Frustration

Like I want our relationship to last I want it to be forever. I don’t want this to be like how my first marriage was but a part of me doesn’t know if we’re gonna make it and I love him and I want to be happy with him, but he doesn’t really give me very many reasons to be happy with him like he’s extremely insecure and I try to help with that but every time I try to help with it then he just comes back with another insecure thought Minus the fact that he thinks that I want to leave him he thinks that I want to find somebody else to be happy with he thinks that I want to just leave him like he didn’t make my pregnancy easy and he’s not making this experience easy like this is supposed to be a happy moment for us because we’ve just crossed a really big mile stone and I feel like this is the worst experience I’ve ever had and I’ve been in some pretty shitty experiences, but I feel like this is kind of bad.

I’m at a crossroad like I’ve never wanted to be with someone so bad and my track record with relationships are pretty bad but the one person that I actually really wanna be with is making it hard for me to be with them and then it’s like a pissing contest because he’ll tell me all the things that I don’t do or how I’m too late on doing things or how I’m not on time with giving hugs or giving kisses and to me it’s like I’m not focused on that right now I’m more focused on raising this child until we can get to a cooling point so to speak. Like I said, except the fact that I’m not very clingy or very affectionate, but I’m there and I love him, and I told him that from the job like I’m not very affectionate and it’s just because of past relationships and past history and I’m slowly trying to get over that but it’s like he’s not patient with me especially with someone who’s been in a relationship with someone for over 10 years . Maybe I made a mistake

My husband was the same way. He was so so excited to be a dad and I think it really let him down when he wasn’t able to be the person the baby wanted. It left him feeling very defeated and like the baby hated him. But after time, the baby (who is now 6m) warmed up to him and loves his daddy. Just takes time! Baby’s naturally cling to the mom and we naturally know how to soothe them. It’s called a mothers instincts.

I'm sorry you're having this experience.

I think it's really hard to be a dad. They want to help but sometimes can't because kiddo simply wants mom or don't know what to do exactly. I can absolutely see how it can be frustrating and defeating for them. Just like us, they had this idea of what it would be like to be a parent and once that baby is born it is often not at all like the fantasy born during pregnancy and reinforced by the media. Imagine trying your hardest to do something just to fail over and over. Then to have your partner step in and do the same thing with ease. It's a blow to the ego and to his emotional state.
That being said, him lashing out at you is not the way to go. You need to talk, to have open and honest dialog. Maybe a counselor is an option for you? That way you have someone there to make sure your hearing each other and can help you get to the root of the issues.

Whoa... Why does this sound like my relationship currently. Except the frustration with LO. I have been with my bf for over ten years too and he has a lot of insecurities and I believe it's his parents fault for never instilling confidence in him when he was younger. They never pushed him to do more or better or gave him encouragement that he could do it. So now he's left to figure it out and most days he always feels like he can't do something... Like raising a child, he still questions his capabilities. I'm trying to give him more confidence but now that's up to him to actually want to change. But patterns and habits are so hard to break. That's why sometimes you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I hope eventually you will get him to understand that you're his partner and cheerleader not someone trying to hinder him. I had to remind my bf over and over again that I have supported him all this time. It's hard being in love with someone that's so broken. Us women always want to fix it some how some way...

I still don't know if I have it in me to fix him and raise our child too...

If a counselor is not an option, I've found it's best to have these conversations when emotions are not running high and when the kid(s) are asleep. We make sure to not interupt each other and to repeat back what your partner said in a "so what I heard is ..." format. If he says that's not what he said, let him know that you misunderstood and ask for clarification. Once both of you understand the issue, you can try to troubleshoot and make adjustments.
Parenting is hard. Being with someone you can't communicate with will make it so much harder. I hate to say it, but if he's not open to finding a way you two can communicate in a healthy and effective manner, he may not be your forever guy.

Also, he may want to see a therapist on his own to work on what sound like some of his own issues of insecurity.

Thank you so much ladies 🩷

I tried to do the repeating thing with him, and then that Spons into an argument or I’m somehow throwing the situation at him or blaming him and yes, he does have his own insecurities which I can completely understand, but if I’m trying to be positive with you and all you give me is negative then it’s still really defeating I would like for us to go to a counselor we’ve both come to that conclusion that maybe we need to go to a counselor but in between money and trying to handle the baby it makes it hard and adds more tension and more stress so it’s kind of a crossroad. And I’ve told him that we should try to talk not when we’re angry but when we do like sit down and talk, it always ends in an argument it ends in a nasty fight, and we both end up with our backs up against the wall because we don’t know what to do anymore.

@Alyssia awww, that's hard. Do you have insurance? Mental health services should be included. Also, maybe check with your OBGYN office. I know my office offered 5 sessions with a therapist at no charge to my insurance plan. Maybe your office does something similar? Even if it's only you going, they could possibly help you wrap your mind around what's happening and how you want to handle the situation. If cost is an issue, there are several places that will work on a sliding scale based on income and household size.

I don't want you to feel like there aren't options or like you're stuck. You're not.

https://www.denveraffordablecounseling.com/

I tried to go through them too they never got back to me. I have a nurse that comes twice a month but idk how to talk to them about this without making him feel like he’s the “bad guy”

sigh I try to communicate and try to come up with solutions with my bf but his default is anger, blaming and then saying this isn't working out and we should break up. It's so annoying how he always throws that in my face. And he's definitely being manipulative and gaslighting me saying that he never says certain things or asks me why I gotta bring up the past when he brings up everything I did wrong in the past all the time. It's unfair.