathetic comments for my husband), and I also felt it was not her place to decide when to announce our pregnancy. But my husband thinks the opposite.
I've had health issues even before this pregnancy. So, I decided to prioritize healthy pregnancy and raising a child (until preschool enrollment) and hold off my career. Instead, I’ll be studying for a master so I can look after my child during the day. We have no family close-by, so we are on our own. I have my own stable finances through multiple supplemental income sources, so I'm not dependent on his money. MIL tells him I should start working now and is critical about my choice. He then suggested following her advice even though he had agreed with my hold-off plan before.
MIL has had many negative comments about me, especially when my husband is not around. I noticed lately that many of other in-laws are very knowledgeable about my life in general, although I haven't directly talked to them about it. Their opinions of me haven't been so positively reflected in conversation and are often condescending. I'm worried that MIL has been noting her views to other members. My husband isn't as communicative to his family as MIL, so I know it didn't come from him.
He has grown up in a highly critical household with little affection. He tends to blindly believe everything MIL does is the correct way. We've talked about this issue a few times already. But he doesn't think her comments about miscarriages, infertility, or my personal life choices are unethical. But I feel they're...
I don't expect MIL to change, but I thought he'd at least sympathize with the treatments I get. But there is no support. I also feel I'm an outsider in his family.
Ideally, I’d like to have a good relationship with MIL and other in-laws for the sake of our child, and I’ve never said anything back. But now I feel my dignity is lost.
MIL doesn't speak good English, and I don't speak her language fluently, either. (btw all her comments earlier were translated by the English-speaking relative so there is no possibility of "miscommunication" there, unfortunately) The challenge is that I can’t have an intricate conversation with her to reshape the relationship. I’d need my husband's support.
I've never had problems with my previous husband's in-laws, all of them, and this is all new to me. I'm completely lost.
I want to know if I'm overacting or if MIL's treatments toward me are actually unethical. How can I continue/rebuild the relationship with my in-laws peacefully? I want my child to have a grandmother… (both my parents have already passed away). I appreciate your opinions on this!
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Hey there i feel you! I live with inlaws myself. Soni understand. You’re not wrong in how you feel but lets admit, your husband’s not changing anytime soon not until your MILs around. However the people outside will be a lot more appreciative of you and maybe getting back to work will make you feel better, sometimes the small gestures by your colleagues or acknowledgment boost your confidence and it’s enough to cut through the in-laws chaos. Thats just my take.
yeah you’re probably right about husband not changing… I’ll be in a master program (w/ scholarship money so no burden) while raising the child, so adding work into a mix may be a bit tough on my health for the moment…
You feel how you feel and that’s all that matters.
Perhaps you have built up an expectation on how your relationship with your in laws looks but it’s not materialising. You need to drop those expectations in people.
Your husband should be your biggest support and it sounds like you aren’t being understood by him. It’s a tricky topic when it comes to family because for the most part people don’t like theirs being talked about in a negative way. You need to have this conversation again about the negative comments and how it makes you feel and this conversation needs to be resolved with you feeling heard. Perhaps go for a nice walk when having this conversation?
You can’t have an intricate conversation with MIL as you said because of the language barrier. So what is the other option to have a peaceful relationship? Maybe that’s something you can think about? Find a different common ground to establish a talking point that isn’t about your life?
Hope u figure it out. Sending love x
you have a good point about finding other options to establish a better relationship… Thank you!
im sorry you have a similar issue with your husband! It’s really difficult to manage in-law relationships when our spouses aren’t supportive. I do feel bad for talking negatively about his mother, I really do. It’s the inner battle between respecting myself and putting him first.
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