Rant - am I being unreasonable?

Okay and now he just came into the bedroom where she had a nap, and woke her up on purpose. When I asked him why he did it he just smiled in my face and walked off…🤨🤨

That would make me so angry 😩 if you have them half the time and you look after them alone at times, I would be as strict on them as I would on my bio kids. I wouldn’t treat them differently, he’s not a guest in your house - he’s part of the family and your in charge, and he can’t be treating you you like rubbish.

I agree with Caitlin. I would absolutely be treating him how you'd treat your own with bad behaviour or he'll carry on walking all over you. Your house your rules and if your partner fully supports you doing things your way then even better x

Thank you! & . I am really trying and you are right I should absolutely not treat him differently. I don’t have older children yet just a 3 month old but I’m imagining that i wouldn’t allow it when they are that age. I think why it so hard is because he’s allowed to do it at the other house. I don’t know how but he seems to be getting away with it cause every time he comes from there the first day is draining. It’s almost like he forgets all the manners at our house. And as he gets older it seems to be getting worse. He also has been diagnosed with autism, but for me that isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour. If he’s struggling he will of course get all the help in the world from me but I do think he’s playing us. And I believe that sometimes the bio parents (including my SO) just let it slide cause it’s easier. Especially cause during the time my SO sees them he wants to be the cool dad. And so over time it’s becoming worse and worse.

And if their dad lets it slide I do think it isn’t really my place to be following through all of these rules. I shouldn’t even have to. My partner agrees and he said he’s working on it but some days are just so hard and today I’m just so so frustrated. Probably more than on other days. I just had a chat with him saying he can’t wake up LO. He nodded that he’ll be more mindful next time- I guess that is a win but I am upset that I have to battle with him about everything and anything. I guess I just wish it was easier sometimes! Sorry rant over! X thank you ladies

I’m more firm with my step kids than they’re dad sometimes, even when he lets it slide.
Because I expect them to follow the rules and listen to me.
There are times when I will have to parent them and our baby on my own - and I know I want to feel in control in those situations.
So I’ve made sure I stick to my guns from day 1, and it’s the only way I’ve earned the kids respect.
Kids like boundaries and routine; even if they don’t admit it.
The kids always know where they stand with me, because I stick to my guns, with dad, sometimes they can get away with more than other times - so they push boundaries even more xx

thank you! You are absolutely right and I think it’s amazing that you do that! I just wish it wasn’t so draining for most of the time.

If any of you is alone with their step children and they don’t listen what “consequences” would you have? Or how do you deal with it? My SS doesn’t care, he will just do it anyways and keep on doing it. He most of the time even smiles in my face. Btw he hasn’t been doing this for very long. He used to respect me so I don’t quite know where this is coming from recently. I feel like My only option is to have a stern word which sometimes helps or I will have to take something away but for most part he doesn’t care. He just comes back at me with shoulder shrugging and “what do you wanna do”… for instance, I say brush your teeth and he is like well what are you going to do if I don’t. I can’t physically make him do it but I also don’t want to “lose” that battle cause if he gets away with it he will just do it over and over again. And where does it end. So I will not stop being in his ear until he does it but oh boy it’s costing all my energy

Completely agree with what others have said. I'm also more strict on my SS (12) than my husband is, and we've had many arguments about it. I think they feel this inherent guilt because they are not around for them all the time, and he doesn't always want to be telling him off. But he's here 50% of the time and I can't have someone living in my house who doesn't respect my rules. I would be the same with my own child, and I don't think my partner would be so defensive of our own child like he is with his SS. It's almost like he feels he has to jump to his defence when I'm telling him off about something. It's been hard, but it's getting better. SS has had a couple of phases like this, one probably around 8/9 and another just recently since I've been pregnant, which maybe has made it seem worse. Stern words don't work with him, my husband kept doing that and his behaviour didn't change. I had to insist on banning his phone and PlayStation, because they are the only things he seems to care about

I also cancelled a fishing trip that was planned with his dad and grandad because he did something really naughty and he was really looking forward to it. You have to always follow through on your threats, because otherwise they know they can get away with it. Now, if he gives either of us attitude, he gets a warning, and then if he does it again that's his phone and PlayStation banned for 24 hours. I also suggested a limit to technology, particularly as its the school holidays and he would sit on it all day. Now hes allowed 1hr in the morning, 1hr in the afternoon and sometimes an hour in the evening. If he dies things to help around the house then he can earn more time. He's been much better in the last few weeks since these clear rules are in place.

thank you! Im sorry to hear your SS is having another phase. I hope it will pass soon! I’ll speak to my SO about “consequences” when he gets home. Thank you

Sorry, but can I just say that you mention dad has fought really hard to see them more often but he’s not actually seeing them more often? You’re picking up the slack. I understand he has to work etc but if you are struggling then he should be doing more. What would he do if you weren’t around under the current arrangement?
I get you want to help and not add more to his plate and to some extent I am the same with my husband but at the same time he does need to step in and manage this behaviour and help you.

Since I’ve met my sk’s I have had the boundaries and I don’t have half the trouble others have with them (both are neurodiverse). You have to stick to your guns whatever consequence you give them. I had this with my stepson refusing school etc and I would take everything away device wise during school hours. He didn’t care about that but the point is you stick to it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.I dealt with troublesome behaviour during my pregnancy &beyond. My msgs are open

I have a 17 month old and a 3yr old stepdaughter and I’m stricter on her than her dad, who lets her get away with everything haha! I am stricter because I know I’ll treat my girl the same and don’t want SD thinking she’s any different when she’s here. Even though I’m stricter on her - she still comes to me for cuddles first etc as she knows I love her I just don’t let her act a certain way. Kids need boundaries I think to a extent!

I try and explain what she’s doing wrong etc but if it keeps going etc we have a time out step. I guess it’s different for a older kid - is there a phone/iPad you can take away? Or take away tv time!

You obviously care and want to do what’s best, he just needs to learn that he can’t treat you/the household like that. Be strong I hope it gets better soon!!! Xxx

I feel your pain. My partner has two boys (6&10) and I struggle sometimes to keep my cool. We’ve had the eldest three weeks straight cause of the school holidays and he’s been getting cheeky with me, mimicking me and despite me saying “your sister is asleep please be quiet” he brought ALL of his Lego in the living room today when she was asleep on me and proceeded to have the telly on really loud. I have to bite my tongue so much, his dad is good and will tell him off I struggle sometimes as he looks at me as if to say “shut up”. It’s hard! xx

It’s tough because if dad is letting things slide then you feel you don’t have the back up. I just try to be as honest as possible and it usually works. This might be controversial but this is an example of how I deal with my SD when she’s giving me sass:

‘Brush your teeth’
‘I don’t want to though’
‘Ok fine don’t, but then your teeth will rot and fall out and your breath will smell and no one will want to be your friend. Doesn’t bother me, I’m not your mum no one will tell me off’
-proceeds to brush teeth vigorously-


As well as being effective, it also brings me great joy as a huge lover of sarcasm. Hope things get better x