Entitled MIL

Hello! I wanted to share some recent struggles I’ve had with my MIL and hoping to gain a little guidance on how to go about balancing boundaries while being kind. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy came as a total surprise and is very sudden for us both. My MIL’s first reaction to the pregnancy was telling my boyfriend she wishes we were married and that there was no way she would be able to help out financially. Neither of us expected or were asking for financial help by telling her the news of our baby. His entire family has not been very warm and welcoming since the beginning of our relationship and nothing has really changed since the announcement. In fact, my boyfriend’s family has made comments that they feel bad for my unborn child. His mother never engages with me when I try to talk with her about the pregnancy and she is unhappy with every choice I make. I chose to keep the gender reveal a private moment for my boyfriend and I as I am not a huge party person and a gender reveal party was not something I wanted. My MIL however did want a gender reveal party and really tried pushing it, but eventually respected that it was not going to happen. My baby shower is approaching quickly in late October and my mother is planning it herself as she should, she’s my mom. My MIL wants to be involved in the planning desperately, but I have no interest in involving her since she complains about all my
decisions. My shower theme is classic Winnie the Pooh and that even upsets her; she wanted a general bear theme since that was my
boyfriends baby shower theme when my MIL was pregnant with him. I want an intimate gathering of about 40-50 people since I have a small family and have met none of my boyfriends extended family, so this would be the first event I’ve ever even been introduced to them. My MIL made a comment to my boyfriend about the guest list saying, “You have 50 people alone you need to invite, so what’s she going to do?” So rude. Also side note: my boyfriend calls always her out on her bs and doesn’t allow her to go on with comments like this. He made it clear SHE has 50 people she would like there, not him or me. Anyways, flash forward to a few days ago, my MIL and boyfriend spent the morning running an errand he needed her assistance with for transferring over car insurance. While at the car insurance office, my boyfriend let the office lady know that he’s expecting his first baby. The lady very nicely asked my MIL if she was excited for her first grand baby to which my MIL replied, “I would be more excited if I was more involved.” Involved in what? The baby isn’t here until December. Now, she’s been asking my boyfriend to have ME call HER to talk about her throwing a second baby shower. I cannot believe the audacity to ask that after everything I’ve just given backstory on. I find it ridiculous because I know it is not out of love, but out of her own self fulfilling needs to be in control and have her dream baby shower. It would be all about her, not me and this whole journey is about me and my growing baby. I also don’t like the idea of spearing families. I want both of our families to spend time together. I feel that if I have two showers now, I’ll be having 2 first birthday parties for my child, you know? I have yet to talk to her about it as I think requesting a call from me instead of reaching out herself is a game and I’m not playing. Please please give any advice or stories you have, I need the support! I feel crazy like I’m bad for not wanting two baby showers, but also valid in my reasonings.

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You are not alone! Its a good thing ur bf stands by you, thats not always the case. Only advice I have is to always maintain your boundaries and avoid explaining yourself as it might be perceived as a sign of needing approval. Sooner or later she will understand that this is not about her.

Unfortunately I don’t agree that sooner or later she will understand that it’s about you, and not her. She sounds like a classic text book narcissist. And while it’s kind that you want to approach this with kindness it doesn’t really matter, since you could follow ALL her suggestions and do the things that she wants to do and she will still find faults and make it all about herself. There are no nice ways to deal with a narcissist, but the least stressful thing for YOU is to get your partner to continuously enforce boundaries. Trust me, she will continue pushing those 10x more the second the baby arrives.
You are in the right to want two families celebrating everything as this is your little family and your decisions, but you will have to learn to deal with the fact that ‘your way’ will upset people, including your mil.

Im sorry this is happening to you, My Mil is the same way. When i had my first baby she wasn’t happy at first either, and made very judgmental comments about me and my bf saying we’re not ready for a child and we’re selfish for not finishing school. But the more baby boy started to develop she got happy and controlling just like your mil. Please keep doing what your doing and make it clear, IT IS YOUR BABY NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND !! ITS WHAT YOU WANT NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. Tell her if she don’t agree she doesn’t have to be there! Also just for future reference, something me and my bf learned the hard way. Dont mention anything to her until your done planning it, just invite her. This goes for future things and small things, dont get excited and tell her prior just do it then tell her the experience if you wanted to share.

Definitely draw the line on the party. My MIL refused to come to my bridal shower because she thought she was going to be busy the weekend I planned it and even though she wasn’t she still didn’t come. She then threw me a separate shower, even though her aunt and cousins came to my first one. She also threw a separate 1st birthday for my daughter because her friends didn’t want to intrude by coming to my mom’s house (we lived out of town and came to celebrate her birthday with the rest of the family), so she has an additional party for her friends to come. I didn’t have to plan or set up for any of it, so it’s fine, but she continues to plan for things this way even though I couldn’t care less about her friends celebrating my children.

Why do they have to bring all their friends, it’s your bridal and baby showers, so you need to bring your friends. Unless they think it’s their showers really, but still why would their friends want to come?!

Wait, 40-50 is an intimate gathering?! I had like 8.....

in our community

Is this normal?

Is it just my husband that does this? He is able to work from home via his computer and in the mornings and evenings he is on there doing his job. When he is done for the day he tends to stay in the room and either play video games or watch something. He will occasionally come out and play with the girls for a few minutes and that’s it but when I really need him he says he is busy. My daughters are both 1 year old now and I am just wondering how much involvement should he have with them now?
Idk if this is the norm or not…..

Saying NO to buying toys etc

5 year old is getting really envious of others. He is obsessed with items that other kids have at school. I am pestered daily to buy these things in a different style when we already have 3 others. I have seen parents just buying stuff their kid likes which I don't necessarily agree with even when i can afford it. How do you deal with it?

Thoughts?

your soon to be brother in law (upon inquiry) told you that only a few kids from the family were attending his wedding because they are over the age cut off..

Tablet for kids

Alright don’t need any negative Nancy’s telling me not to get my 2yo a tablet so if that’s what your gunna do please don’t participate in my poll.

We’re about to move cross country 3+ day trip and my 2yo and 9m hate the car I’m talking scream their heads off till they are out of their seats. We’ve already changed car seats and it didn’t help so I’d like to at least have one entertained and sit next to baby and try and distract her or put her to sleep. Our new car has tvs but since they are rear faced my 2yo can’t see it.

Debating getting her a tablet or dvd player right now on long car rides I end up giving her my phone because I get so overwhelmed sitting in between both of them screaming and crying.

And yes I do bring different toys I bring snacks I play songs try to distract her other ways but for the sake of not losing my mind on this move I think this is best.

-A very overwhelmed and anxious to move mama 😓

Daycare?

Thoughts on daycare?? Truly, I am SCARED to be leaving my kid for daycare. I literally do not trust anyone, not even family (they haven’t given me a reason it’s just trust issues on my end, you never know). He’s turning 3 and I’ve been a sahm the whole time but tbh my man doesn’t make enough for us to move out somewhere more calm . We live in a ‘not so safe’ area in LA and I’m just not used to living here so I just want us to give my son a better life and in order to speed up the process I would have to work.. I do lashes at home and I’d be open to take new clients so I wouldn’t have to look for work but I’m just scared to lose my license 😭

5 month old activities

Hey everyone my baby is 5 months old and I want to reduce/cut screen time as I have read up on how bad it is what activities did people do to keep their baby entertained. Thank you in advance.