16 wks and struggling, i think I need help

So a little back story. I have severe PTSD from an extremely abusive childhood and adolescent homelessness that last until my 20s. I am also on the autistic spectrum though highly functioning (I hold a high position in my field but struggle with social input and processing certain forms of information)
Postpartum with my daughter was so bad I drove my car into a tree in a suicide attempt and engaged in some extremely traumatic activities to support my roommate who is disabled and both our infant children. I am married now to my best friend of over ten year and we have a very happy comfortable life. They both worry about me and I had agreed to seek therapy before becoming pregnant but never pulled the trigger because I was just doing so well - in everything. Home. Career. Life in general. Things are still good despite being put on bed rest so my career has suffered and that did effect me. I am a boat captain so my career is a large part of my identity.
Anyway.
About three weeks ago I noticed my ptsd starting to flair up. Little things like confusion over what year it was and sudden fear/panic that would come from seemingly nowhere.
It’s gotten progressively worse. I’m now at the point of waking up in the middle of the night and not recognizing my husband and being paralyzed with fear, in the mornings I have such terror and dread and I can’t move until one of the cats or kids come into the room and even then it’s hard to come out of it. I’m having anxiety, trouble sleeping, and flash backs and panics attacks are becoming a daily reality which hasn’t occurred in a VERY long time.
On top of that, I’ve struggled to bond with this pregnancy since day one and feel SO GUILTY. We planned this and had TTCed for so long I really was afraid it would never happen and this baby boy is such a miracle. Yet, all I feel is guilt and this screaming feeling like I need him out of my body. When I think of him being born and holding him I feel happiness and love, but with him inside me I feel nothing but fear, anxiety, self-loathing and anger.
This did NOT happen at all with my daughter while I was pregnant with her. I was afraid but felt nothing but love and care for her inside me.
I was wondering if this could be do to the testosterone he is producing and it is normal to have elevated anxiety and anger?
Or if this is related to my previous post partum and my PTSD needing to be addressed better?
Has anyone else experienced this? Will it get better? I am so afraid.

My roommate and husband are well aware of what’s going on and trying their best to help and support me. I really don’t want to go to a psych hospital while pregnant and am just terrified and don’t know what to do.

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I’m so sorry you are going through that. I suffer from PTSD myself and in my experience, it never truly goes away. It’s not a feeling a person can necessarily suppress but more have a better understanding on what their triggers are and how to manage them better. I have been seeing a therapist for about 8-9 years now. It went from 2-3 times per week and all the way down to 1 time every 3 weeks because I have gotten better at managing those feelings and outburst. Now my appointments are merely check ins thankfully. I think its very helpful to not only have support from family and friends but from a professional as well. Ultimately, everything that you’re feeling is a healing process that must come from you and can’t really be “fixed” just managed. Learn to forgive your past and part ways from the childhood trauma. A technique I did was to “visit” myself as a child and mentally removed her from the harmful situation, saying she is safe with me now. Trust me when I say it’s easier said

than done. I wish you the best in your healing process. It’s a long but rewarding journey once you get past the hurdles. Life will seem brighter. 🫶🏼 there is a light at the end of the tunnel

I would seek professional help but doesn't necessarily mean hospitalization. You can always start with talking to your ob. My guess is that the familiar feelings of pregnancy are triggering all those past response that where never addressed just moved past. It will probably be much easier to get help now then when baby arrives. My bbf takes about how she feels robbed of time with her babies because of ppd. If you start the healing journey now you might be able to eliminate or shorten those issues. As far as connecting to the pregnancy it sounds like a lot of that is coming from triggers but I felt more connected to my second then my first and I think that's because of location. I could feel my second a whole lot more so I had a greater awareness of them moving around

I don’t think babies can produce testosterone, but especially unborn babies at 16 weeks. I think you should definitely seek some professional help with the mental health struggles though. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this and what you’ve been through in your childhood and young adulthood. I can relate, I was also abused as a child and throughout my teenage years and I too have ptsd, had to come off of Quetiapine because of the pregnancy, I’m also carrying a boy even though I hoped for a girl but I’ve come to terms with it and am now happy and looking forward to having a son. I wish there was something I could do or say to make things better but I can’t unfortunately. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel?

Thank you so much everyone. I reached out to my doctors. They are changing my medication plan and my OB made a referral and is keeping a very close eye on me. The level to which everyone is concerned is scaring me because of how much more real this all feels but moving in the right direction is comforting

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Partner works incredibly long hours, how much do they help out?

I'm struggling. Have been for a while. I've had one break from parenting my daughter, that was for 3 hours in December when I left her with her dad.

She's 14 months old and I'm just tired. I've done every night by myself. He's out of bed at 4am and doesn't get home until 7-9pm. He drives for work, very physically tiring.
On the weekends he was doing 6 days, one weekend day off, but now has both off.

He doesn't sit on the floor and play with her, he doesn't read to her because he says she doesn't have the patience.
He will pick her up and hold her whilst he's cooking.

Recently I've been "snappy" with him.
He got back from the mechanic last weekend, she was getting onto the sofa and he put his headphones on and started to watch Netflix on his phone.
The same day I told him I was going to run her bath and to watch her whilst she was still eating, he fell asleep on the sofa.

Today he went to football after going shopping, so was out 1-3 and then from 4-8.
He got back and I was snappy.

"I don't get why you're so snappy with me"

I said - Probably because I haven't had a break since December.

"Do you think I don't know you haven't had a break. I haven't had a break", "I just won't go to work, I'll sit at home all day".

Then "do you think I like not having a connection to my child"... But that's on him? He never sits to play with her. He "doesn't see the point". He's stated that this age is boring to him.

Since she's been born, he has been to a friend's once a month. Football - He stopped going for 7months, but has been the last two weekends.

Are these not breaks?

He does do the washing/washing up/cooking/vacuuming when I haven't had a chance to; but I'm the one in charge of feeding her, naps/bedtime, teeth brushing, hair brushing, baths, dressing her, making sure she has the right shoes, appointments etc. Everything falls on me.

If your partner works ridiculously long hours, how much do they look after your child? Do you ever get a break?

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